The Roommate Puns

I replied, "I guess I need to come clean..."

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

I keep telling him that it's "just right"

But I’m not about to quit cold turkey

Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .

It's not cool man

That was a wrong high pot thesis.

"Oh, it was nothing."

He was dead Sirius.

-Oui

She's most likely used to Jean Louis

me: okay, where are we sending it?

Our bins had been overflowing for weeks and neither of us wanted to take them out. One day I get home from work to find the bins emptied. My roommate says "I ended the bin Cold War"

And my reply was "Well I guess that makes you Garbagechev"

At first I was angry, but it's water under the fridge now.

We’ve been having a lot of issues getting everything to work, so it was hard for my roommate to resist the excitement when I turned everything on and it worked. I, on the other hand, was shocked.

He asked me how many eggs I wanted.

I said that one is enough.

He didn't get it. That made it funnier.

Me: You know, this lemonade is a pretty good deal, but only if you get three cases of it. And I don't want to take up that much room in the pantry.

Roommate: It's a dilemmonade.

On the weekends, my roomie and I head to the cleaners to do our laundry. We were folding our clothes and towels away when he commented on how fancy I fold my towels, similar to how some hotels chains have theirs folded. He asked where I learned to fold towels like that when I said "Oh, its just a natural towel-lent of mine"

me: "one called ahead!"

she left.

I told him I would meet him in the deli because I needed to get food from a different section. We come out of the aisle, right where the packaged meats are (ground beef, sirloins, chicken, etc.) and turn in separate directions. I look at them and notice right away that the overhead lights are on them are not lit. I yell, "Hey, John! John!" and he looks back at me. I point to them and say, "Dark meat". He looks at me confused, looks at them for a second. He then goes "Aaawwwww!" and throws his hat on the ground.

I'm known for my puns, so his reaction was all the better.

Just wheeled in from surgery, transferred to hospital bed. Dude's laying in his bed, moaning.

Nurse is all, sir are you ok?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

Are you in pain, sir?

Moannnnnnn.

Sir, can you tell me what hurts?

It's my wallet…

Bought this Santa toilet seat cover for the downstairs bathroom

Asked roommate if he liked it

Roommate: "It's nice, but is it a Santatary?"

Him: "Hey, I'm cutting the power now."

click

Him: "Did it work?"

Me: "I don't know…It's too dark to tell!"

I said "He was the light-up side."

I will see myself out.

Her: He was trying to freak out his mom; she had a cow.

Me: What did she name it?

I told him "I can't wait to start learning how to turn:, I then turned 90° to my left and exclaimed "holy crap I'm getting the hang of it already"

TV Announcer: "Coming up next, the pair skating competition."

Me: "Huh, I didn't know pears could skate."

So I was cleaning crumbs off of the counter and I was catching them in an empty bowl from a cup a soup.I told her it was a really good idea to do this because it was disposabowl.

So my roommates, my gf, and I decided to watch the new Riddick movie last night. After the movie was over, she says, "Well, that movie was Riddick-ulous." Audible groaning followed. She'll make a terrific dad.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.