My friend the pistol salesman joined a percussion group

He has his own Glock n’ spiel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I was in church the other day and the vicar was pointing his finger going "Pew, pew, pew". I asked him if he was pretending to fire a laser pistol or something...

He said "Nope, just counting the seats".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slatersays22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Bought a pistol from a guy named T Rex

Turns out he’s a small arms dealer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My friend created an artificial heart from stuff he got from a mine and an old pistol...

The heart is a vital ore-gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Have you heard of the guy who got shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it was race related.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mick3y6
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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A t-Rex sold me a pistol for a great price.

He’s my small arms dealer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattBatz1991
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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Why did the pistol have a baby?

There was no gun control

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecolorofsight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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My friend glued both his hands to his pistols. Everyone told him it was a bad idea, but he insisted they were all wrong.

He's sticking to his guns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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It was silly of Tom Cruise to put his best pistol on the highest shelf

He’s too short to reach the top gun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyTheShip
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
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Why did the pistol miss its target?

Because it had Glock-oma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gsato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2018
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A local man was shot with a starter pistol

Authorities say it was race related

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoquiero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
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"You know kids, back in the day, my rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class."

"My teacher said that it was a weapon of math disruption."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
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Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. [X-post from /r/Jokes]

Police think it might be race related.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChuckieC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
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Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...

Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Gotta get me one of those...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDogg323
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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What’s a song that costs 45Β’?

A song by 50cent ft Nickelback

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshuab006
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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Announcement In Bar

A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .9mm Smith and Western with an eight shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A deep voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

β€œHey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, β€œI’m a panda! Google me!”

β€œA tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup_mike
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Never get in a fight with a T-rex.

You'll get jurasskicked..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Husband doing crosswords with his wife

Husband: emphatic no, five letters Wife: never H: pistol, three letters W: gun H: disgust, three letters W: ugh H: charity, four letters W: give H: female sheep, three letters W: ewe H: Pixar movie, two letters W: Up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Potato23860
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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There was a shooting today,

The suspect used a starting pistol.

They say it was race related

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mediumfanta
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2017
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A man storms into a crowded bar with a loaded handgun...

Enraged, he raises the pistol into the air and shouts, "which one of you bastards had sex with my wife?!"

The bar falls silent. After what seems like an eternity, a man in the back replies:

"You don't have enough bullets!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFirstArknight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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A panda walks into a restaurant.

He seats himself at a table. The sight is so strange that the owner comes over personally and asks, "Can I help you?" The panda replies, "Do you have anything with bamboo?" The owner answers, "We have a few Chinese dishes that have bamboo." The panda says, "I'll just have the bamboo." So the owner heads to the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of bamboo. The panda eats every last morsel, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the ceiling, and walks out. The owner is startled and completely confused, so he follows the panda all the way back to the zoo. When he finds the zoo keeper, he walks up and asks, "Do you have any idea what your panda just did? He came into my restaurant, ate a bunch of bamboo, pulled out a pistol, fired it into the ceiling, and walked out." The zoo keeper replied, "Well, of course, he's a panda; that's what they do." Then, when he saw the owner was still confused, added, "Haven't you ever read about pandas?" More confused than ever, the owner walks home. He gets out his old set of encyclopedias, dusts off the letter "P, " and turns to the entry on pandas: "The panda is a large mammal, native to China; it eats bamboo shoots and leaves."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
🚨︎ report
A Punny Story

A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.

The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.

"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.

The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.

Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.

"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.

"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.

The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.

"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaronVA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2017
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What kind of gun is always mad?

A pissed-ol (pistol)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lumber__Zach
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
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my dad's christmas present

So my dad just got his concealed weapons permit recently so for Christmas my step mom got him a new pistol. Since she didn't want to wrap a handgun, she printed out a flyer from Cabela's and taped it to a stray dumbbell weight to disguise it and wrapped them up in a small box.

When my dad opens the box, without missing a beat he coolly says, "Oh, look! A new pistol with the mandatory waiting period...."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glevino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
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My father comes out with crap all the time, but this one is something else.

'Did you hear about that shooting in Hounslow? Yeah, they closed the shop and everything: some guy had a starter pistol and was threatening to shoot everyone.'
<the sound of my mother and me shocked and putting on BBC News>
'The police said it was race related.'

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcrp73
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2015
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I was hit with this recently

Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track

Police think it may be race related

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πŸ‘€︎ u/350ZisBae
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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Hitler's Doughnut, Original joke

One day during the middle of World War II Hitler woke up craving a doughnut. He called for one of his soldiers to go retrieve him one. The soldier left before realizing Hitler never told him what kind of doughnut. Not wanting to go back and ask and be punished for taking too long the soldier got a jelly filled and went back. Upon seeing the doughnut, Hitler withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier square in the chest then called in his guards to clean up the body, and sent another soldier off to get a doughnut. Not wanting to be shot like his predecessor, the second soldier got a dozen in a variety and went back. Hitler looked over the box and again withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier. He called in a third soldier and sent him to complete the job the other two had failed. Soon enough, the third soldier had made it there and back. He timidly walked Into Hitlers room and presented him a single doughnut. Hitler looked at it and said "Finally, white powdered!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oriyagi
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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Just now during our roadtrip

As we approached the minivan:

Me: Shotgun!

Dad: Pistol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/biseriousjohn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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Did you hear that a guy was shot by a starting pistol?

Apparently it was race related.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan-Mav
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Everyone remembers the historical figure Karl Marx

But no one has ever heard of his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdolsa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one mentions his sister

Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol

πŸ‘︎ 652
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gattica97
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Everyone has heard of the historical figure Karl Marx.....

But no one ever remembers his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Get set....

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hokka4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa sent me this email. King of dad jokes.
  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

  14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

  16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

  17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

  19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  21. A backward poet writes inverse.

  22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

  23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattybreit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
🚨︎ report

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