I told my roommate that I did chores around the house even through I didn't. 'Are you lying?!" he said.
I replied, "I guess I need to come clean..."
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 31 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
In college, my roommates and I were so broke that we couldnβt pay our electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
My college roommate, Anthony, was really into Italian food and Jamaican music.
We called him Reggae Tony.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
My roommate keeps telling me why I keep the room at 90Β°
I keep telling him that it's "just right"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat Iβve been eating
But Iβm not about to quit cold turkey
π︎ 108
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 65
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.
Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .
π︎ 26
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
Found my roommate chanting in Latin to his breakfast
He said he was peforming an eggcorism
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
π︎ 941
π
︎ Mar 06 2020
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I'm moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
π︎ 579
π
︎ Mar 03 2020
My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression.
So I've had to put my foot down.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
A Dad joke from my roommate.
Jesus was with Peter at a gathering (or something), and pointed to a bucket filled to the brim with water.
βDo you see that bucket over there, Peter?β Jesus asked.
βYes, what about it?β Peter replied.
βI can turn it into wine.β
βNo way!β Peter said, astonished.
Jesus smiled, βYahweh.β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
I've got an Indian roommate
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
When I was in college, my roommate and I would clean each other's rooms
We were maid for each other
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
Self isolation is getting so bad Iβm starting to crush on my roommate.
And weβve been married more than 27 years!
π︎ 59
π
︎ Mar 22 2020
In college, my roommates and I were so poor that we could not afford to pay our electric bills.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
I need some advice. My roommate is always lighting incense and it's bothering my asthma.
How do I deal with someone who is being so incense-ative?
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 10 2020
My roommate accidentally spilled his coffee grinds this morning...
I told him he was grounded
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 06 2020
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
π︎ 39
π
︎ Oct 09 2018
My roommate said if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils sheβs gonna move out...
Thatβs a whisk Iβm willing to take!
π︎ 33
π
︎ Feb 05 2020
Why don't female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
π︎ 256
π
︎ Jan 04 2019
One of the things my roommate packed for our vacation
π︎ 24
π
︎ Feb 23 2019
Rumors have it my roommate is going to surprise me with a set of loudspeakers
I don't like the sound of it
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 21 2019
My college roommate claimed that the more stoned he was, the more logical he became.
That was a wrong high pot thesis.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 01 2019
To my college roommate: "Thanks for looking up the definition of 'naught'".
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 17 2020
My roommates always hate on my puns but I donβt carrot all.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 24 2019
My roommates get mad when I steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Apr 05 2019
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.
π︎ 62
π
︎ Sep 23 2018
My sister and her college roommate both bought mini fridges and now they have two...
You can never have two mini fridges
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 11 2019
My roommate said he was gonna call the police for punning on Easter. This followed.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 21 2019
Asked my French roommate the English vowels except e,a.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 22 2019
Got my girlfriend and her roommates today with some MRI related humor.
My girlfriend's friend was going to get an MRI scan and was nervous. I decided to lighten the mood.
Me: Did you know that dogs can't get MRI's?
GF and friends: Really?
Me: No, but cat's can.
They told me leave.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Apr 10 2015
My roommates and I have a lot of boardgames.
I'm moving out temporarily, and am bringing some with me. But bringing the strategy game is not a Risk I'm willing to take.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 09 2019
When my roommate streams on Twitch I like to invade his chat with puns. Thought you might enjoy
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 27 2019
My roommate just Dadjoked me.
"Hey, there's a new feature in the house. You can use your phone to turn off the lights."
He then proceeded to press his phone against the lightswitch and walk upstairs giggling.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 15 2015
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.
So that both of us are in A la mode.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 21 2019
I decided to prank my roommate
by pretending to jack off in front of him. It wasn't a good bait, or an ultra bait.
It was a master bait.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 15 2018
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to see again.
π︎ 72
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
Heβs now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 04 2019
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jul 05 2019
When I was in college my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his
We were maid for each other
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jan 26 2020
In college, my roommate used to do my laundry, and I used to do his.
We were maid for each other.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
My roommate cleans my room and I clean hers.
Guess we are "maid for each other".
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 14 2018
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.
He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Nov 11 2018
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