I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
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︎ Dec 08 2020
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
You're damn right it will
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︎ Nov 11 2020
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still donβt get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
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︎ Dec 17 2020
They're finally spilling the beans
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Somebody stole my Microsoft office and they're going to pay.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
What do search engines say when they're happy ?
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Youβre never wrong when you write
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︎ Jan 28 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
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︎ Jan 26 2021
What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Have you heard theyβre making Christmas themed tampons?
Theyβre for the festive period!
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Losing 20Β£ is easy if you know what you're doing.
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︎ Jan 22 2021
We're going to buy some glasses
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︎ Dec 11 2020
Officer: Youβre under arrest for stealing the Wikipedia servers...
Me: But officer, I can explain everything!
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︎ Jan 27 2021
You're a real foot
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︎ Jan 14 2021
When visiting Hawaii, you're not allowed to laugh out loud.
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Don't ever try eating a clock if you're in a hurry
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︎ Jan 14 2021
So if you're in line for Pho are you in the
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︎ Jan 13 2021
You know you're getting old when...
You go from hip-hopping, to hip popping.
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Oman! Youβre about to read some terrible stuff.
βI live in Spain without the βsββ.
This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.
Itβs about to Bahrain jokes without the βBahβ.
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I have a double China without the βaβ.
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Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the βanβ.
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Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.
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You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the βJβ.
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You probably canβt Kuwait to stop reading these without the βKuβ.
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Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.
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As youβve probably guessed, I donβt even have one Nepal without the βNeβ.
All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food.
Why am I always India-r need of food?
I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the βDenβ, of course.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
In case you're feeling crummy.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
YOU KNOW YOUβRE A DAD WHENβ¦
β’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.
β’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure youβll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.
β’ you change your carβs oil exactly every 2,000 miles.
β’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.
β’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.
β’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Some people think it's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
What happens when you're looking for the Mortal Kombat soundtrack?
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Youβre safe here
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︎ Dec 04 2020
Sex when you're camping is the ultimate rush.
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Donβt blame others for the road that youβre on
Thatβs your own asphalt
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︎ Dec 30 2020
If you're Russian in the kitchen what are you in the bathroom?
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︎ Dec 24 2020
So they're getting rid of the essay portion of the SAT
Just calling it the T exam now.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
It doesnβt matter if youβre tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
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︎ Dec 05 2020
A farmer goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, my wheat crop is done for! I don't know how we're going to survive!"...
The doctor replies "That's terrible! But, I'm not sure what I can do for you. I've never worked a field in my life! I'm a doctor, after all. Why would you come to me for help?"
The farmer is outraged! "What do you mean you can't help!? My friend Jeffery has been telling me for years that I should come to you if I ever needed help with my grains!"
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︎ Jan 28 2021
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Who works after they're fired?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Dress warm if youβre in DC today!
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Twitter has gone too far! Now they're banning Mario for threatening the President.
Evidently he found out that Trump was in Peach twice.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Youβre Hired!
A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, βOh my goodness! Youβre so experienced! Youβre hired, and you can name your salary!β
The interviewee paused for a moment and said βThank you. Iβd like to call mine Dennis.β
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Donβt blame others for the road youβre on...
Thatβs your own asphalt
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Darth Vader knows what youβre getting for Christmas
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Don't blame others for the road you're on.
π︎ 123
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︎ Nov 29 2020
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