Told me the only dog I need is a sleep lab
Our bins had been overflowing for weeks and neither of us wanted to take them out. One day I get home from work to find the bins emptied. My roommate says "I ended the bin Cold War"
And my reply was "Well I guess that makes you Garbagechev"
Three roommates, a human, a monkey and a dog are watching Netflix when the human and monkey start laughing. The dog rolls his eyes and says “That joke is getting old.” The monkey then says “Hey, do you want to press play next time?” The human almost chokes on his soda as he starts laughing hysterically. The dog gets up and goes to his room. As he walks off, he turns and with a single tear forming, and his voice quivering he blurts out “You both know I only have paws!”
My roommates took me out for my birthday last night and one of the strippers was showing me her tattoos when she asked if I wanted to she mistake one. I said sure and she proceeded to show me a tattoo of a steak with eyes and a mouth wearing make-up. It was a "Ms. Steak" I lost it.
Convo with my roommate a few minutes ago...
Me: Hey, want to get Curry n Kebab for lunch tomorrow?
RM: E's picking me up for Telluride at one tomorrow so I probably won't have time.
Me: Well you better Telluride that they gonn' have to wait for you to eat ya curry!
Last night at around midnight, I took my friend/roommate/exboyfriend to the ER when he came literally crawling to my room incoherent and sweating and shaking because of head pain.
When we got there I called his parents to let them know what was going on. They rushed over and met us in his room where the doctor was giving him some neurological tests. The ER doc decided it was most likely a migraine or cluster headache and gave my friend pain medicine and an IV, but wanted to do a CAT scan just to rule out any bleeding.
So they took him off to get the scan, and his parents and I sat around talking. His dad was practically falling asleep in his chair as I had woken them up with my call, but he still managed to drop this one when they wheeled my friend back into the room:
He gave the nurse pushing my friend's cart a worried look. "Don't sugar coat it, did you find any cats in there?"
Me: You know, this lemonade is a pretty good deal, but only if you get three cases of it. And I don't want to take up that much room in the pantry.
Roommate: It's a dilemmonade.
So my "uncle" Frank and my dad have known each other since college where they were roommates together for all 4 years. One joke they keep going between them surely pulls a few laughs from everyone in the vicinity.
So whenever they get together, the drinks are not far behind. So here is how it plays out...
Dad: (you want some) liquor?
Frank: lick her? I barely know her!!
And they start cracking up.
They do the same thing for poker.
Edit: Formatting
Friend: I have that cord for your roommate if he still wants it.
Me: I'm sure he does. What are you up to tonight?
Friend: Watching some Netflix then hitting the hay.
Me: What did the hay do to deserve that?
Friend: Got on my last straw.
Me: "I'm going to Target, want anything?"
Roommate: "I'm good, what are you getting?"
Me: "a bullseye"
Roommate: "that was terrible dude."
I leave laughing my butt off while he's rolls his eyes.
Edit:formatting
My roommate said, "Is that a Fiat behind your car?"
"Yes," I replied. "Do you want to know why it's called that?"
"Why?" She asked.
"Because big guys like me can't FIat inside it."
Dadjoked Look Ensues
