These people buying up all the toilet paper can shove it up their ass.
  • My Dad at Costco
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ezwze
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"

Me: "No it doesn't”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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A magician fooled a crowd by making it look like be shoved bamboo up his nose

They were bamboozled

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

β€œYou’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, β€œWell that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engineer_of_sorts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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A constipated man goes to visit his doctor.

"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.

Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"

The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"



I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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If a doctor ever prescribed me an enema...

I’d tell him to shove it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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A little old lady at the ATM asked me to help check her balance.

All it took was one good shove to tell it was terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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Not a dad, and I hope this isn't a bad one!

Say, a certain age demographic has a fascination with pandas fighting in boxing rings. If a movie studio takes note of this and shoves an unrelated, random panda-in-a-boxing-ring scene in their movie, would it be seen as...

Pande-ring?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VZmatthews
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Church School

Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, β€œSally who is the creator of life?” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, β€œGOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, β€œVery good Sally.” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, β€œSally who is our savior?” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, β€œJESUS CHRIST!” The teacher responds, β€œVery good.” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, β€œSally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child?.” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up. She jumps up and yells, β€œI SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NashYaBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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A pirate walks into a bar

He has the steering wheel of his ship shoved down the front of his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey, what's up with the steering wheel?"
The pirate replies "ARRRR, it's drivin' me nuts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Hitchhiker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
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After a year, I think I'm worthy.

My 11 month old son picks up a small rock from outside and puts it in his mouth. GF: what did he just shove in his mouth? Me : (as im pulling it out) don't worry, it's just the capital of Arkansas but I got it. GF: face palm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/calibudzz420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2015
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My singer got me with this groaner...

So after band practice, we have to shove everything back into my horribly shaped trunk (coupe). So my bassists amp is stuck, and singer is just watching us try to pull it out.

"Guess we really JAMMED it in there"

...

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2016
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Joke from my friends dad

He's at an ATM. An old lady, not knowing how to use it asks him, "Can you help me check my balance?" He shoves her

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BACON_BATTLE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
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I am in labour right now.. And my dad says

Me- it's like somebody shoved a shoe up my fanny!! Friend- imagine if you gave birth to a shoe, I bet reddit would like to know! Dad- at least the baby would have a soul.

I laughed, it hurt but it was worth it!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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I'm leaving home next year...

Me: Are you looking forwards to shoving me onto the plane?? Dad: No. I'm looking forward to kicking you onto it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barontate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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