Pets, puns and dictators

Help wanted from r/puns!

I am planning to make my girlfriend a picture calendar for 2015 of some dog/ cat based puns of famous dictators. I'm running short of ideas, and so am turning to Reddit, given their penchant for all things pets and puns.

My ideas so far:

Adolf Kitler

Chairman miaow

Kitty Amin

Ho chi(huahua) Min

Robert Pugabi

Colonel Catdafi

Saddam Hussaint Bernard

Benito Pussolini

Fidel Catstro

I'm looking to Reddit's collective pun power to generate some more ideas. Help me punslingers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddallthat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

Me- β€œYou gave me one too many”

Shopkeeper- β€œthat one is a freebie”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadynasty94
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. β€œThat’s one too many!” says the customer.

The clerk replies β€œIt’s a freebie”

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
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A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.

I think that's a bit far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
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I walked into the pet store and I spoke to the guy at the counter.

"I'm looking for an inexpensive pet and I heard your birds are going cheep"

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 10
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In my downtime, I've taken to making sleepwear for my pets.

They are the cat's pajamas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adjaru182
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
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I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park....

Now I'm feeling a little down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arege_arege
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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How do you call a pet in a car?

A carpet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robi_NRM
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
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My pet aquatic mammal died today

Now my life has no porpoise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alanmies
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
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What kind of pet likes hiking and democratic socialism?

Bernie’s mountain dog!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strictlybalrogs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
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My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
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My pet crow is awful at poker...

All he does is caw.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simounstar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
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Help give my pet rabbit a job title

Chief of Hoperations? Director of fuzz? Give me your best, most official sounding titles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jstew96
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
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My uncle's wife started a pet store that specialized in one breed of dog only...

She closed due to terrier-able sales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 19
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My pet mouse, Elvis just died..

He was caught in a trap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
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Ajay: I'm taking my pet tortoise to a psychiatrist.

Sanjay: Why?

Ajay: Because he seems very shy - I'm hoping the psychiatrist can help me to bring him out of his shell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkJedi224
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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My pet raven, Poe, started coughing...

Thought it was Corvid-19, but then bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24
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I walked into the local pet shop the other day

I said how much for the wasp?

He said he didn't sell wasps

I said well there's one in your window

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robjzh5
πŸ“…︎ May 17
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Pet rabbit missing. Last seen carried away by owl

Fowl play suspected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ May 09
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Unfortunately found my beautiful pet turkey dead today

Decided to make the best of it and turn him into tompost

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bikemandan
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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A man walks into a pet store...

And asks the proprietor if she could recommend a bird cage. The shopkeeper replies that she has both plastic and metal varieties.

β€œWell what kind of metal is used in the metal one?” he asks?

β€œI’m not sure. Aluminum, I think,” she responds.

β€œDo you happen to know if it contains any nickel?”

β€œNo, I don’t believe it does,” she answers, looking puzzled.

β€œAh,” says the man. β€œSo what you’re saying is that it’s a nickel-less cage.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth-noxious
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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You'll never guess where my pet duck was sitting

On his butt-quack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Payasin70
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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I asked for 12 bees at my local pet store. The owner gave me 13 bees. I said β€œyou’ve given me 1 to many!” The owner said...

...”That one is a freebie!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seymour2112
πŸ“…︎ May 05
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Trying to fall asleep a few nights ago, I asked my wife, "If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?"

She said, "Cats. They check all my boxes." We let that sink in before we both started laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cartgladi8r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
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My wife took a vacation day to carry her pet lizard around town in her handbag...

It's a purse anole day for her.

Credit: Brevity by Dan Thompson for May 02, 2020

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 02
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.

"No thanks, just looking around."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
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The other day, I told my son a joke about his pet iguana’s diet.

Crickets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
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When is the best time to get a pet parakeet?

When they are going cheep

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
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Why don't pets make good astronauts?

They're afraid of the spay station

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cereal-soup
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
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Why did Boy George’s pet get upvoted?

Because it was a karma chameleon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
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Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.

It's a lawnboa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
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A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees

After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtfiction
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
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I love raising caterpillars as pets.

It always gives me butterflies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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What pet does the CEO of Xerox have?

A copycat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
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A guy married his pet parrot.

He was a man of his bird.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
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I went into a pet shop and told the owner that i want twelve bees

He handed me thirteen and said "last one is a freebie"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapyre
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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I tried giving a badger two different types of pet food, but he couldn't decide which to eat.

Apparently badgers can't be choosers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05
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With Storm Ciara rolling in I was worried about my pet bunnies out there in the garden.

But it’s fine - I’ve battened down the hutches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
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My grandmother was visiting me today and just told me she use to have a pet skunk.

I told her that stinks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/packguy88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05
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Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.

Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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My son wants a porcupine without quills as a house pet.

I said, β€œThat’s completely pointless.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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How do your pets stop the show you're watching?

They use paws!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seudonim
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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I tried to teach my pet bird the alphabet, but we got stuck on the 24th letter.

"This is an X, parrot!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
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It is weird living in Paris with pets

They just stare at you while European

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spider4Hire
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
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My friend told me this: What did the pet frog say after you received an F on your test paper?

