My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
My wife and I got into a heated argument where she told me I had to stop pretending to be a flamingo
So I had to put my foot down
Did you hear about the man who was cancelled for pretending to be an emu?
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
My 4yo daughter was playing ice cream shop, pretending that little pieces of chalk were the ice cream flavors. She asked me what flavor I wanted
My girlfriend was up until 2am pretending to be absorbent cloth
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
How do directors know if an actor is acting or just pretending to act?
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
While making lunch today I was pretending to be on a cooking show
"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....
"Ok, that's a Wrap"
What does Pikachu say when he's pretending to be a ghost...?
A woman is addicted to pretending to be a nun.
She just can't lose the habit.
When my friend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo I had to put my foot down
All my life, I have been pretending to be smart by claiming that I’m in academia.
I can’t even point Academia on a map.
What do you give a guy with a cold that is pretending to be a government agent?
If you're pretending to be Swedish don't use the name "Splenda". They'll know you are an artificial Sweden-er
My son, Stuart, jumped into a ditch while pretending to be a fighter jet today.
I’m sick of my wife telling me to stop pretending to be a flamingo...
It’s time to put my foot down
What do you call a mushroom pretending to be something else?
I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
It was a slow day at work and my boss asked me why I was pretending to clean the counters
I told him I was being counterproductive
I was on the table with my son pretending to be shooting guns around our living room.
My wife came storming in angrily, looked at us and shouted, 'Get down!'
I said, 'Follow the commander's orders, son. There might be an ambush.'
My daughter and I were having a pretend tea party, but she threw me out because I kept pretending to be a Transformer...
I pleaded with her to stay by saying, "No, wait! I can change!"
My Dad kept pretending to throw his eyeglasses at me.
I said 'Why do you keep pretending to throw those at me?'.
He said 'You're right, I am just making a Spectacle of myself'.
Internally I was laughing but I couldn't let him know he got to me...
Someone was arrested outside my house today pretending to sell steaks to get into people's houses.
When I told my dad he said "Must have been a steak out"
My father pretending he couldn't hear someone...
Dad: Sorry, but I can't hear you. Ive got some fruit and cream in this ear and some cake and custard in this one.
Confused Child: What?!?
Dad: Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm a trifle deaf today.
My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"
Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.
My girlfriend said, “I’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”
I said, “But wait, I can change!”
My wife told me I had to stop pretending to be butter.
But I can't stop now! I'm on a roll!
My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
Learning to be a bartender is pretending.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
My kids keep telling me to stop pretending to be butter...
My wife keeps saying "Stop pretending to be butter!"
If you're pretending to be Swedish don't use the name "Splenda". They'll know you are an artificial Sweden-er.
my boyfriend told to stop pretending to be a flamingo
that’s when i had to put my foot down
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter
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