I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
You're damn right it will
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
They're finally spilling the beans
Somebody stole my Microsoft office and they're going to pay.
What do search engines say when they're happy ?
You’re never wrong when you write
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
Have you heard they’re making Christmas themed tampons?
They’re for the festive period!
Losing 20£ is easy if you know what you're doing.
We're going to buy some glasses
Officer: You’re under arrest for stealing the Wikipedia servers...
Me: But officer, I can explain everything!
When visiting Hawaii, you're not allowed to laugh out loud.
Don't ever try eating a clock if you're in a hurry
So if you're in line for Pho are you in the
You know you're getting old when...
You go from hip-hopping, to hip popping.
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.
“I live in Spain without the ‘s’”.
This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.
It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the “Bah”.
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I have a double China without the “a”.
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Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the “an”.
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Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.
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You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the “J”.
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You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the “Ku”.
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Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.
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As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the “Ne”.
All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food.
Why am I always India-r need of food?
I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the “Den”, of course.
In case you're feeling crummy.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…
• you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.
• you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.
• you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.
• mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.
• you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.
• your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
Some people think it's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
What happens when you're looking for the Mortal Kombat soundtrack?
Sex when you're camping is the ultimate rush.
Don’t blame others for the road that you’re on
If you're Russian in the kitchen what are you in the bathroom?
So they're getting rid of the essay portion of the SAT
Just calling it the T exam now.
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
A farmer goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, my wheat crop is done for! I don't know how we're going to survive!"...
The doctor replies "That's terrible! But, I'm not sure what I can do for you. I've never worked a field in my life! I'm a doctor, after all. Why would you come to me for help?"
The farmer is outraged! "What do you mean you can't help!? My friend Jeffery has been telling me for years that I should come to you if I ever needed help with my grains!"
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
Who works after they're fired?
Dress warm if you’re in DC today!
Twitter has gone too far! Now they're banning Mario for threatening the President.
Evidently he found out that Trump was in Peach twice.
You’re Hired!
A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, “Oh my goodness! You’re so experienced! You’re hired, and you can name your salary!”
The interviewee paused for a moment and said “Thank you. I’d like to call mine Dennis.”
Don’t blame others for the road you’re on...
Darth Vader knows what you’re getting for Christmas
Don't blame others for the road you're on.
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