Preparing Puns

The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."

Elemphants, cause they are pachyderms.

What a load of crap!

"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".

It's the Wurst Käse scenario.

Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”

Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”

I have to say it really shucks.

He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, “This bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, “Dad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, “It’s better to halve it and not knead it.”

I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."

Jake says, “No, just a regular suit.”

"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."

Fry-day

I said, “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!"

It was a custardy battle.

It's about thyme

(Ned Stark's voice) "Dadjokes are coming"

Seedless to say, I won't be planting anything tomorrow.

Me: (cuddling) I'm not sure why I'm rubbing my ear on your nose Him: I guess you want to h-ear what I nose.

He also says "Hi Hungry, I'm (SO)" every time I say I'm hungry. Grr.

She was busy slicing the watermelon when I mentioned a YouTube video I had seen recently that talks about how you can grill it.

She asked about it and I told her how they basically cooked it like a steak.

"I guess that would make it filet MELON."

Her face got immediately red and she shook her head trying not to laugh.

My girlfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. I put my head on her chest.

ME: Your boobs make good pillows. HER: Yea they are pretty soft. ME: Are they made of mammary-foam?

She paused for a moment before groaning and eventually giving it a good chuckle. So proud.

my girlfriend is on vacation and told me she was going to bring me home something.

She just texted me "I got you some candy today"

I said "That's so sweet!"

she said "I could barf now."

I'm just glad she got the joke! I'm going to be a great father one day!

Over the weekend, while working in the yard, a neighbor walked by and asked if I had seen their dog. I told her I hadn't, but I would keep watch out for it.

A little bit later a police cruiser pulled up and asked if I had seen a shih tzu. I told them that there was one in Columbus and one in Cincinnati, but they were both pretty good. The passenger rolled his eyes, but the driver literally laughed out loud. The dad was apparent.

I told her, 'Let's go into the living room and toss about these leftover rolls!' She gives me a funny look, takes the bait and asks why. I reply....

'Then we'd be...'

'Roll playing!'

While chopping a jalapeño, I cut off the top and pulled out the seeds and said, "Look, dear - a hollowpeño!" She was amused!

She was a bit less amused when I cut off a chunk and said, "It was all-apeño, now it's half-apeño."

My brother got married recently. While we were getting dressed in our tuxedos, my dad and my brother's wife's sister's husband, who is a gynecologist, were trying to figure out how to tie my brother's bow tie (the rest of us had clip-ons).

They were watching a video as my gyno-in-law carefully followed along. My dad said, 'It's so complicated. So many folds.' And my brother's wife's sister's husband said, 'good thing I'm a gynecologist'

posted this story as a comment in a recent r/AskReddit post. Thought you'd like it too

Mom: Have you shaved and showered for tonight?
Dad: Yup.
Mom: Do you know what you're wearing?
Dad: Do you mean right now??

Image of food preparation and how it went down: http://i.imgur.com/sYdDfrW.png

"How much do pirates pay for their corn?"

"A buck-an-ear"

I ask him from the living room "How far away is dinner?"

"Ahhh about 8 or 9 meters"

We'd been going through names from name generator for my niece or nephew, coming to the end of our tether..

Me: "why don't you just call it whatever you want to call it"

Brother: "well that would be a long name, I can't just call it 'whatever-you-want-to-call-it'"

Wife: "oh I pulled out steaks for Dinner but forgot you won't be home!"

Me (Dad to be in Nov): "That's ok, Missed Steaks are made."

My girlfriends mom: "That storm cloud is really making me nervous!"

Girlfriends brother: "Oh, I'm pretty sure it's going to pass over."

Me: "Passover? It's Easter!"

I excitedly screamed "It's time!!!"

My wife ran in with her phone to take a picture and groaned when she found me standing there holding up a bunch of thyme.

My wife leaves a ton of hairs in the bathtub and forgets to pick them up. I call her on it.

Her: "well, you're in the bathroom now, pick them up."

Me: "no. You always do it. It's the principal of it."

Her: "no it's not the principal 'cause they haven't gone to school."

ಠ_ಠ i couldn't stoo laughing for about 5 minutes.

I told her that she is really boxing me in. Can't wait until these dad jokes become official.

http://i.imgur.com/np9XSde.jpg

My boss was setting up a teleconference between our home office and our branch office in Washington D.C. I wasn't attending this meeting, but was outside the room getting some coffee when he came out. We made some small talk and he said he was waiting on everyone in the D.C. office to finish eating before he headed back into the room. This was my moment to shine:

Me: "Oh, were they eating conifers?"

Boss (slightly confused) "No"

Me: "You're right. They probably eat D.Ciduous food out there"

Too good not to share.

I went with my girlfriend to fill out some paperwork for her new job, and for whatever reason (no idea why), the lady asks how we got in (I assume what set of doors we used). So here's how it went

Her: how'd you guys get in? Me: through the doors? Her: oh you're a smart one

But it would be a shame if you put an ‘s’ at the front and ‘e’ at the end.

"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end."