He pretended to be a father.
But I immediately recognized the faux pas.
My son asked me today what déjà vu meant as some bet. I pretended I didn't hear him to make him ask me again so I could teach him.
So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door
I pretended to throw a ball for my plecostomus, and he chased after it.
My wife bought me a two-legged table. I pretended to like it.
But the truth is, I can't stand it.
TIL about Arda Djoques, a homeless woman in Baltimore who wandered into a school and pretended to be a substitute teacher for two weeks. Despite great reviews from her peers, when the school found out, she was forcefully thrown to the street.
Pretended to get shocked while fixing an electric switch.
Her: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah. It just Hertz a little.
My wife pretended she didn't hear me...
It's getting late, baby is napping, wife is starting to make dinner, I'm browsing Reddit in the other room. Suddenly from the other room I hear:
> Wife: "Can you pick up the dog poop before it gets dark?"
>
> Me: Pause. "But the poop is already dark!"
>
> Wife: Pretends not to hear.
>
> Me: "heh heh heh"
I thought it was funny.
I'm pretty sure my Dad has pretended to do almost everything in this list. Or at least joked about it.
Why did no one trust the guy who pretended to be a crow?
Because he was a "caw'n man"!
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
My wife and I got into a heated argument where she told me I had to stop pretending to be a flamingo
So I had to put my foot down
Did you hear about the man who was cancelled for pretending to be an emu?
I like to pretend that I have Tourette Syndrome so I can cuss in public. Today I went wild on a crowded elevator.
Yeah. It was wrong on so many levels.
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
Whenever my sprinter friend runs a race, he leans over and pretends to vomit
So today I fell asleep on the toilet and my two sons love to pretend they are cowboys they saw I was asleep and they put something on my head
When I woke up I realized that there was a bounty on my head
My 4yo daughter was playing ice cream shop, pretending that little pieces of chalk were the ice cream flavors. She asked me what flavor I wanted
My girlfriend was up until 2am pretending to be absorbent cloth
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
Who works after they're fired?
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
How do directors know if an actor is acting or just pretending to act?
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
Sometimes I pretend to steal things
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
Me (calling out): Hey kid! Pretend to be a cat!
Asked my two year old son if he could pretend to be a horse
While making lunch today I was pretending to be on a cooking show
"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....
"Ok, that's a Wrap"
What do you call a person who pretends to be a college student?
My grandma used to pretend she was weaving rugs when she had to think. When she died, she passed the talent to my children.
It's a cherished air-loom in my family.
What does Pikachu say when he's pretending to be a ghost...?
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"
Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
My girlfriend said, “I’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”
I said, “But wait, I can change!”
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear...
She asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
My wife told me I had to stop pretending to be butter.
But I can't stop now! I'm on a roll!
My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
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