Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kindlegarten
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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Herbal essentials

Noted researcher Rosemary Fuller was involved in a lab accident today. She's working on the theory that herb-based formulas can actually reverse or accelerate the aging process. Parsley, for example, has been shown to cause rapid aging, and recent efforts have shown good results with oregano-based anti-aging serums. Ms Fuller was, unfortunately, standing near a vat of simmering oregano serum when a nearby researcher nudged her and she fell in! It appeared at first that the anti-aging serum would cause her to de-age down to nothing. Now, though, it looks like she'll be all right. The Parsley's aged Rosemary in time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berenaltorin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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A paradigm shift:

When two small coins get nudged

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say β€œget a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmarkie_mark
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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I'm pretty proud of this one

A female friend of mine was talking about her new haircut and complaining that her stylist cut it too short for her liking.

Without so much as thinking out popped "Don't worry it will grow on you"....Nudge nudge wink

She decided that she's done talking to me for the day.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oconnorda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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There was a draw for $2000 worth of free tires at the fair today

As I was filling out the entry form, I said to the girl: "If I win this, I can re-tire!"

She didn't even acknowledge the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 255
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scamperly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because their breasts are too big for B shells!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BANDG33K_2009
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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Just a tiny sample of my dad's awesome wit

Last week, my grandmother got minor surgery on her eye. When my dad saw her come out with the dressing over her eye he nudged me and said 'Look! Nana got an ipad!'.

He then went up to her and says,'How'd the surgery go Patsy? Or is it Patchy now?'.

I totally laughed my ass off!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flabberghastly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
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Overheard this wonderful conversation

An older man and older woman were walking past the art department at my school. They talked about art for a bit, then the woman nudged the man and said "I bet you have an artistic side."

He said "yeah, I can draw flies."

And he waits. They walk a few more paces. "I don't shower very often."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcedBanana
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2015
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Went to ihop with my dad

..and all the servers are dressed in little pieces of their Halloween costumes (kitty ears, face paint). But one employee was wearing the Blue IHOP apron and the blue and white striped shirt. [dad] nudges my sister with his elbow, "look, he's dressed as an IHOP employee".

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicodegallo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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Uni.

I was casually telling my dad how my friend had passed his course at Uni and was going on to complete his masters in Helsinki.

My dad gives me an elbow nudge and follows with "So I guess you could say, he's going to Finnish his course."

I'm going to be honest, I can't believe how hard I walked into that one.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fruzz92
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2014
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Got dad joked by my woman

Me:"Hey look, a great dane!" Her:"i mean, I guess it's ok" Me:(tongue in cheek)"No, the breed, it's great dane" Her:"Yeah, I mean it's all right *nudge *nudge... Haha, dadjokes "

She's gonna be a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stephcurrysmom
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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My dad sounds like a 300lb Borat. Brothers and I: "Dad, look at that girl, she's so hot!"

Dad: "WHAT YOU MEAN HOT? LIKE OUT OF OVEN?!?!"

Elbow nudges to each of us
Cue maniacal laughter HHUAHUAHUAHAUHAUHAUHUA

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeezWalnuts
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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We were sitting at a Georgia Bulldog Game..

It was half-time and it was time for the mascot, Uga, to get walked out into the center of the field before the band played. Everyone, as always, stood up and was really excited to see the dog help get the crowd pumped up for the second half.

Once the band started playing, the dog got settled down on the Georgia logo and started licking his ass like you've seen countless dogs do before.The man on the other side of my dad nudged him and joked, " Man, I wish I could do that."

My dad looked at him and exclaimed, "Are you kidding?! That dog will bite you!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/srswartzel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordMeme42
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday...

Apparently you're not supposed to nudge your co worker and say 'get a load of this guy' every time someone walks in.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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