While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
I’m excellent at wrapping presents...
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
Why don't trees get Christmas presents from Santa?
i got this as a birthday present and thought this sub would appreciate a good music pun
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
I have this incredible talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?
What’s the best present you can gift?
A broken drum kit.
Nobody can beat that....
What is the best house warming present?
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present.
How do toads open presents?
My wife asked me to help her wrap presents...
So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.
"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"
She wasn't as amused as I was.
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream
I can't wait to rub it in
The Pasta, Present and Future [OC]
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
Every year Santa delivers presents to the kids....
....based on what their parents income is.
Teenagers are no longer getting many Xmas presents
Because they are in the noughties list.
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite sport?
I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: But you are the lawyer?
Me: Then where’s my present?
Which musician gives the nicest Christmas presents?
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Santa got Coronavirus this year so Mrs Claus had to take over toy production, orders, and present deliveries.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue.
It's intense tense in tents
What’s the best worm for wrapping presents?
In my graphic design course, we all had to make typefaces inspired by our favorite US cities, and present them in class.
We all knew that at some point, we’d have to discuss the LA font in the room.
A man sitting in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present!”
The policeman says “You are the lawyer!”
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.
A penis shaped lollipop isn’t a real present...
The past, present, and future walked into a bar...
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
What is always wrapped up in the present ?
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
Every year Santa delivers presents to kids....
.....based on what their parents income is.
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite music?
The past, present and future walk into a room.
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present, Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar
Things got a little tense
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
The past,The present and The future entered a bar
Why do trees never get Christmas Presents?
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