i lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A lady asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
I lost my job today because I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person
It turns out that everyone else on the bus didn’t want a blind person behind the wheel...
A ha, he took on the job.
My cocky jockey friend likes to brag about how he gets to smoke weed while on the job.
I told him to get off his high horse.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you shit faced.”
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
As a master electrician of 22 years, I've never had an accident on the job.
When I finally had an accident at work, I was shocked.
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
My friend used to have a job of working on the set of a 1990 horror miniseries...
He was an IT professional.
I got fired for changing the wood on my jobs counter
I was just trying to spruce up the mood
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
Did you hear about the lumberjack that got hurt on the job?
It took a little tree-tment but he is a lot better now.
How do electricians warn each other about dangers on the job?
"Careful: this mega hurts"
The fireman was injured on the job. Some say he was pushed, some think something fell on him.
I think it was the latter.
(Thought up this gem while trying to sleep at 3 am. lol.)
Do you have to go to school to drive a train? or do they just TRAIN you on the job?
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
I was really nervous my first day on the job at a waste management company.
It's unfortunate that the cop lost his tooth on job
But it's a huge responsibility & someone had to bite the bullet.
[At the therapist’s office] “Sometimes I really have trouble focusing on my job!”
Patient: That’s great, but we are here to talk about my problems!
Where does a pirate go when he is getting sexually harassed on the job?
A CoPilot’s First Day on the Job
Pilot: so why did you want to become a pilot?
CoPilot: to conquer my greatest fear.
Pilot: flying?
CoPilot: dying alone.
My coworker said we should think of cocaine puns on the job.
I said, "That's snort a good idea."
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
Most people have a good paying job, priests on the other hand have a god praying job
I once had a job at the hospital where I had to perform circumcisions on new borns.
The pay was terrible, but I got a lot of tips.
Did you hear about the guy who got the entire left half of his body ripped off in a horrible accident at his factory job that he had to support his family, and now he might die, or even worse, become a brain dead vegetable that is only an economic burden on his already poor family?
[During Job interview] "Can you explain this gap in your résumé?" Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."
A Little Pun on the Job
So I have a funny anecdote from work but my friends don't like puns as much as I do, so I'm hoping someone here will appreciate it. This happened last night.
My lead walked up to me to let me know a coworker wasn't there, he says, "Bill is dead and we killed him."
I give him a blank stare because I didn't comprehend him immediately and he goes, "it was a reference to Nietzsche." (German philosopher known for "God is dead and we killed him.") "it was a Neitzsche joke."
So I responded with "that's cool bud, but I believe it's pronounced 'niche'."
He stutters for a moment, "no, it's- oh."
I burst out into laughter and he walks away with a "fuck you". 😂
What do Amtrack conductors have to do before they can work on the job?
Giving our newly on the job waitress a hard time
Waitress: And what can I get for you Sir?
Dad: I'll take the Parmesan Encrusted Steak please.
Waitress: What temperature would you like that cooked?
Dad: 500...... KELVIN!
Me (facepalming): ...He'd like his steak medium...
He enjoyed his new job as a flight attendant on a Transgalactic Express ship. He enjoyed the variety of species & sentients he got to meet. Except for the Plort, who ate large quantities of raw dead flesh.
They always made him put their carrion overhead.
What's the Best Material to Use on Dirty Jobs?
My wife said she got a job at the hospital, but recently she let slip she's working in labor and delivery....do you think she's cheating on me?
How should I confront her about this?
I told my friend she should get a job on the Seafood Team at the local Whole Foods.
She declined, said she didn't want to get Salmon-ella.
Saw a business card with the job title "Lead Architect" on it the other day...
So I asked, "Have you not been promoted to gold architect just yet, then?"
On the job site
I'm an architect and visited a house with my boss and the client today which is nearly finished. We were talking about the marble counter he got for his bathroom and how nice it is.
My boss - "Yes, client, we really think you're doing a marvelous job with this so far..."
Me - "Maybe even a marbleous job"
silence
Did you hear about the train that got caught smoking on the job?
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance....
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
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