My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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To my college roommate: "Thanks for looking up the definition of 'naught'".

"Oh, it was nothing."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EltaninAntenna
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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Asked my French roommate the English vowels except e,a.

-Oui

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nibir204
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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My college roommate claimed that the more stoned he was, the more logical he became.

That was a wrong high pot thesis.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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One of the things my roommate packed for our vacation
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cocky_Balboa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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My roommate said he was gonna call the police for punning on Easter. This followed.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KelvinShadewing
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
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My French roommate doesn't know anything about the department store John Lewis

She's most likely used to Jean Louis

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/felixsaurus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedEyedGrassMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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roommate: I think it’s time we address the elephant in the room.

me: okay, where are we sending it?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heytheresexythang
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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My roommate kicked a piece of ice under the refrigerator.

At first I was angry, but it's water under the fridge now.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTT_2k3
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
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Got my roommate after he took out the bins

Our bins had been overflowing for weeks and neither of us wanted to take them out. One day I get home from work to find the bins emptied. My roommate says "I ended the bin Cold War"

And my reply was "Well I guess that makes you Garbagechev"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TahMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2015
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My roommate ran out of buns and used the last of my flatbreads for his breakfast this morning. He didn't find my response amusing.
πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imnotwitty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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My roommate and I have been working on re-wiring the living room in our house.

We’ve been having a lot of issues getting everything to work, so it was hard for my roommate to resist the excitement when I turned everything on and it worked. I, on the other hand, was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maximilian156
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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I pulled this one on my French roommate the other day...

He asked me how many eggs I wanted.

I said that one is enough.

He didn't get it. That made it funnier.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RawrYoFace
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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Doing the laundry with my roommate when my Dad-skills activated

On the weekends, my roomie and I head to the cleaners to do our laundry. We were folding our clothes and towels away when he commented on how fancy I fold my towels, similar to how some hotels chains have theirs folded. He asked where I learned to fold towels like that when I said "Oh, its just a natural towel-lent of mine"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Left4dinner
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2016
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Went to the store with my roommate today.

Me: You know, this lemonade is a pretty good deal, but only if you get three cases of it. And I don't want to take up that much room in the pantry.

Roommate: It's a dilemmonade.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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Roommate rummaging through the wine shelf: "dude, what's the difference between this Cabernet standard and a Cabernet reserve?"

me: "one called ahead!"

she left.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackiejack1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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Went to the grocery store with my roommate.

I told him I would meet him in the deli because I needed to get food from a different section. We come out of the aisle, right where the packaged meats are (ground beef, sirloins, chicken, etc.) and turn in separate directions. I look at them and notice right away that the overhead lights are on them are not lit. I yell, "Hey, John! John!" and he looks back at me. I point to them and say, "Dark meat". He looks at me confused, looks at them for a second. He then goes "Aaawwwww!" and throws his hat on the ground.

I'm known for my puns, so his reaction was all the better.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyShrimp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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My pop's roommate at the hospital, recovering

Just wheeled in from surgery, transferred to hospital bed. Dude's laying in his bed, moaning.

Nurse is all, sir are you ok?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

Are you in pain, sir?

Moannnnnnn.

Sir, can you tell me what hurts?

It's my wallet…

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedorner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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Roommate got me in the bathroom

Bought this Santa toilet seat cover for the downstairs bathroom

Asked roommate if he liked it

Roommate: "It's nice, but is it a Santatary?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LarryLovehandles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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My roommate asked me if getting his teacher to support legalizing marijuana made him the dark side?

I said "He was the light-up side."

I will see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bakon65
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2015
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Roommate had to cut the power upstairs

Him: "Hey, I'm cutting the power now."

click

Him: "Did it work?"

Me: "I don't know…It's too dark to tell!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticsimba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
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My roommate gave me the death glare

Her: He was trying to freak out his mom; she had a cow.

Me: What did she name it?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pooga
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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Me and my roommate go to school for woodworking and are looking forward to the lathe next semester.

I told him "I can't wait to start learning how to turn:, I then turned 90Β° to my left and exclaimed "holy crap I'm getting the hang of it already"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mackhasarack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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While watching the last Winter Olympics with my roommates...

TV Announcer: "Coming up next, the pair skating competition."

Me: "Huh, I didn't know pears could skate."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quaalude_Dude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
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I got my roommate the other day

So I was cleaning crumbs off of the counter and I was catching them in an empty bowl from a cup a soup.I told her it was a really good idea to do this because it was disposabowl.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrshitlips
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report

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