Rippit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimStaotic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
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How do you discipline your pet rock?

you hit rock bottom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mabelloe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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My new pet fish is seems to be shy.

He’s a little coy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoWasExpected
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I gave my pet snake some glasses.

Now he's a see serpent.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Seen this in pets at home.. mehehe
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkOnOrange
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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My pet rooster is a very talented artist

But he can only draw hentai

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotPlato
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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My local pet shop is having a Buy One, Get One Free sale on birds

The slogan is: One good tern deserves another.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Just got my pet hermit crab a new home

He named it Michelle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.

It’s considered to be a personal fowl.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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Do you know what the loudest pet you can get is?

A Trumpet.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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My kid wanted to get a pet spider from the pet store but they're to expensive....

I told him I'll get him one off the web

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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[pun request] can anyone think of a pun relating to giannis antetokounmpo and rabbits/bunnies? Trying to come up with a pet name
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatemokidd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Which pet makes the most noise?

A Trumpet!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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I wanted to get a pelican as a pet.

But I couldn't afford the bill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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My pet parrot Nico escaped yesterday and hasn't been seen since.

All I have now is a Nico-less cage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadyNZL
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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My pet rock ran away

My fault, I took him for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/googonite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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I gave my daughter money to go buy a dog at the pet store. She disobeyed and came back with a cat instead.

You’ve got to be kitten me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LEGOF
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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My pet turkey died.

His loss has been a real birden

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/28PercentCharged
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he's been a bit stressed out lately.

Now he's a calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaythor85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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My friend plays classical music to his pet oysters, which he places stones within the soft tissue of their bivalves...

He makes cultured pearls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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I had a pet newt once, I called him Tiny

Because he was my newt

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurboAxolotl
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Guy goes into a pet store

So a guy decides he wants to buy the world's most unique pet. He goes to the pet store.

He looks at a cat and a dog. Not unique enough.

He looks at a hamster and a guinea pig. Please.

The pet store guy shows him a porpoise in a tank. He says "what's unique about that" and the pet store guy says "this one will live forever".

So he buys two.

He takes them home and puts them in his bathtub.

He feeds them. He tries feeding them fish, shrimp, waffles, everything. They won't eat anything.

So he goes back to the pet store, and says "they won't eat anything I give them" and the pet store guy says "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the only thing they will eat is mynah birds."

He says "mynah birds. Really?" and the pet store guy says "yep".

So he buys a couple mynah birds and takes them home.

When he gets home, there's a lion sleeping on his front step. Yes, a lion.

He thinks, that's a little strange, but I've got these mynahs and I've got to feed my pets. So he steps over the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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My wife insists that she deserves an extra present this Mothers' day since she is the mum of our pet dog.

What a bitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinsilprincess
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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A guy went to a pet shop. β€œI’d like to buy a goldfish please”. β€œCertainly sir. Would you like an aquarium?” ...

β€œI don’t care what star sign it is” The guy replies.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Mom wants a pet

Sister: Mom wants to have a pet but she hates cats and dogs. Since she wants to have a farm animal like the ones she grew up with on her farm, she’s bringing home a cow and keeping him as a pet.

Me: But I wanted to bring home a kitten to surprise her.

Sister: You can’t do that! She’ll have a cow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyeball-jupe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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My wife thought it would be cute if we had pet names for each other.

Guess "Fido" was a bad choice.

Now I'm in the doghouse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

My goldfish died!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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I visited my friend and his pet rabbit ran away the very next day.

Hare today, gone tomorrow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees. The owner counted out 13 and gave them to me. I told him, "you gave me 1 too many." He responded...

That one is a freebie

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slntrob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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My kid’s pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we can’t find it.

Now he’s just some bunny we used to know.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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Guys, I’m proud to say I’m the father of a Trump Pet

Player.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bikerbomber
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck nam

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, β€œI’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, β€œHurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, β€œPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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After hours of searching, I’m happy to say I tracked down my brides beloved pet dolphin...

Finally, I found my wife’s porpoise

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πŸ‘€︎ u/campanaconqueso
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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What is a vampire’s favorite pet?

A bloodhound!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fixxan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Why do beagles make good pets?

If they were average, they would be seagulls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomiis19
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blazinfastjohny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I went into a pet shop and asked for a dozen bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

"You've given me one too many." "That one is a freebie."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirlukethemodest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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I took my pet to a deer brothel

Got bang for my buck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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My brother applied for a pet store job and when they asked when are you available to work he said right Meow
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noose22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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What happens when your pet rock has a birthday?

It gets a year bolder....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meatbag_289
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Pet Water
πŸ‘︎ 649
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Espartiskills
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Need a name for a pet

My friend just got a pet shrew and as everyone knows, pun names for pets are the best but I can't think of any so I need some help Any suggestions are much appreciated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daggerbones8951
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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How do you punish your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyBroOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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If you want a woman to like you, you should buy her a lot of pets...

Because I read in an issue of Cosmopolitan that women love a person that can give her multiple organisms.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrSkyentist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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I had a guy try to tell me stuff to lubricate my pet lizard

Turns out it was just snake oil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imperial_Squid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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My pet penguin is very loyal

He’s also very Humboldt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmixz17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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What do you call a pet in a car?

A carpet

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
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