I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
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︎ Dec 03 2020
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat Iβve been eating
But Iβm not about to quit cold turkey
π︎ 104
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︎ Nov 24 2020
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 64
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︎ Nov 12 2020
I've got an Indian roommate
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 29 2020
My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression.
So I've had to put my foot down.
π︎ 39
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︎ Jun 29 2020
When I was in college, my roommate and I would clean each other's rooms
We were maid for each other
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 26 2020
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I'm moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
π︎ 582
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︎ Mar 03 2020
Self isolation is getting so bad Iβm starting to crush on my roommate.
And weβve been married more than 27 years!
π︎ 59
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︎ Mar 22 2020
In college, my roommates and I were so poor that we could not afford to pay our electric bills.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 11 2020
I need some advice. My roommate is always lighting incense and it's bothering my asthma.
How do I deal with someone who is being so incense-ative?
π︎ 2
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︎ May 10 2020
My roommate said if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils sheβs gonna move out...
Thatβs a whisk Iβm willing to take!
π︎ 34
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︎ Feb 05 2020
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
π︎ 40
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︎ Oct 09 2018
My roommates always hate on my puns but I donβt carrot all.
π︎ 26
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︎ Apr 24 2019
My roommates get mad when I steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
π︎ 37
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︎ Apr 05 2019
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.
π︎ 64
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︎ Sep 23 2018
My roommates and I have a lot of boardgames.
I'm moving out temporarily, and am bringing some with me. But bringing the strategy game is not a Risk I'm willing to take.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 09 2019
When my roommate streams on Twitch I like to invade his chat with puns. Thought you might enjoy
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 27 2019
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.
So that both of us are in A la mode.
π︎ 14
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︎ Apr 21 2019
I accused my roommate of stealing my stuff, but he told me that he had gone out to a shooting range.
Turns out his story was full of holes.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 26 2019
I decided to prank my roommate
by pretending to jack off in front of him. It wasn't a good bait, or an ultra bait.
It was a master bait.
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 15 2018
My roommates think I'm an alcoholic.
Well, they call themselves "bartenders".
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 15 2019
I Dad joked my roommates mother
Firstly, I am no Dad sorry. But here goes.
I was sitting on the couch watching TV and my roommates mother comes in. Since it was November I had a decent mustache grown.
She said, "Hey soooeasyjoe that mustache really suits you. Are you going to shave it afterwards?"
I responded, "I'm not sure, originally I did not like it, but its growing on me."
π︎ 547
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︎ Dec 04 2013
I always knew my roommate masturbated when I was away, but today I caught him red handed
I just saw that one cumming.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 01 2019
I wrote the names of everyone Iβve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
reddit.com/r/Jokes/commenβ¦
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 21 2019
roommate: I think itβs time we address the elephant in the room.
me: okay, where are we sending it?
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 04 2018
My roommate and I have been working on re-wiring the living room in our house.
Weβve been having a lot of issues getting everything to work, so it was hard for my roommate to resist the excitement when I turned everything on and it worked. I, on the other hand, was shocked.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 17 2018
I pulled this one on my French roommate the other day...
He asked me how many eggs I wanted.
I said that one is enough.
He didn't get it. That made it funnier.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 13 2016
My roommate's getting ink done later today. I asked him when his appointment was...
He held up two fingers and said, "it's tat two o'clock"...
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 01 2016
I don't really like my Polish roommate
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 02 2015
I was getting breakfast with my roommate
I decided to order tea. A few minutes after the tea arrived at my table, my roommate accidentally knocked it over. He was apologizing profusely and I told him to sleep with one eye open, because the consequences for his actions will be steep.
π︎ 7
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︎ May 12 2016
My roommate knows I have sleep trouble and want to adopt a dog....
Told me the only dog I need is a sleep lab
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 02 2016
I got my roommate yesterday .
Him: Man, these Star Wars jokes are annoying.
Me: You could say they are Phantom Menace.
Him: Glares at me.
Happy Revenge of the Fifth!
π︎ 13
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︎ May 05 2015
I went for a run this afternoon, got my roommate.
I walk back in the house,
Him: "that was quick."
Me: "well yeah, running usually is faster than walking."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 12 2015
Get my roommate everytime with this one. When i say "get", i mean annoy everytime.
Her (in a hurry to leave): Have you seen my bag?
Me: Yeah it's lovely.
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 03 2015
I told this to my roommate yesterday
Me after pooping: "You know, if they ever kill off Carl in the Walking Dead, they should give him a burial at sea. That way, he can be one with the coral. Get it? THE CORAL!"
He groaned and my other roommate hit me.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 04 2015
I made all of my roommates groan with this one
We were playing music off of my roommates computer today, when another roommate asks him: "Do you have Adele?"
And I replied: "No, he has a Mac"
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 24 2014
When I was in college my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his
We were maid for each other
π︎ 20
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
Heβs now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 04 2019
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jul 05 2019
In college, my roommate used to do my laundry, and I used to do his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jan 26 2020
My roommate cleans my room and I clean hers.
Guess we are "maid for each other".
π︎ 19
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︎ Sep 14 2018
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.
He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Nov 11 2018
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