“You wanna take this outside?”
r/jokes thought that this joke belongs here
Or, worse yet, get kilt.
Because they're lashing out!
I call it SoCal commentary.
"So how did your maths exam go? Did it all add up?"
Me: "I guess I'm a Pokemon then!"
I did not see that one coming.
I stopped seeing her for a while.
...so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
So i decided to look into one
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
As I’m walking down the hall I notice that my girls have their light on and they should be in bed already. I poke my head in and ask why their light is on. They replied that they’re looking for something. I turned off the light and responded that they should be looking for the back of their eyelids!
I asked her why and she says the tree always pokes her when she wants some alone time outside.
I told her the tree doesn't want to leaf her alone.
I guess beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
He nearly kilt me. I poked him in the aye in defense.
Damn near poked my eye out.
The doctor took one look and said, "Well, I can tell that you're not eating right."
The dad suddenly sits up, sniffs the air and runs to the narrow opening.
"Somebody is baking! I smell nutmeg!"
The mother runs over and wedges herself in the remaining opening.
"Ooh! I smell vanilla and cinnamon!"
The baby poked and prodded but couldn't get past his mom and dad to smell the outside air.
"Oh man! All I smell is mole asses!"
I threw it away got another and called it The Straw Shank Redemption.
She almost poked my eye out.
Told this one to my daughter a while back.
She said 2. I said "Nope, you have 4"
Then proceeded to poke her in each side "one kidney, two kidney" and pointed at her knees. "3 kid knee, four kid knee"
Damn near poked my eye out last night!
Wife: "I hate these underwires. I think I want to get a wire-less one next"
Me: "I can stop by Radioshack on my way home to pick you up one"
Me: "Well I'm sure Victorias Secret doesn't carry WiFi bras."
Wife: Heavy sigh.
You boil the hell out of it
Mom: I know I'm tired, but I got to get those extra hours whenever I can. My checks are getting smaller and smaller.
Dad: No, the checks are always the same size.
I laughed, but my mum didn't.
A slow poke
"Hey, how 'bout that Japanese-Jewish girl, Sosumi?"
My dad is Jewish, btw.
They can never keep a straight face
You poke em on
My dad poked his head in and said: ¨You rang?¨
but he’s still poking fun at me.
My brother just got a girlfriend. I need a good dad joke to poke fun at him
You P-P-P-P-Poke her face.
She always looked at me weird when I started to poke her.
Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, “Sally who is the creator of life?” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, “GOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, “Very good Sally.” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, “Sally who is our savior?” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher responds, “Very good.” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, “Sally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child?.” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up. She jumps up and yells, “I SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat!”
You poke him on.
(Has this been done before? I’m new here)
She was doing Poke-her Face.
Dada Mole pokes his nose out of the mole hole, sniffs the air, and licks his lips. “Mmm, someone nearby is baking.” he says. “I smell butter.”
Mama Mole comes up next and sniffs the air. Her eyes light up. "Yes, someone is baking,” she says. “I smell sugar!”
Brother Mole is next. “Mmm, maybe some chocolate!” he exclaims as he does a little dance.
Little Baby Mole is last. He sniffs the air, gags and nearly chokes as he says “All I smell is molasses.”
My dad says Pika just before he sneezes every... single... time...
You gotta poke her face. Po-po-po-pokerface.
We are trying to get up a little earlier so our mornings aren't so stressed. My son was not waking up no matter how many times I poked and tugged at him.
I said "Come on son time to get up." He kind of stirred, I continued, "Remember we said we were going to start waking up a little earlier so we are not "rushin" in the morning?"
He rolled over and said "Nyet!" then went back to sleep.
** thanks for the up votes! Edited out the "g" from rushing, and added bold and italics to make it easier!
When I was 6-7, my dad would touch his thumb and index finger together in a circle and ask "can you poke your head through this hole?" I would honestly try to figure out a way to fit my head through the circle, or, at least how he managed to do it.
When I gave up, he'd put the circle up to his forehead and poke himself with his other hand's index finger.
I asked my dad "When are the tree fellers coming?"
He replied "Monday, but I'm not sure if it'll be tree fellers, there might be four."
He said it with a stone-cold serious tone, whilst poking around on his ipad. The best sort of delivery for that sort of joke.
I woke up early for work,and was getting dressed while my girlfriend lazily poked at her phone. I was laying out my clothes, saying as I go: "undershirt ... work shirt ... underwear ... jeans ... French bovine ... can't wear shoes without the French bovine ..."
I noticed my girlfriend was staring at me, bewildered, but also wearing her "what sort of stupid thing are you saying now?"
I asked what was the matter, and she inquired what a French bovine is.
I said, you shouldn't wear shoes without ...
A Paris ox.
edited: stupid mistakes. It makes better sense now.
We were laying down and she poked at my belly button. The following conversation ensued.
