Just had my first day on the job as a co-pilot of the Millenium falcon...
It went well but I made some Wookiee mistakes.
Got a job at a potato chip factory. On top of salary they said I could pick any flavor chip off the shelf once a month.
They prided themselves in their stock options.
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A mailman starts his first day on the job in Amsterdam.
He has to get to the other side of the canal but can't seem to find a bridge. On the other side he sees someone walking his dog. How do I get to the opposite side? He shouts. You already are the man responds.
Did you hear about the lawyer who learned on the job?
He gained all his knowledge through trials and error.
I cut lumber for a living, but I keep sleeping on the job.
As you can tell, I'm a slumberjack.
Did you know being a minute is the most dangerous job on the planet?
Because every 60 seconds, a minute passes
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"
So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?
Why did the job applicant kick the door on his way into the interview?
So he could try to get a foot in the door
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
A ha, he took on the job.
My cocky jockey friend likes to brag about how he gets to smoke weed while on the job.
I told him to get off his high horse.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you shit faced.”
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
As a master electrician of 22 years, I've never had an accident on the job.
When I finally had an accident at work, I was shocked.
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
How do electricians warn each other about dangers on the job?
"Careful: this mega hurts"
The fireman was injured on the job. Some say he was pushed, some think something fell on him.
I think it was the latter.
(Thought up this gem while trying to sleep at 3 am. lol.)
I got fired for changing the wood on my jobs counter
I was just trying to spruce up the mood
My friend used to have a job of working on the set of a 1990 horror miniseries...
He was an IT professional.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
Did you hear about the lumberjack that got hurt on the job?
It took a little tree-tment but he is a lot better now.
Do you have to go to school to drive a train? or do they just TRAIN you on the job?
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
I was really nervous my first day on the job at a waste management company.
[At the therapist’s office] “Sometimes I really have trouble focusing on my job!”
Patient: That’s great, but we are here to talk about my problems!
It's unfortunate that the cop lost his tooth on job
But it's a huge responsibility & someone had to bite the bullet.
Where does a pirate go when he is getting sexually harassed on the job?
My coworker said we should think of cocaine puns on the job.
I said, "That's snort a good idea."
A CoPilot’s First Day on the Job
Pilot: so why did you want to become a pilot?
CoPilot: to conquer my greatest fear.
Pilot: flying?
CoPilot: dying alone.
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
Most people have a good paying job, priests on the other hand have a god praying job
I once had a job at the hospital where I had to perform circumcisions on new borns.
The pay was terrible, but I got a lot of tips.
A Little Pun on the Job
So I have a funny anecdote from work but my friends don't like puns as much as I do, so I'm hoping someone here will appreciate it. This happened last night.
My lead walked up to me to let me know a coworker wasn't there, he says, "Bill is dead and we killed him."
I give him a blank stare because I didn't comprehend him immediately and he goes, "it was a reference to Nietzsche." (German philosopher known for "God is dead and we killed him.") "it was a Neitzsche joke."
So I responded with "that's cool bud, but I believe it's pronounced 'niche'."
He stutters for a moment, "no, it's- oh."
I burst out into laughter and he walks away with a "fuck you". 😂
[During Job interview] "Can you explain this gap in your résumé?" Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."
Giving our newly on the job waitress a hard time
Waitress: And what can I get for you Sir?
Dad: I'll take the Parmesan Encrusted Steak please.
Waitress: What temperature would you like that cooked?
Dad: 500...... KELVIN!
Me (facepalming): ...He'd like his steak medium...
What do Amtrack conductors have to do before they can work on the job?
He enjoyed his new job as a flight attendant on a Transgalactic Express ship. He enjoyed the variety of species & sentients he got to meet. Except for the Plort, who ate large quantities of raw dead flesh.
They always made him put their carrion overhead.
What's the Best Material to Use on Dirty Jobs?
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance
i lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A lady asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance....
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