These people buying up all the toilet paper can shove it up their ass.
  • My Dad at Costco
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ezwze
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
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Watching Napolean Dynamite with the wife and he shoves tater tots in his pocket for later.

Later tots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simplyeyc69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
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I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
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What's six inches long, has a bald head and every woman loves?

A hundred dollar bill.

This is my dad's favorite joke.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorModalus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21
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A joke with a Major Spoiler!
πŸ‘︎ 438
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stonebit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
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Dr Seuss was recently convicted for shoving a man on to a mountain of corn, and stomping him to death, then shooting him twice, all while wearing women’s clothes.

sadly this is the 3rd case this week of a pop pop crop-top crop top pop hop

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
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My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"

Me: "No it doesn't”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

β€œYou’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, β€œWell that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

πŸ‘︎ 846
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πŸ‘€︎ u/engineer_of_sorts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
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I got into bar fight and shoved a guy into a light switch on the wall.

He looked at me and said, β€œOH, ITS ON NOW!”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Cleaning mirrors is a job I see myself doing.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adragontype
πŸ“…︎ May 16
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Someone shoved a baguette up my donkey's butt

What a pain in the ass

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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My yacht passenger was rude to me when he gruffly asked "how will we embark upon our trip?"

So I told him to shove off.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
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If a doctor ever prescribed me an enema...

I’d tell him to shove it!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
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A magician fooled a crowd by making it look like be shoved bamboo up his nose

They were bamboozled

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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I almost had the record for the most peas shoved up my nose...

but I blew it.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hann1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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A little old lady at the ATM asked me to help check her balance.

All it took was one good shove to tell it was terrible.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
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So a pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel shoved down his pants

and the bartender asks "What's that ship's wheel doing down your pants?!"

The pirate replies: "Arr, I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cerealcomma
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2013
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Halloween joke for the kiddos

Q: What happens when you goose a ghost?

A: You get a handful of sheet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpthompson999
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Not a dad, and I hope this isn't a bad one!

Say, a certain age demographic has a fascination with pandas fighting in boxing rings. If a movie studio takes note of this and shoves an unrelated, random panda-in-a-boxing-ring scene in their movie, would it be seen as...

Pande-ring?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VZmatthews
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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What do you do with a space party?

You Planet.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__ToKeN_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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What did the old man do with the newspaper?

Reddit!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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Church School

Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, β€œSally who is the creator of life?” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, β€œGOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, β€œVery good Sally.” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, β€œSally who is our savior?” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, β€œJESUS CHRIST!” The teacher responds, β€œVery good.” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, β€œSally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child?.” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up. She jumps up and yells, β€œI SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NashYaBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Y'know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it's odd moments.

Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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So if you were about to kill someone, what kind of pun would you make?

So if you were to tie someone to a horse, then shove the horse off a cliff, what kind of pun would you say as the guy fell to his death?

This is for a story I'm working on, but I can think of is "Get off your high horse," "Have a nice ride," or "Air Horse One!" - and the last one would be anachronistic given the medieval setting. :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MimiTheFirst
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
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A pirate walks into a bar

He has the steering wheel of his ship shoved down the front of his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey, what's up with the steering wheel?"
The pirate replies "ARRRR, it's drivin' me nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Hitchhiker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
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After a year, I think I'm worthy.

My 11 month old son picks up a small rock from outside and puts it in his mouth. GF: what did he just shove in his mouth? Me : (as im pulling it out) don't worry, it's just the capital of Arkansas but I got it. GF: face palm

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calibudzz420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2015
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My singer got me with this groaner...

So after band practice, we have to shove everything back into my horribly shaped trunk (coupe). So my bassists amp is stuck, and singer is just watching us try to pull it out.

"Guess we really JAMMED it in there"

...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2016
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Joke from my friends dad

He's at an ATM. An old lady, not knowing how to use it asks him, "Can you help me check my balance?" He shoves her

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BACON_BATTLE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
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Looks like I'm ready for parenthood

I'm a part time clerk/grunt worker at my local supermarket. My shift consists of stacking up milk, butter, eggs, cream, anything that comes from an udder. So, to make my existence seem less monotonous, I'll often badger my coworkers with horrid puns. One day,one of them offered me these kind words of encouragement: "If you don't shut up, I'll shove my foot down your throat." My rebuttal: "Is that what people call sole food?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nunc-Est-Bibendum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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I am in labour right now.. And my dad says

Me- it's like somebody shoved a shoe up my fanny!! Friend- imagine if you gave birth to a shoe, I bet reddit would like to know! Dad- at least the baby would have a soul.

I laughed, it hurt but it was worth it!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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I'm leaving home next year...

Me: Are you looking forwards to shoving me onto the plane?? Dad: No. I'm looking forward to kicking you onto it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barontate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
🚨︎ report
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report

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