Her: "Do you know anyone that has an outie?"
Me: "Nope! Do you?"
Her: "Yeah, my mom drives one."
Needless to say she gets me way more than I do to her.
Poke 'em in the eyes.
Walking through our call center, when a manager pokes her head out of her office to speak to her team and I was right in front of her. Their entire section is covered in spider web decorations for Halloween.
> Her: Oh man guys, this is getting ridiculous. I can barely see you through all these webs.
> Me: Oh, sorry my bad. I'll move.
She will get it later, I'm sure of it.
Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals
I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife.
I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.
Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?
Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.
Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.
Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.
Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.
Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.
Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the... keep reading on reddit ➡
"You know how to make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes!"
I jokingly told my wife and 5 year old daughter that I was hiding a puppy in a box until Christmas.
Daughter: I hope you poked holes in it so it can breathe!
Me: puppies can breathe out of their nose and mouth why would I poke holes in it!?
I thought it was funny..
I went to an old friends place to catch up and his 6 year old son was running around, doing usual 6 year old kid things, when he suddenly stubbed his toe on the door frame.
He looks at me and says, "somebody call the Toe Truck!"
But I got him back after he said, "this is the armpit joke" and poked me in the armpit. I said "is it called the armpit joke because it stinks?"
Sometimes we let our kids use our phones to play Pokemon Go. My 7-year-old was sitting between us, holding my phone, and he wanted to show me something he'd done so he started poking me in the shoulder.
I turned to him and said "Please stop that."
My husband replied, "He just wants to play Poke-mom."
Pa-pa-pa pa-pa-pa-pa pa-poke her face.
A man who dubbed himself Britain's biggest idiot after losing his wife after tattooing a comedy penis on his own leg is hoping to win back her heart by having it lasered off.
Hapless Stuart, 34, of Southsea, Hants, inked the six-and-a-half inch member on his left thigh, so the end pokes out of his boxer shorts.
"After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg.
"It caused no end of rows, and she's now kicked me out of home. I deserve it, I suppose."
She was using a funnel to make holes in the cake for a "poke" cake.
Wife: The funnel is filling up with cake
Me: I guess that makes it a funnel cake then
The sound of disappointment she made was all the approval I'll ever need.
I totally believe in parenting similar to Calvin's father. As such, when my 6 year old son came to me and asked me why his index finger was shorter than his middle, I rationally explained to him that it had to be shorter because he'd poke his brain when he picked his nose.
It's been 3 weeks and he still believes me. :D
I had a quintessential moment that I never thought would come...
My family and I were at church, and my son comes over and pokes at me to get my attention. I lean in close, and he says "I'm hungry."
My response? "Hello Hungry. I'm Dad, how are you?"
Needless to say, there were some folks who were unimpressed with us trying to stifle our laughter...or my pride that he thought it was funny. Got to start 'em young!
Dad: "I'm saving it for Ron." Me: *raises eyebrows* Dad: "LateR on"
He's been telling this one since before I can remember. Always pokes me in the ribs and laughs a weird ho ho ho sort of laugh afterwards..
Not really sure if it qualifies as a 'dad joke', but I laughed my arse off. He was telling me about a joke he played on my mum when they were younger, before I was born.
We're from Australia, and there's a lot of places out woopwoop that are just empty. Him and mum were driving in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville, and they came up to a train crossing. Only thing is, because of where it was, there weren't any boom gates; it was just the track cutting through the middle of the road. On each side of the road was really high grass, so he actually had to poke the car out a bit so it was on the tracks to be able to see on either side. So he pulls the car out (in Australia, the driver is on the right side of the car instead of the left), and he looks to his right. No train coming. He looks to his left, and mum also looks left. Dad sticks his hand out the window, screams NO!!! and slams his hand on the side of the door really hard. It scared the shit out of mum so much that she actu... keep reading on reddit ➡
I work for an organisation which has a very institutionalised system whereby the newest hires are the shit kickers and the people who have been there longest have it easiest. I knew it when I signed up and now I've done my time and moved up the totem pole a bit. I was lucky enough to be one of 10 people hired at the same time in this hiring period and so the shit was spread out a bit.
We have a small fleet of cars that need to be washed every Sunday. This is the newest hire's responsibility. About 2-3 months into the job I was washing the cars with a few of my other new colleagues. Our supervisor pokes his head out of the building and barks at us "Make sure you do a good job; don't forget to do the wheels!"
"Don't worry boss," I replied, "I'll do a wheelie good job!"
Have you ever heard a chorus of groans? I have.
I had my parents over. We were in my basement putting in new appliances. Inspired by this sub's all-time top post, I grabbed my dad's tape measure and started poking him with it.
"Did you actually need that for anything?"
"No, I'm just trying to measure your patience."
"My patience? I'm not even a doctor."
Learned my lesson.