When cybernetics are I’m going to replace my penis with a revolver

I could finally say I have a magnum dong

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charger_3000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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I tried to go into a store with a gelatin revolver

But I was arrested for having a congealed weapon

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattro30
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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I've never been a huge fan of the Beatles album Revolver

But I gave it another shot and it blew me away

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hechtic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors

I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
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My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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Mary didn’t understand revolving doors.

Mary go round.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I proclaimed to my wife that the world does not revolve around our little girl. Perturbed, she shot back, "Why on Earth would you ever say that!?" I explained, "Well, it's really quite simple you see, she's our daughter..."

"...not our Sun."

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.

I said, β€œYou’ll come around eventually.”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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My parents said to me that the world didn't revolve around me.

But I'm their sun

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeW2017
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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If I ever own a business, I'm going to install a revolving door that looks like a glass container...

...that way, the door is always ajar.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSchneebSx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?

They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magnebuda
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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My parents said the world doesn't revolve around me...

But I'm their son

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ianlucky13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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I’ve been trying to figure out this revolving door for a while now...

It just feels like I’m going in circles.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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My parents told me that the world doesn't revolve around me...

But I'm their son

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it

Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!

πŸ‘︎ 575
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me...

I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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My wife was mad that I bought a really expensive revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Now I can see her coming around.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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My wife has this strange fear of getting stuck inside a revolving door.

I said, β€œDon’t worry. You’ll come around eventually.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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So a friend of mine was saying that her son was too demanding and that he needed to learn the world doesn't revolve around him.

I told her that hers does because he's her son and the world revolves around the son.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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What's black and white and goes round and round ?

A penguin in a revolving door

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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How does a Karen screw in a light bulb?

She puts it in the socket and expects the world to revolve around her.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cedar_Nomad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Why do rebels like revolving doors?

They're revolutionary.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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I know a couple who met in a revolving door...

I think they’re still going round together.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
🚨︎ report
This entire skit revolves around puns youtu.be/zdCGgdeP4LA
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChiefRunningTree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2013
🚨︎ report
What did the psychiatrist say to the narcissistic cowboy?

"The world dosen't REVOLVER-ound you."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elektrikpantz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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The new sailor, Leo, asked me where the ship's cook could be found.

I said, "He's in the Galley, Leo."

I swear, that guy struts around like all the planets revolve around him.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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How the turn tables... (Son and I argument)

Me: Do you think the world just revolves around you?!

Son: Well I am a s(u)n...

Me: ...

Sun: ...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCrunchyToast2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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I love that the Earth spins

It really makes my day.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue_Phoenix912
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
🚨︎ report
How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, he holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anassis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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What do you call a baby horse running in circles?

A Colt revolver!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Herochristmas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the sun selfish

Because he said the world revolves around him

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKindleys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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I got a Doors album as a record.

When I play it, they are the Revolving Doors.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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What does Copernicus and the parent of teenagers have in common?

They both dedicated their life to convincing people the universe doesn’t revolve around them.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm working on a new movie script.

The plot revolves around an MD whose patients all have unusual symptoms and need to be seen by a specialist.

Working title: REFER MADNESS

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grecianformula69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somenewinfo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Old joke, my daughter loved it.

A trio of explorers were hiking through the Congo and found a small village that was very isolated and not on any map. The villagers turned out to speak English very well, and informed the adventurers very politely that theirs was a village of cannibals and they were to be cooked and eaten, and their hides tanned and turned into canoes for the villagers, but they would allow them to take their own life however they saw fit.

The first man asks for a sharp knife, slices his wrists open, and mutters "Lay me down and bleed a while, and ne'er up again."

The second man asks for his revolver, says "For God and Country!" and shoots himself in the head.

The last man asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly screaming "Fuck your canoe!"

πŸ‘︎ 238
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimvoluntaryist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Help with a David Bowie pun?

I would like to combine a Bowie song lyric/title and a business involving cakes and flowers but I am really bad at puns. If I could get some help that would be awesome. I mostly would like the pun to revolve around cake, but if it could include that and flowers that would be amazing.

Also awesome: David Bowie song titles/lyrics that are already applicable (i.e. "Sweet Thing")

I'm super awful at puns so any and all attempts are much appreciated!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_death_at_614
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
🚨︎ report
I need mole puns

On October 23 (6.02x10^23) in my chem class we celebrate mole day. You have to make a project revolving around a mole pun. This year I did MoleDemort and printed a life size Voldemort with a mole head, but I'm out of ideas for Chem 2 AP next year. Want to get ideas early on, any suggestions? Some examples already taken that I don't want to repeat: Darth Mole Moleverine

I will add more as I remember, or if you come up with one that's already done.

Thanks in advance.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/survivalking4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife told me the other day she hates revolving doors, and is afraid to get stuck in them.

I told her, β€œYou’ll come around eventually.”

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ew0k5AN0nomi5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 311
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I informed my wife that the world does not revolve around our daughter...

Wife: "Why would you say that?"

Me: "She's our daughter; not our Sun."

πŸ‘︎ 987
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
🚨︎ report
My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me...

I guess that means I’m not actually their sun...

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report

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