I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating
But I’m not about to quit cold turkey
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
I've got an Indian roommate
My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression.
So I've had to put my foot down.
When I was in college, my roommate and I would clean each other's rooms
We were maid for each other
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I'm moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
In college, my roommates and I were so poor that we could not afford to pay our electric bills.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
I need some advice. My roommate is always lighting incense and it's bothering my asthma.
How do I deal with someone who is being so incense-ative?
My roommate said if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils she’s gonna move out...
That’s a whisk I’m willing to take!
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
My roommates always hate on my puns but I don’t carrot all.
My roommates get mad when I steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.
My roommates and I have a lot of boardgames.
I'm moving out temporarily, and am bringing some with me. But bringing the strategy game is not a Risk I'm willing to take.
When my roommate streams on Twitch I like to invade his chat with puns. Thought you might enjoy
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.
So that both of us are in A la mode.
I accused my roommate of stealing my stuff, but he told me that he had gone out to a shooting range.
Turns out his story was full of holes.
My roommates think I'm an alcoholic.
Well, they call themselves "bartenders".
I Dad joked my roommates mother
Firstly, I am no Dad sorry. But here goes.
I was sitting on the couch watching TV and my roommates mother comes in. Since it was November I had a decent mustache grown.
She said, "Hey soooeasyjoe that mustache really suits you. Are you going to shave it afterwards?"
I responded, "I'm not sure, originally I did not like it, but its growing on me."
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
roommate: I think it’s time we address the elephant in the room.
me: okay, where are we sending it?
My roommate and I have been working on re-wiring the living room in our house.
We’ve been having a lot of issues getting everything to work, so it was hard for my roommate to resist the excitement when I turned everything on and it worked. I, on the other hand, was shocked.
I pulled this one on my French roommate the other day...
He asked me how many eggs I wanted.
I said that one is enough.
He didn't get it. That made it funnier.
My roommate's getting ink done later today. I asked him when his appointment was...
He held up two fingers and said, "it's tat two o'clock"...
I don't really like my Polish roommate
I was getting breakfast with my roommate
I decided to order tea. A few minutes after the tea arrived at my table, my roommate accidentally knocked it over. He was apologizing profusely and I told him to sleep with one eye open, because the consequences for his actions will be steep.
My roommate knows I have sleep trouble and want to adopt a dog....
Told me the only dog I need is a sleep lab
I got my roommate yesterday .
Him: Man, these Star Wars jokes are annoying.
Me: You could say they are Phantom Menace.
Him: Glares at me.
Happy Revenge of the Fifth!
I went for a run this afternoon, got my roommate.
I walk back in the house,
Him: "that was quick."
Me: "well yeah, running usually is faster than walking."
Get my roommate everytime with this one. When i say "get", i mean annoy everytime.
Her (in a hurry to leave): Have you seen my bag?
Me: Yeah it's lovely.
I told this to my roommate yesterday
Me after pooping: "You know, if they ever kill off Carl in the Walking Dead, they should give him a burial at sea. That way, he can be one with the coral. Get it? THE CORAL!"
He groaned and my other roommate hit me.
I made all of my roommates groan with this one
We were playing music off of my roommates computer today, when another roommate asks him: "Do you have Adele?"
And I replied: "No, he has a Mac"
When I was in college my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his
We were maid for each other
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
In college, my roommate used to do my laundry, and I used to do his.
We were maid for each other.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
My roommate cleans my room and I clean hers.
Guess we are "maid for each other".
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.
He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
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