I tried to go into a store with a gelatin revolver

But I was arrested for having a congealed weapon

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattro30
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I've never been a huge fan of the Beatles album Revolver

But I gave it another shot and it blew me away

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hechtic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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Mary didn’t understand revolving doors.

Mary go round.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ“…︎ May 18
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I proclaimed to my wife that the world does not revolve around our little girl. Perturbed, she shot back, "Why on Earth would you ever say that!?" I explained, "Well, it's really quite simple you see, she's our daughter..."

"...not our Sun."

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.

I said, β€œYou’ll come around eventually.”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it

Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!

πŸ‘︎ 575
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
If I ever own a business, I'm going to install a revolving door that looks like a glass container...

...that way, the door is always ajar.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSchneebSx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
My wife complained that my life revolving around social media has destroyed the way we communicate as a family...

So I blocked her

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ch57113
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
My parents said to me that the world didn't revolve around me.

But I'm their sun

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeW2017
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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My parents said the world doesn't revolve around me...

But I'm their son

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ianlucky13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been trying to figure out this revolving door for a while now...

It just feels like I’m going in circles.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 310
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents told me that the world doesn't revolve around me...

But I'm their son

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the psychiatrist say to the narcissistic cowboy?

"The world dosen't REVOLVER-ound you."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elektrikpantz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me...

I guess that means I’m not actually their sun...

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife was mad that I bought a really expensive revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Now I can see her coming around.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The new sailor, Leo, asked me where the ship's cook could be found.

I said, "He's in the Galley, Leo."

I swear, that guy struts around like all the planets revolve around him.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
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My wife has this strange fear of getting stuck inside a revolving door.

I said, β€œDon’t worry. You’ll come around eventually.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
So a friend of mine was saying that her son was too demanding and that he needed to learn the world doesn't revolve around him.

I told her that hers does because he's her son and the world revolves around the son.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
How the turn tables... (Son and I argument)

Me: Do you think the world just revolves around you?!

Son: Well I am a s(u)n...

Me: ...

Sun: ...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCrunchyToast2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
Why do rebels like revolving doors?

They're revolutionary.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I know a couple who met in a revolving door...

I think they’re still going round together.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I got a Doors album as a record.

When I play it, they are the Revolving Doors.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Why was the sun selfish

Because he said the world revolves around him

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKindleys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
This entire skit revolves around puns youtu.be/zdCGgdeP4LA
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChiefRunningTree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2013
🚨︎ report
What do you call a baby horse running in circles?

A Colt revolver!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Herochristmas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Copernicus and the parent of teenagers have in common?

They both dedicated their life to convincing people the universe doesn’t revolve around them.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, he holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anassis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm working on a new movie script.

The plot revolves around an MD whose patients all have unusual symptoms and need to be seen by a specialist.

Working title: REFER MADNESS

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grecianformula69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A Panda Bear walks into a bar..

He orders a drink and sandwich. He eats, has a fine time with the others in the bar, and then heads towards the door when he's about ready to leave. But just before he does, he pulls out a pistol and empties all 6 rounds from the revolver right into the ceiling.

The bartender is frightened and angry he asks the bear "why did you do that??" He looks at the bartender and says "Panda. Look it up."

Intrigued by the night's occurrences, the bartender then goes home after closing and looks up "Panda'' in the dictionary. The entry for the animal said "Panda: Marsupial. Originating in Asian regions and commonly known for it's remarkably contrasting colors of black and white. Eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bazander04
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I love that the Earth spins

It really makes my day.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue_Phoenix912
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbin

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment o

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somenewinfo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Old joke, my daughter loved it.

A trio of explorers were hiking through the Congo and found a small village that was very isolated and not on any map. The villagers turned out to speak English very well, and informed the adventurers very politely that theirs was a village of cannibals and they were to be cooked and eaten, and their hides tanned and turned into canoes for the villagers, but they would allow them to take their own life however they saw fit.

The first man asks for a sharp knife, slices his wrists open, and mutters "Lay me down and bleed a while, and ne'er up again."

The second man asks for his revolver, says "For God and Country!" and shoots himself in the head.

The last man asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly screaming "Fuck your canoe!"

πŸ‘︎ 236
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimvoluntaryist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Help with a David Bowie pun?

I would like to combine a Bowie song lyric/title and a business involving cakes and flowers but I am really bad at puns. If I could get some help that would be awesome. I mostly would like the pun to revolve around cake, but if it could include that and flowers that would be amazing.

Also awesome: David Bowie song titles/lyrics that are already applicable (i.e. "Sweet Thing")

I'm super awful at puns so any and all attempts are much appreciated!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_death_at_614
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
🚨︎ report
World Revolution

I told my wife "the world doesn't revolve around our daughter".

She asked "why?"

"Because she's our daughter, not our sun."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TerroristOgre
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Just got my my wife!

I grabbed a powercunch bar out of the cabinet, my wife turns as says "Stop you have a problem" to which I replied "Yo, i'll solve it check out the hook while my DJ revolves it" then proceeded to stuff it in my mouth whilst trying to flee.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lazypanda7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Two Astronomers

Two astronomers are watching the world revolve around the sun. After 24 hours they get tired and decide to call it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lawlwaht
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Made a shampoo joke the other day

So my sister does this thing called NoPoo so she doesn't wash her hair when she showers and does some weird thing to make it healthier than when you would use shampoo.

Anyway, the joke revolves around the remedy name, NoPoo.

Dad: So how does this work

Sister: Well it makes it so I don't have to wash my hair and makes my hair healthier

Me: So you're Shampoostipated

My dad laughed out loud and my sisters groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stingerr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad finally had something to say about science.

We were talking at the dinner table, and my sister mentioned the ALS ice bucket challenges, stating I wouldn't have seen it as I don't use facebook. I retorted with that, had she ever paid attention in class, she would know that the world revolves around the sun, not facebook. Dad pipes up with:

Scientics watched the sun go around the world, and around, and around, and around, and they called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Furah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
🚨︎ report
I need mole puns

On October 23 (6.02x10^23) in my chem class we celebrate mole day. You have to make a project revolving around a mole pun. This year I did MoleDemort and printed a life size Voldemort with a mole head, but I'm out of ideas for Chem 2 AP next year. Want to get ideas early on, any suggestions? Some examples already taken that I don't want to repeat: Darth Mole Moleverine

I will add more as I remember, or if you come up with one that's already done.

Thanks in advance.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/survivalking4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife told me the other day she hates revolving doors, and is afraid to get stuck in them.

I told her, β€œYou’ll come around eventually.”

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ew0k5AN0nomi5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I informed my wife that the world does not revolve around our daughter...

Wife: "Why would you say that?"

Me: "She's our daughter; not our Sun."

πŸ‘︎ 989
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
🚨︎ report
My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me...

I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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