..it's a brand-new Rolex."
A hundred dollar bill.
This is my dad's favorite joke.
sadly this is the 3rd case this week of a pop pop crop-top crop top pop hop
Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"
Me: "No it doesn't”
The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.
“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”
The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”
He looked at me and said, “OH, ITS ON NOW!”
What a pain in the ass
So I told him to shove off.
I’d tell him to shove it!
They were bamboozled
but I blew it.
All it took was one good shove to tell it was terrible.
and the bartender asks "What's that ship's wheel doing down your pants?!"
The pirate replies: "Arr, I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Q: What happens when you goose a ghost?
A: You get a handful of sheet.
Say, a certain age demographic has a fascination with pandas fighting in boxing rings. If a movie studio takes note of this and shoves an unrelated, random panda-in-a-boxing-ring scene in their movie, would it be seen as...
Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, “Sally who is the creator of life?” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, “GOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, “Very good Sally.” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, “Sally who is our savior?” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher responds, “Very good.” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, “Sally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child?.” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up. She jumps up and yells, “I SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat!”
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.
Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"
Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"
Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up int... keep reading on reddit ➡
So if you were to tie someone to a horse, then shove the horse off a cliff, what kind of pun would you say as the guy fell to his death?
This is for a story I'm working on, but I can think of is "Get off your high horse," "Have a nice ride," or "Air Horse One!" - and the last one would be anachronistic given the medieval setting. :(
He has the steering wheel of his ship shoved down the front of his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey, what's up with the steering wheel?"
The pirate replies "ARRRR, it's drivin' me nuts."
My 11 month old son picks up a small rock from outside and puts it in his mouth. GF: what did he just shove in his mouth? Me : (as im pulling it out) don't worry, it's just the capital of Arkansas but I got it. GF: face palm
So after band practice, we have to shove everything back into my horribly shaped trunk (coupe). So my bassists amp is stuck, and singer is just watching us try to pull it out.
"Guess we really JAMMED it in there"
He's at an ATM. An old lady, not knowing how to use it asks him, "Can you help me check my balance?" He shoves her
I'm a part time clerk/grunt worker at my local supermarket. My shift consists of stacking up milk, butter, eggs, cream, anything that comes from an udder. So, to make my existence seem less monotonous, I'll often badger my coworkers with horrid puns. One day,one of them offered me these kind words of encouragement: "If you don't shut up, I'll shove my foot down your throat." My rebuttal: "Is that what people call sole food?"
Me- it's like somebody shoved a shoe up my fanny!! Friend- imagine if you gave birth to a shoe, I bet reddit would like to know! Dad- at least the baby would have a soul.
I laughed, it hurt but it was worth it!
Me: Are you looking forwards to shoving me onto the plane?? Dad: No. I'm looking forward to kicking you onto it.