If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go after they die?

Purrrgatory

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xerxes2004
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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We should thank heaven for nipples.

Without them boobs would be pointless.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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If hell is hot, then heaven's gotta be cold

Guess that's why they call it paradice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificent-Moe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Two inventors died and ascended to heaven. There, they met each other and with their brilliant minds created a brand new form of fire making utensil.

It was a match made in heaven.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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I love heaven.

It's to die for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_-Ewan-_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What do gamblers call heaven?

Paradise

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rivethart
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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And Jesus said "come forth and win the kingdom of heaven!"

But I came 5th and won a teapot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Are you sure heaven is a fun place to be?

Because I was told it's nice as HELL! *ba-dum-tss*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NatureGuy45
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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When you die, what part of your body goes to heaven first?

Your feet, because God takes your soul

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashur305
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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If heaven isn’t real, when I die I want to become a star.

It would be a great constellation prize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Two cowboys have a duel, which one goes to heaven?

The holier one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/duplicitist
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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Does "The Mandate of Heaven" essentially boil down to a Call-it-fate Caliphate?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electronicwaffle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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Heaven is soo cool!

But Hell is definitely hotter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/12D_D21
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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I told my son I believe everyone goes to heaven until the resurrection of the saints

He said, "Why just the saints? There's like 31 other football teams."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Horton780
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Why do shoemakers go to heaven?

Because they have good soles

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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If there's no gambling in heaven...

... why do they call it para-dice?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Did you hear about the dyslexic dog from heaven?

It was a Dogsend.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arch3typ3_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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Did you hear about that show with the nun who ruled over heaven?

I want to quiz you on it.

First question: What was it called?

A: The Heir to Heaven B: Hi, I’m Up High C: Girls Rule the Afterlife

>!Whatever you answered, it was wrong. It’s Nun of the Above.!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KawaiiFoxPlays
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Other names include the- Slide of Death, or the slide to heaven
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rud-Hi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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Found this on comedy heaven
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty-weeaboo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Why are all shoe makers going to heaven?

They have good soles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/6lesbianlover9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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No joke I just miss my dad. Happy fathers day in heaven dad dad daddy-o
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates...

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, utte

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thora-suan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Bowie and Bing Crosby meet up in heaven…

David Bowie: "You look a bit down in the dumps, Bing. What's wrong?"

Bing Crosby: "my inflatable arsehole needs blown up."

Bowie: "Do you want to borrow my rubber bum pump?"

Bing: "Rubber bum pump?"

Bowie: "Rubber bum pump."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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How do you find a huge house in heaven?

Godzillow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, β€œNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."

The man shrugged and said, β€œMy wife told me to stand here.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.

He says to the guy in front of him, β€œHey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, β€œI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, β€œI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, β€œWhat kind of things did you do in your life?” β€œWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” β€œI don’t know,” says God. β€œWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, β€œWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leoninator123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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Highway to Heaven
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanAllPineapples
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Well it's heavens comedy...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samtonatorn
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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Do you think Snoop will go to heaven when he dies? Of course, because all dawgs go to heaven.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hairlusbalz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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Why are there gates to heaven and hell?

Because people are dying to get in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Midget-boi2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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If someone does something dumb in Heaven/Hell, are they making a "grave-mistake"?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurritoBro91234
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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A bald head is just like Heaven

there's no dyeing or parting there

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scruluce
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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What kind of bread is served in Heaven?

Ciabatta?

Focaccia?

Sourdough?

Actually it's Naan of the above.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vik-Vinegar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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What do you call nun in heaven?

if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rplusg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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If there's a stairway to heaven...

... is there a hellevator?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kjc1131
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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Whenever I ask someone what you call a heaven-sent nun, I warn them that their answer's probably wrong.

After all, it's nun of the above

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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A nun was fired from he job in heaven...

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeromePaulos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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What does a gambler find in heaven?

A pair’a’dice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MojoMasterGT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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Is a nun in heaven called "nun of the above"?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jadelancer8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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