While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...she’s sorry she ever married me.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
A man in my gym just proposed and she said no.
They didn’t workout.
Edited: It changed to they.
Thanks lornstar7
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
My wife said she saw a deer on the way to work today.
I said, that can't be true, deer don't work.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.
I said I’d nominate her for the SAG awards.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
My daughter said she needs a book by Shakespeare for a class assignment. "Which one?" I asked.
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
When REM met The Queen, she held up a stamped envelope and then said...
"That's me in the corner."
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
I once dated a phlebotomist whom, when she tried to draw my blood, said "Be positive."
It was then I realized, she wasn't my type.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
My wife said she'll leave me, if I ever cheated on her.
I ran into this vegan girl who said she knew me
I had to tell her I'd never met herbivore.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
My daughter got out of choir practice. She was talking about who her favorite conductors were, and was really excited about her favorite ones, because she said they were very good conductors.
Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?
"No... Why..?"
Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?
my wife said she used all the olive oil
i said "couldn't you have just used some of oil?"
My wife said she has an irrational fear of revolving doors.
I told her she’ll come around, eventually.
I told my wife I was going to accompany her to get her Covid Vaccine, and see if they could do mine as well. She said they probably wouldn't. I replied, "I don't know..."
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
My wife said she wanted to have another baby after seeing my brother’s newborn.
I told her she’s ovaryacting.
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
My wife said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles...
I said she'll look stupid without any ears 👂
My girlfriend said if I don’t marry her then she’ll destroy my hearing
It’s a wife or deaf situation
Credit for idea: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/l5550w/my_girlfriend_says_if_we_dont_get_married_soon/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
My wife asked if I wanted wine with dinner. I said sure. She said, do you want a stem or stemless glass?
"Doesn't matter to me, I am bi-stemual".
Absolute silence.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wife’s water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...
This is the straw that broke the Camelback
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
Taking to my teen daughter Nd asked if she wanted a cantaloupe. She said no and I asked if she wanted a can-aloupe...
She replied yes I think people should be allowed to get married however they want. So proud.
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...
...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)
She said "Why are you holding that ugly great bee?" and I said "It's not ugly to me"
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I asked my wife about a ballerina in a picture who looked familiar. She said it was Anna Pavlova.
I said I thought her face rang a bell.
I asked my brother how his date went. He said he found out she was an anesthesiologist.
Talk about a snooze fest.
Talking with my 7-year-daughter today, I said, “Are you kidding me?!” She said...
“No! Wait, I am kidding you. I’m a kid!”
I love this kid.
A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused.
My daughter was practicing her flute today, she said at bar 45 she needs to add in a breath mark.
I teared up, after all these years she still doesn't know my name is David.
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
My terrorists girlfriend said she hadn't ever attempted a suicide bombing
But today I found out jihad
I asked my daughter if we needed anything at the grocery store. She said "Soy Sauce."
I replied: "Ola Sauce, Soy Dad."
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "
I said "It's pasture bedtime."
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
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