What happens in the poke center stays in the pokecenter
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fawaffle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
So bad I wanna poke mon eyes out
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vairvt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Poke him on.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andreus187
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Every garbage day, my dad points at the bin, pokes me on the chest and yells,..

β€œYou wanna take this outside?”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?

Tap water

r/jokes thought that this joke belongs here

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agg304
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could poke an eye....

Or, worse yet, get kilt.

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ragnyrok
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dude who likes to poke people?

A Pokèman

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schwanz_Hintern64
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do eyelashes poke you in the eye?

Because they're lashing out!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanosaurus03
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Jamaican man working at a poke salad bar?

PokΓ©-mon

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imakemoopoints
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A lot of the material in my act pokes fun at the life style of people who live in los-angeles.

I call it SoCal commentary.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OgreMonk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I do not play cards a lot but I would still like to poke-her
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjsu222
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
🚨︎ report
I thought you guys might like this. I complete list of "Poke her? I barely know her!" style puns I made arthur-johnston.com/stati…
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johannesOverdose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2011
🚨︎ report
Come home after sitting my exam and see my dad poke his head out from the kitchen.

"So how did your maths exam go? Did it all add up?"

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReleaseTehKraken
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend tells me I poke her too much.

Me: "I guess I'm a Pokemon then!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wobzter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
🚨︎ report
I accidentally poked myself in the eye moments ago.

I did not see that one coming.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day...

I stopped seeing her for a while.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matty_B97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

...so I stopped seeing her for a little while.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatWhiteSnark82
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get a pikachu on a bus

Poke em on

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
Every one is talking about glory holes

So i decided to look into one

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onion-volcano
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
You hear about Japan's new Hawaiian/Jamaican fusion food craze?

Poke Mon

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManosVanBoom
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?

Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leapbaby1984
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
Bedtime joke

As I’m walking down the hall I notice that my girls have their light on and they should be in bed already. I poke my head in and ask why their light is on. They replied that they’re looking for something. I turned off the light and responded that they should be looking for the back of their eyelids!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dithia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to cut down a tree

I asked her why and she says the tree always pokes her when she wants some alone time outside.

I told her the tree doesn't want to leaf her alone.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/General_Moy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theKidWithCam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarl_draven
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a PokΓ©mon with a speech impediment?

A Heliolisp

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bean_boi_2400
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
Saw a sexy woman poking a man who was drinking in his eyes.

I guess beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiradzim
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought of a great joke about the Ozone layer yesterday.

[depleted]

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
I just poked myself in the eye.

I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I angered the Scottish guy by making fun of his skirt...

He nearly kilt me. I poked him in the aye in defense.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingJiggaMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A patient was in a hospital with a carrot poking out of his nose, and brocolli sticking out of his ear.

The doctor took one look and said, "Well, I can tell that you're not eating right."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElexCube
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
A momma mole, pappa mole and baby mole were sitting in their mole hole.

The dad suddenly sits up, sniffs the air and runs to the narrow opening.

"Somebody is baking! I smell nutmeg!"

The mother runs over and wedges herself in the remaining opening.

"Ooh! I smell vanilla and cinnamon!"

The baby poked and prodded but couldn't get past his mom and dad to smell the outside air.

"Oh man! All I smell is mole asses!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
My straw poked me in the eye while taking a drink

I threw it away got another and called it The Straw Shank Redemption.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/expert2020
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep the other night.

She almost poked my eye out.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daveorruk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How many kidneys ya got?

Told this one to my daughter a while back.

She said 2. I said "Nope, you have 4"

Then proceeded to poke her in each side "one kidney, two kidney" and pointed at her knees. "3 kid knee, four kid knee"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
I'm proud of this business near my work
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My mute wife keeps talking in her sleep.

Damn near poked my eye out last night!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
Wife was complaining that she needed a new bra, the underwire was poking through.

Wife: "I hate these underwires. I think I want to get a wire-less one next"

Me: "I can stop by Radioshack on my way home to pick you up one"

Wife: "What?"

Me: "Well I'm sure Victorias Secret doesn't carry WiFi bras."

Wife: Heavy sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/killboy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2015
🚨︎ report
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethan_Hood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Poking fun at my mom's paychecks

Mom: I know I'm tired, but I got to get those extra hours whenever I can. My checks are getting smaller and smaller.
Dad: No, the checks are always the same size.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slugzz21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
🚨︎ report
How do you get pikachu on a bus?

>!Poke-him-on!<

I laughed, but my mum didn't.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nckle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a porcupine

A slow poke

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad just randomly poked his head in the door and hit me with this one

"Hey, how 'bout that Japanese-Jewish girl, Sosumi?"

