She was drinking alone so I went over to her and gave her my best pickup line...
She's apparently not a Ford F-series fan.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many”
Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
My wife stood up and said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits of a movie.
My wife and I keep fighting over my terrible sense of direction.
I got so mad I packed up and right.
My girlfriend and I broke up at summer camp. We got into an argument over which canoe to get take.
She got in one and I the other. Then we just drifted apart.
Puns are blooming all over this garden....Like a cat fight between a dandelion and tiger lily...
Oops...A Daisy
https://preview.redd.it/wxa25n2a58c51.png?width=2478&format=png&auto=webp&s=8e61299d08db7234a2776473a1ad3c254e04ee80
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
Asked my GF why she chose this salad over the drum and bass salad, she wants to disown me.
Arguing over current events is perfectly natural, but there’s a time and a place.
It makes people uncomfortable when they see you mask debating in public.
My neighbor ran over from his farm and was sobbing. “My sheep are missing!” He cried. “My sheep are missing! Please help me!”
I said “that sounds like a ewe problem.”
Had some friends over and they were telling me they are in the market for a new telescope...
I told them “ be carful telescope salesmen can see you coming a mile away!”
Whenever my sprinter friend runs a race, he leans over and pretends to vomit
I know an archaeologist who found a human leg bone during an excavation. The other archaeologists got excited and went over to help him.
Turned out to be quite the shin dig.
I went over to a station where people could gather and entertain themselves with games. On the entrance was marked “5”
What’s got peanut butter, and flies laughing hysterically over the beach?
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"
Max Planck and Zeno of Elea get into a huge bar fight over a slight disagreement. Who won?
Can we stop circulating the same jokes over and over into the ground.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
I was reading a bedtime story to my daughter when the book abruptly ended. We were both perplexed, and my daughter asked, “Is it over?”, to which I replied,
“Yep, that’s all she wrote!”
I'm not gay, but one time I was in a wild mood and let a guy jack off into my face. I don't even know if it was a guy tbh, it hardly even looked human. Idk what came over me
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
My house got broken into last night and they stole over 100 cans of red bull..
I don’t know how they sleep at night
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Two goldfish are in a tank. One leans over to the other and asks...
“Do you even know how to drive this thing?”
There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.
These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.
My grandpa just came over to my house with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. Miffed, I questioned, “Who's this guy?” Gramps chuckled and replied, "Who, him?"
"This is my hip replacement!"
I asked my friend if he would rather be hit in the genitals really hard, driven over a cliff and smacked in the face by a lesbian OR watch his favourite late night host. “That’s easy”, he replied...
We took Grandpa sledging the other day and he caught a terrible cold. Grandma put goosefat all over his chest.
He went downhill pretty quick after that.
A three legged dog walks in to a bar. He looks over at the bartender and says
“I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”
"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.
"This concludes my probaballistic report."
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
A family gets a rabbit, and friend comes over.
Friend: So what are you gonna name him?
Dad: It's a hare, actually.
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
What's black and white and red all over?
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...
Gave my wife a dart and a map, "once this is over, I'll take you anywhere this lands"...
I guess we're going behind the fridge for two weeks!
If the earth was flat and fish swam over the edge, where would they go?
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
Sheep kept complaining to the Shepard over and over and over until the Shepard says...
I saw the headline “Trump Attacks WHO chief Over Criticisms of U.S. Approach to Coronavirus” and thought...
What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers"
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Cop pulled me over today. Got to the car and ordered “papers!”
I replied with “scissors. I win!” and drove off.
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.
Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?
Two little boys were at a wedding. One leaned over and asked "How many wives can a man have?"
The other answered "16. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer"
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
Blind guy walks into a department store and starts swinging his guide dog in circles over his head.
A shop keeper asks him what he is doing and he replies "Taking a look around."
So I walked into the super market and people were fighting over pickles
I said what’s the big dill
My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.
Once this pandemic is over, we're going to have to use BC and AC to refer to 2019-20..21?
Before Covid-19, After Covid-19
We may soon resort to barbarianism and form clans and start clashing over toilet paper!
My family was going around in a circle all making jokes. It got to my dad, and he didn’t say anything. I lean over and say to him:
I tripped and fell down the steps this morning. My son comes running over asking "Daddy, are you alright?"
I said "No, son. I'm half left."
I tripped over something in the bathroom and nearly killed myself.
It was a toilet brush with death.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when I got it there was too much milk and not enough coffee
Better latte than never I suppose
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
I saw something in the tub and thought the cat took a crap in there, but he just knocked over some of my wife’s hair care products.
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
What did the man say when the police pulled him over for dangerous driving and said "You're Drunk!"?
Thanks God for that I thought the steering had gone...
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, "do ya wanna box for that?"
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
I told my wife we should pack it up and start over as eskimos
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. "With all due respect sir," my dad replied...
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
What do you call a guy that comes over and breaks the butt end off of grandad's old hunting rifle?
Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?
They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.
Facebook has over 2 billion users, That is as big as the whole of christianity, Forget that, it is bigger than hinduism and islam. Although facebook’s messenger is probably the worst.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
A snail went to a car dealership and bought the flashiest, fasted, most eye-catching car they had. The snail then special ordered “S”s to be printed all over the car. The salesman asked why all the “S”s, the snail replied:
When people watch me drive by they’ll say “Look at that S-car-go”
(A joke my dad told me many many years ago)
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”
I respond, “it’s my high knee.”
Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.
My aunt has been inviting several unmarried female friends over to study the Bible and pray a few times a week.
I told her not to make it a habit.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
My new nightclub for giants finally opened. It took over 7 years of planning and we only had one rule...
I was doing some work in the garden and tripped over a rock.
Damn it, I soiled myself.
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I was cooking pasta for dinner and as the water was bubbling over I said:
"Goodbye water, you will be mist."
I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
The barman looked over at me and said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?"
"Why on Earth would I want two empty glasses?" I asked.
My grandmother is over 80 and she still doesn't need glasses…
Drinks straight from the bottle, she does!
My wife told me, “Its over”, and started walking out. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
Cop pulled me over and said “PAPERS.” I yelled scissors and drove off.
What's black and white and read all over?
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