During quarrantine I've really perfected how to make some heavenly rice.

I boil the hell out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/enganere
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go after they die?

Purrrgatory

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xerxes2004
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
We should thank heaven for nipples.

Without them boobs would be pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 354
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
If hell is hot, then heaven's gotta be cold

Guess that's why they call it paradice

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificent-Moe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The dog pooped on the floor, and it stank to high heavens.

So I blasted the Febreezus out of the place.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmartinator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Two inventors died and ascended to heaven. There, they met each other and with their brilliant minds created a brand new form of fire making utensil.

It was a match made in heaven.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do gamblers call heaven?

Paradise

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rivethart
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
And Jesus said "come forth and win the kingdom of heaven!"

But I came 5th and won a teapot.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you sure heaven is a fun place to be?

Because I was told it's nice as HELL! *ba-dum-tss*

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NatureGuy45
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When you die, what part of your body goes to heaven first?

Your feet, because God takes your soul

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ashur305
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If heaven isn’t real, when I die I want to become a star.

It would be a great constellation prize.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two cowboys have a duel, which one goes to heaven?

The holier one.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/duplicitist
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Seven and eleven have the word 'even' in them....

I find that odd !!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Does "The Mandate of Heaven" essentially boil down to a Call-it-fate Caliphate?
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Electronicwaffle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents?

One Buck.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
When God lights a cigarette....

Is it with a match made in Heaven ?

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Heaven is soo cool!

But Hell is definitely hotter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/12D_D21
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my son I believe everyone goes to heaven until the resurrection of the saints

He said, "Why just the saints? There's like 31 other football teams."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Horton780
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When a Jehovah's Witness dies....

Does Heaven turn out the lights and pretends nobody's home ?

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a Jehovah's Witness favourite song?

Knockin' on Heavens Door

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Team_Pineapple
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do shoemakers go to heaven?

Because they have good soles

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If there's no gambling in heaven...

... why do they call it para-dice?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dyslexic dog from heaven?

It was a Dogsend.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What Cologne does Jesus Wear?

heaven scent

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/belac2002
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arch3typ3_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Other names include the- Slide of Death, or the slide to heaven
πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rud-Hi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about that show with the nun who ruled over heaven?

I want to quiz you on it.

First question: What was it called?

A: The Heir to Heaven B: Hi, I’m Up High C: Girls Rule the Afterlife

>!Whatever you answered, it was wrong. It’s Nun of the Above.!<

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KawaiiFoxPlays
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
No joke I just miss my dad. Happy fathers day in heaven dad dad daddy-o
πŸ‘︎ 711
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Found this on comedy heaven
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty-weeaboo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Sex is a sin

Sex is a sin unless it’s doggy style cause all dogs go to heaven. Woof woof

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cadaverkitten94
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates...

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."

The saint lets her right into Heaven.

The End.

πŸ‘︎ 284
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thora-suan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are all shoe makers going to heaven?

They have good soles.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/6lesbianlover9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Bowie and Bing Crosby meet up in heaven…

David Bowie: "You look a bit down in the dumps, Bing. What's wrong?"

Bing Crosby: "my inflatable arsehole needs blown up."

Bowie: "Do you want to borrow my rubber bum pump?"

Bing: "Rubber bum pump?"

Bowie: "Rubber bum pump."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, β€œNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."

The man shrugged and said, β€œMy wife told me to stand here.”

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you find a huge house in heaven?

Godzillow

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Highway to Heaven
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BanAllPineapples
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.

He says to the guy in front of him, β€œHey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, β€œI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, β€œI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, β€œWhat kind of things did you do in your life?” β€œWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” β€œI don’t know,” says God. β€œWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, β€œWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Leoninator123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Well it's heavens comedy...
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/samtonatorn
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks β€œwhy should I hire you?” The applicant responded β€œI have a special talent!”

β€œOh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

β€œYou’re hired!!” He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked β€œwho is he?”

The priest responded β€œI don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Back, back, back... Gone!

When you are afflicted by Heaven with pain down your back, buttock, and hamstring: SCIATICA D'SHMAYA.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/psetnik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
If someone does something dumb in Heaven/Hell, are they making a "grave-mistake"?
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BurritoBro91234
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I love heaven.

It's to die for.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_-Ewan-_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you think Snoop will go to heaven when he dies? Of course, because all dawgs go to heaven.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hairlusbalz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are there gates to heaven and hell?

Because people are dying to get in

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Midget-boi2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report

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