My 5 year old just ran out of her room to tell me this joke she just thought up: what did the cow say after he was fed?
Moooooooooore!
I've never been this proud of anything in my life.
There can be 100 people in a room.
And 99 won't slap you, but one Will.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture, but when I got home...
...the tables were turned!
Pun walked into a room and killed 10 people
Not to brag, but I went into a room and actually remembered why I went in there....
It was the bathroom, but still.....
Why are McDonald's ice cream machines not allowed in the court room?
Because they're always out of order
This was in the room when I got my massage. What's the first thing that comes to mind when reading this?
What do you call it when Jason Momoa leaves the room?
Jason No-moa
Stolen from a co-worker today
I was in the emergency room the other day, and I was panicking.
A nurse came over and gave me a cup of tea. As soon as I finished it, I felt completely relaxed, put my feet up, and sat back in my chair. I asked the nurse what it was, and she said...
"Casual tea"
I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said “I’m sorry— your wife didn’t make it.”
I said, “Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?”
How do you make a room full of epileptics dance?
Ask someone with Parkinson’s to turn off the lights.
What starts with and "e" and ends with an "e" and has only one letter in it?
The elephant in the room
I bought an elephant for my friend’s room.
He said, “Thanks.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.”
Mom: Can you put a door on the extra room?
Dad: I’ll have to measure the doorway and see if it’s cute enough.
Mom: What?
Dad: I have to make sure it’s a doorable.
Do you know what to do when you're in a cold room?
Just go stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees
Told my daughter she needed to clean her room and pick-up her dog’s poo.
There used to be a pharaoh who wouldn’t let people into his throne room until they farted
His name was toot and come in
How hot should a delivery room be?
Son: "Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?"
Dad: "Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."
I called all four of my kids to the living room to replace the light bulb on the lamp stand.
Many hands make light work
The Panic Room
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just had a panic room installed in our house," he tells the bartender. "That's interesting. So what do you stock a panic room with?" the bartender asks. "Well so far I've put a tape measure in it," the guy says. "Because desperate times call for desperate measures."
My cousin asked me if there were flies in my room
I told him it’s a no fly zone
I went to my room to change my clothes but decided against it.
Instead, I changed my mind
Man walks into a room and asks: Sorry, is this nostalgia club?
Yeah, but it's not what it used to be.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Goto corner it's always 90°
"Honey, we really need to put a black hole in our living room!" She frowned at me and asked, "What are talking about?"
"It'll really pull the room together!"
My 10 Year Old "Dad Joked" Me This Weekend
He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?"
I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure."
As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile.
I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence.
*edit/update* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.
Sitting in a posh fish and chip shop, we saw a doorway marked 'The Pie Room'.
We wondered what was inside this room, and why the pastry was being kept separate from the batter. My 11 year old shook his head ruefully: 'A-pie-theid'.
How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there isn't a single person there.
While waiting to use the men's room at a local bar I noticed everyone would do their business, sing, and then flush.
Then I saw the sign above the urinal, "Flush after using".
My 7 yo son: Imagine this room has no doors or windows, how do you get out?
Me: Break the wall?
Him: Just wake up from your imagination.
I opened up the black out curtains in my son’s room this morning
and the difference was night and day.
My chemist wife refurnishes the dining room quite often
She favors periodic tables over more permanent ones
Present, past and future walked into the same room.
Operating rooms
should be called gash stations.
What's a communist flag in your girlfriends room?
The doctors took me away to the surgery room, where they'd be transforming me into a midget.
"I will be thinking of you," cried my wife down the hallway.
I turned around and said, "Don't worry - I'll be with you shortly."
What’s the hottest part of a room?
The corner, as it’s 90 degrees
A pun walks into a room and kills ten people
There could be 100 people in the room, and 99 won't slap you,
There can be 100 people in a room, and 99% of them won't walk up to you and slap you in the face.
You can be in a room of a hundred people and 99 people won't hit you.
A pun enters a room and kills 10 people...
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture but when I got home...
...the tables were turned.
You don't have a living room
Because it doesn't breathe
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