My dad is Jewish, btw.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/julezasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
It's quite easy playing Poker against homosexuals

They can never keep a straight face

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leo3816
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get 1000 pikachus on a bus

You poke em on

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadbabykiller01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I stubbed my toe and yelled MOTHERFUCKER! in response

My dad poked his head in and said: Β¨You rang?Β¨

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants

but he’s still poking fun at me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
About my brother

My brother just got a girlfriend. I need a good dad joke to poke fun at him

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seanbug2006
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Poke her face.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emmyface23
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You P-P-P-P-Poke her face.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TransposingJons
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to ask my wife if she wanted to play poker..

She always looked at me weird when I started to poke her.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atmouspheric
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
How do u get pikachu on a bus?

You poke-him-on

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WowCreativeName
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Church School

Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, β€œSally who is the creator of life?” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, β€œGOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, β€œVery good Sally.” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, β€œSally who is our savior?” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, β€œJESUS CHRIST!” The teacher responds, β€œVery good.” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, β€œSally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child?.” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up. She jumps up and yells, β€œI SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NashYaBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get pikachu on a bus?

You poke him on.

(Has this been done before? I’m new here)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkeffffZ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What card game touches your feelings the most?

Poke-r.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Hear about the Lady Gaga impersonator getting arrested for assault?

She was doing Poke-her Face.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A mole family is leaving its burrow for the day...

Dada Mole pokes his nose out of the mole hole, sniffs the air, and licks his lips. β€œMmm, someone nearby is baking.” he says. β€œI smell butter.”

Mama Mole comes up next and sniffs the air. Her eyes light up. "Yes, someone is baking,” she says. β€œI smell sugar!”

Brother Mole is next. β€œMmm, maybe some chocolate!” he exclaims as he does a little dance.

Little Baby Mole is last. He sniffs the air, gags and nearly chokes as he says β€œAll I smell is molasses.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSS24
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Not sure if this qualifies. . .

My dad says Pika just before he sneezes every... single... time...

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisman17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
🚨︎ report
How do you get a bunch of pikachus onto a bus?

Poke 'em on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if Lady Gaga is dead?

You gotta poke her face. Po-po-po-pokerface.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_izelle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Trying to wake my son up a little early...

We are trying to get up a little earlier so our mornings aren't so stressed. My son was not waking up no matter how many times I poked and tugged at him.

I said "Come on son time to get up." He kind of stirred, I continued, "Remember we said we were going to start waking up a little earlier so we are not "rushin" in the morning?"

He rolled over and said "Nyet!" then went back to sleep.

** thanks for the up votes! Edited out the "g" from rushing, and added bold and italics to make it easier!

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigertunderboom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Haven't seen this one here yet...

When I was 6-7, my dad would touch his thumb and index finger together in a circle and ask "can you poke your head through this hole?" I would honestly try to figure out a way to fit my head through the circle, or, at least how he managed to do it.

When I gave up, he'd put the circle up to his forehead and poke himself with his other hand's index finger.

πŸ‘︎ 217
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozenminutes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Everytime
πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gr3g1n4t0r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
🚨︎ report
We're having some tree surgeons take town some trees at our new house...

I asked my dad "When are the tree fellers coming?"

He replied "Monday, but I'm not sure if it'll be tree fellers, there might be four."

He said it with a stone-cold serious tone, whilst poking around on his ipad. The best sort of delivery for that sort of joke.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lympwing2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Too early for this ...

I woke up early for work,and was getting dressed while my girlfriend lazily poked at her phone. I was laying out my clothes, saying as I go: "undershirt ... work shirt ... underwear ... jeans ... French bovine ... can't wear shoes without the French bovine ..."

I noticed my girlfriend was staring at me, bewildered, but also wearing her "what sort of stupid thing are you saying now?"

I asked what was the matter, and she inquired what a French bovine is.

I said, you shouldn't wear shoes without ...

A Paris ox.

edited: stupid mistakes. It makes better sense now.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NobodyWhatsoever
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend got me last night.

We were laying down and she poked at my belly button. The following conversation ensued.

Her: "Do you know anyone that has an outie?"

Me: "Nope! Do you?"

Her: "Yeah, my mom drives one."

Needless to say she gets me way more than I do to her.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thezanthex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2015
🚨︎ report
How do you make a venetian blind?

Poke 'em in the eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patrickleddin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
🚨︎ report
My last name is Webb.

Walking through our call center, when a manager pokes her head out of her office to speak to her team and I was right in front of her. Their entire section is covered in spider web decorations for Halloween.

> Her: Oh man guys, this is getting ridiculous. I can barely see you through all these webs.

> Me: Oh, sorry my bad. I'll move.

She will get it later, I'm sure of it.

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theintention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
🚨︎ report
A play on words

Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals

     I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife. 

I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.

Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?

Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.

Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.

Rus: Hamburgers?

Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.

Rus: Ok.

Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.

Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.

Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad is helping me move into my new place. I mention putting up nicer Venetian blinds...

"You know how to make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes!"

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vrady
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report
On puppies as presents. I laughed so hard I almost couldn't finish the joke

I jokingly told my wife and 5 year old daughter that I was hiding a puppy in a box until Christmas.

