My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
Time to put on the costume
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
....and then put it back on the shelf.
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."
I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."
Why did the chicken put on sunscreen?
So he wouldn’t get fried.
I put the punchline to this joke on Mr.Jackman's head.
If you don't get it, joke's on Hugh.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
What do cars put on their toast for breakfast?
Kid: [whining] “Dad, will you put my shoes on?.” Dad: “No...
...they’ll never fit me.”
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.
They're always dropping the ball.
Get in a pun battle with me, and I’ll have to put on my...
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.
Now they can Scandinavian!
guess what my dad won’t let me put on my car?
dammit, I’m not even allowed to mark this post as a spoiler
What do gingerbread men put on their beds?
Why did Rudolph get put on scholastic probation?
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
So I decided I'm going to put cigarette pictures on my Tinder
Because I'm looking for matches
I made some of my favourite puns into drawings to go on t shirts that I’ve put online! This one is my favourite ‘High Steaks Poker’
i don't know why marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the hulk.....
he's essentially a big banner.
Edit: credits to u/mindswag and idk if that was done before :)
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
You should put that on a shirt they said.
What did Jesus say to Peter when he was put up on the Cross?
Yo, I can see your house from up here
I put on a blindfold to see what I would look like in the mirror.
To be honest, I just don't see myself wearing it.
Why should you put mustard on a puppy with a fever?
Because it's the best thing for a hot dog
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
I was asked to put either an inspirational quote or a joke on the message board at work.
My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...
My wife asked me to put Ketchup on the shopping list ..
But now I can't read anything.
My Wife Asked Me To Put Ketchup On The Shopping List
Now I can't read any of it
"Dad, can you put my shoes on?"
"No, I don't think they'll fit me."
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
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