Poke At Puns

I measure your patience.

“You wanna take this outside?”

Tap water

r/jokes thought that this joke belongs here

Poké-mon

I call it SoCal commentary.

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Mom: I know I'm tired, but I got to get those extra hours whenever I can. My checks are getting smaller and smaller.
Dad: No, the checks are always the same size.

One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions. Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers? So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen. I would go half blind. If i poke you right eye what would happen. I would go fully blind. Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in. As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind. Thanks mate and goes to see the boss. Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen. I would go half blind. Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen. I would go fully blind. The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out. He said thats obvious.

My cap would fall over my eyes!!

Told this one to my daughter a while back.

She said 2. I said "Nope, you have 4"

Then proceeded to poke her in each side "one kidney, two kidney" and pointed at her knees. "3 kid knee, four kid knee"

but he’s still poking fun at me.

My brother just got a girlfriend. I need a good dad joke to poke fun at him

She always looked at me weird when I started to poke her.

Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, “Sally who is the creator of life?” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, “GOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, “Very good Sally.” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, “Sally who is our savior?” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher responds, “Very good.” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, “Sally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child?.” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up. She jumps up and yells, “I SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat!”

We are trying to get up a little earlier so our mornings aren't so stressed. My son was not waking up no matter how many times I poked and tugged at him.

I said "Come on son time to get up." He kind of stirred, I continued, "Remember we said we were going to start waking up a little earlier so we are not "rushin" in the morning?"

He rolled over and said "Nyet!" then went back to sleep.

** thanks for the up votes! Edited out the "g" from rushing, and added bold and italics to make it easier!

When I was 6-7, my dad would touch his thumb and index finger together in a circle and ask "can you poke your head through this hole?" I would honestly try to figure out a way to fit my head through the circle, or, at least how he managed to do it.

When I gave up, he'd put the circle up to his forehead and poke himself with his other hand's index finger.

I woke up early for work,and was getting dressed while my girlfriend lazily poked at her phone. I was laying out my clothes, saying as I go: "undershirt ... work shirt ... underwear ... jeans ... French bovine ... can't wear shoes without the French bovine ..."

I noticed my girlfriend was staring at me, bewildered, but also wearing her "what sort of stupid thing are you saying now?"

I asked what was the matter, and she inquired what a French bovine is.

I said, you shouldn't wear shoes without ...

A Paris ox.

edited: stupid mistakes. It makes better sense now.

We were laying down and she poked at my belly button. The following conversation ensued.

Her: "Do you know anyone that has an outie?"

Me: "Nope! Do you?"

Her: "Yeah, my mom drives one."

Needless to say she gets me way more than I do to her.

I went to an old friends place to catch up and his 6 year old son was running around, doing usual 6 year old kid things, when he suddenly stubbed his toe on the door frame.

He looks at me and says, "somebody call the Toe Truck!"

But I got him back after he said, "this is the armpit joke" and poked me in the armpit. I said "is it called the armpit joke because it stinks?"

Hah! Gotem!

I had a quintessential moment that I never thought would come...

My family and I were at church, and my son comes over and pokes at me to get my attention. I lean in close, and he says "I'm hungry."

My response? "Hello Hungry. I'm Dad, how are you?"

Needless to say, there were some folks who were unimpressed with us trying to stifle our laughter...or my pride that he thought it was funny. Got to start 'em young!

I work for an organisation which has a very institutionalised system whereby the newest hires are the shit kickers and the people who have been there longest have it easiest. I knew it when I signed up and now I've done my time and moved up the totem pole a bit. I was lucky enough to be one of 10 people hired at the same time in this hiring period and so the shit was spread out a bit.

We have a small fleet of cars that need to be washed every Sunday. This is the newest hire's responsibility. About 2-3 months into the job I was washing the cars with a few of my other new colleagues. Our supervisor pokes his head out of the building and barks at us "Make sure you do a good job; don't forget to do the wheels!"

"Don't worry boss," I replied, "I'll do a wheelie good job!"

Have you ever heard a chorus of groans? I have.

At my parents house for a family gathering.

My mom: (to my fiancé) You smell great! What are you wearing?

Fiancé: oh it's Light Blue D&G, michigandolphin got it for me at christmas. I've been wearing it ever since.

My dad: (pokes his head around the corner) Don't you think it's about time to wash it off?

So me and my girl are enjoying hillside picnic. I begin to poke at her freckles. She asks "If i didnt have freckles would you still love me?" I respond jokingly "No". She sits up quickly and says "I'm leaving!" then proceeds to crawl to my side, transforming me into the little spoon. I ask "I thought you left?", she replies "I am Left". All hell breaks loose.

After my appointment, I was walking back to my car when I heard some of the patients on the other side of the fence chanting, "Thirteen...Thirteen..."

I spotted a knothole in the fence, so I bent over to take a look at what was going on.

No sooner had I put my eye up to the knothole when one of them poked me in the eye!

I staggered back, cursing and rubbing my eye, when I heard them chanting, "Fourteen...Fourteen..."

So my friend was burning off yard trash (controlled burn...put away your pitchforks reddit) from the lot he recently had cleared during the day. I show up at his place in the evening and we go outside to see how much debris was left. He pokes some of it with a stick and hears a hard glass sound and says, "What the heck is that?!" I lean down to look at it and reply, "I think it's petrified wood....but I have no idea what scared it." He rolled his eyes, and his 16 year old daughter laughed her ass off.

I was in the store with my dad the other day when he pointed to a pregnant lady and said "someone's been poking fun at her." "why?"..pause.."ohmygod"

So I must start with stating that my friend is not a father (and does not want to ever be one). However that does not stop him from making dad type jokes. He is usually quick witted and this was the conversation that ensued.

Him - Telling my friend to fill in his tattoo space in comic sans writing. Overall just poking fun at how everyone hates that writing style.

Me - Stating "Well comic sans does have a point."

Him - replying "No comic sans doesn't have a point, it is round."

Edit - Thanks Diablo.