Daughter: I hope you poked holes in it so it can breathe!

Me: puppies can breathe out of their nose and mouth why would I poke holes in it!?

I thought it was funny..

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucky5150
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
🚨︎ report
I was Dad joked by a 6 year old a couple days ago.

I went to an old friends place to catch up and his 6 year old son was running around, doing usual 6 year old kid things, when he suddenly stubbed his toe on the door frame.

He looks at me and says, "somebody call the Toe Truck!"

But I got him back after he said, "this is the armpit joke" and poked me in the armpit. I said "is it called the armpit joke because it stinks?"

Hah! Gotem!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMe_Dig_Baddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Husband got me yesterday

Sometimes we let our kids use our phones to play Pokemon Go. My 7-year-old was sitting between us, holding my phone, and he wanted to show me something he'd done so he started poking me in the shoulder.

I turned to him and said "Please stop that."

My husband replied, "He just wants to play Poke-mom."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superflippy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
🚨︎ report
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Pa-pa-pa pa-pa-pa-pa pa-poke her face.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fancynerd49
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Man dad-joked newspaper

Source - Pic Abridged version:

A man who dubbed himself Britain's biggest idiot after losing his wife after tattooing a comedy penis on his own leg is hoping to win back her heart by having it lasered off.

Hapless Stuart, 34, of Southsea, Hants, inked the six-and-a-half inch member on his left thigh, so the end pokes out of his boxer shorts.

"After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg.

"It caused no end of rows, and she's now kicked me out of home. I deserve it, I suppose."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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I got my wife while baking a cake last night

She was using a funnel to make holes in the cake for a "poke" cake.

Wife: The funnel is filling up with cake

Me: I guess that makes it a funnel cake then

The sound of disappointment she made was all the approval I'll ever need.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrpn17w
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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Calvin's Father is my role model

I totally believe in parenting similar to Calvin's father. As such, when my 6 year old son came to me and asked me why his index finger was shorter than his middle, I rationally explained to him that it had to be shorter because he'd poke his brain when he picked his nose.

It's been 3 weeks and he still believes me. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidTigerFan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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I Had A Chance To Make THE Dad Joke (x/post from r/WeHaveConcerns)

I had a quintessential moment that I never thought would come...

My family and I were at church, and my son comes over and pokes at me to get my attention. I lean in close, and he says "I'm hungry."

My response? "Hello Hungry. I'm Dad, how are you?"

Needless to say, there were some folks who were unimpressed with us trying to stifle our laughter...or my pride that he thought it was funny. Got to start 'em young!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeekmasterPrime
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
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You've got some food on your face...
Dad: "I'm saving it for Ron."
Me:  *raises eyebrows*
Dad: "LateR on"

He's been telling this one since before I can remember. Always pokes me in the ribs and laughs a weird ho ho ho sort of laugh afterwards..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allergeez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
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My dad told me this story...

Not really sure if it qualifies as a 'dad joke', but I laughed my arse off. He was telling me about a joke he played on my mum when they were younger, before I was born.

We're from Australia, and there's a lot of places out woopwoop that are just empty. Him and mum were driving in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville, and they came up to a train crossing. Only thing is, because of where it was, there weren't any boom gates; it was just the track cutting through the middle of the road. On each side of the road was really high grass, so he actually had to poke the car out a bit so it was on the tracks to be able to see on either side. So he pulls the car out (in Australia, the driver is on the right side of the car instead of the left), and he looks to his right. No train coming. He looks to his left, and mum also looks left. Dad sticks his hand out the window, screams NO!!! and slams his hand on the side of the door really hard. It scared the shit out of mum so much that she actu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnholyDemigod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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Got my workmates a while ago. Still chuckle about it to myself occasionally

I work for an organisation which has a very institutionalised system whereby the newest hires are the shit kickers and the people who have been there longest have it easiest. I knew it when I signed up and now I've done my time and moved up the totem pole a bit. I was lucky enough to be one of 10 people hired at the same time in this hiring period and so the shit was spread out a bit.

We have a small fleet of cars that need to be washed every Sunday. This is the newest hire's responsibility. About 2-3 months into the job I was washing the cars with a few of my other new colleagues. Our supervisor pokes his head out of the building and barks at us "Make sure you do a good job; don't forget to do the wheels!"

"Don't worry boss," I replied, "I'll do a wheelie good job!"

Have you ever heard a chorus of groans? I have.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_saladfingers_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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I tried that tape measure joke.

I had my parents over. We were in my basement putting in new appliances. Inspired by this sub's all-time top post, I grabbed my dad's tape measure and started poking him with it.

"Did you actually need that for anything?"

"No, I'm just trying to measure your patience."

"My patience? I'm not even a doctor."

Learned my lesson.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/broshot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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My girlfriend is ready

After a great night, we were cuddling when she grabbed my keys off the table, poked me in the chest with them, and asked 'does this turn you on?'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahifuck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2015
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