I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating
But I’m not about to quit cold turkey
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.
Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .
Found my roommate chanting in Latin to his breakfast
He said he was peforming an eggcorism
A Dad joke from my roommate.
Jesus was with Peter at a gathering (or something), and pointed to a bucket filled to the brim with water.
“Do you see that bucket over there, Peter?” Jesus asked.
“Yes, what about it?” Peter replied.
“I can turn it into wine.”
“No way!” Peter said, astonished.
Jesus smiled, “Yahweh.”
I've got an Indian roommate
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression.
So I've had to put my foot down.
When I was in college, my roommate and I would clean each other's rooms
We were maid for each other
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I'm moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
In college, my roommates and I were so poor that we could not afford to pay our electric bills.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
I need some advice. My roommate is always lighting incense and it's bothering my asthma.
How do I deal with someone who is being so incense-ative?
My roommate accidentally spilled his coffee grinds this morning...
I told him he was grounded
My roommate said if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils she’s gonna move out...
That’s a whisk I’m willing to take!
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
To my college roommate: "Thanks for looking up the definition of 'naught'".
Rumors have it my roommate is going to surprise me with a set of loudspeakers
I don't like the sound of it
My college roommate claimed that the more stoned he was, the more logical he became.
That was a wrong high pot thesis.
Why don't female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
One of the things my roommate packed for our vacation
Asked my French roommate the English vowels except e,a.
My roommates always hate on my puns but I don’t carrot all.
My roommates get mad when I steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My sister and her college roommate both bought mini fridges and now they have two...
You can never have two mini fridges
My roommate said he was gonna call the police for punning on Easter. This followed.
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.
My roommates and I have a lot of boardgames.
I'm moving out temporarily, and am bringing some with me. But bringing the strategy game is not a Risk I'm willing to take.
Got my girlfriend and her roommates today with some MRI related humor.
My girlfriend's friend was going to get an MRI scan and was nervous. I decided to lighten the mood.
Me: Did you know that dogs can't get MRI's?
GF and friends: Really?
Me: No, but cat's can.
They told me leave.
When my roommate streams on Twitch I like to invade his chat with puns. Thought you might enjoy
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.
So that both of us are in A la mode.
I accused my roommate of stealing my stuff, but he told me that he had gone out to a shooting range.
Turns out his story was full of holes.
I decided to prank my roommate
by pretending to jack off in front of him. It wasn't a good bait, or an ultra bait.
It was a master bait.
Just came up with this joke for my roommate, she was not amused.
What do you call a stone with eyes?
Roxy
My roommate just Dadjoked me.
"Hey, there's a new feature in the house. You can use your phone to turn off the lights."
He then proceeded to press his phone against the lightswitch and walk upstairs giggling.
My French roommate doesn't know anything about the department store John Lewis
She's most likely used to Jean Louis
My roommates think I'm an alcoholic.
Well, they call themselves "bartenders".
When I was in college my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his
We were maid for each other
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
In college, my roommate used to do my laundry, and I used to do his.
We were maid for each other.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
My roommate cleans my room and I clean hers.
Guess we are "maid for each other".
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.
He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
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