I lost 3 fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
She said "maybe but I wouldn't count on it".
Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down Calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.
I heard Al Gore gave up on politics and was trying his hand at programming.
Apparently he created his own algoreithm
What is something that can be on your hand but has no physical presence?
The ladies confuse me. On one hand they want me to be courteous.
But they always frown when I hold the revolving door for them.
Today my wife berated me for spending too much money on hand soap.
I don’t like her dial tone.
Over the weekend, I watched a documentary on the proper way to hold hand tools...
An Unringed Hand is a Single Sign-On.
On the one hand, 2021 has turned out to be better than 2020…. But, on the other hand,…
What time is it when the big hand is on 7 and the little hand is on 13?
I lost one of my gloves today. On one hand, it's just a glove...
My friends at school said that if you sit on your hand for a while, it feels like somebody else is doing it.
But it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.
on one hand, I want to make a good dad joke
But on the other hand, there's five fingers
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
During the monthly healing service, AJ asked if the preacher could help with his hearing. The preacher called him up, put one hand on AJs ear, one on his head, and began the prayer. The whole church joined in with great enthusiasm. The preacher looked AJ in the eyes and asked if the prayer helped.
With great excitement and a newfound enthusiasm for life AJ replied "the hearing isn't until Thursday, I'll let you know!"
A medical examiner in Boston was down on his luck, so he tried his hand at magic.
He failed at that too. He just couldn't halve-a-cadavah.
A good romance starts with a good friendship. A bad romance on the other hand starts with...
Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance.
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
On the one hand, I'm a bit deformed.
On the other hand, seven fingers!
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,
My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
I caught my little 4 month old niece chewing on her hand
So I turned to my wife and asked, who gave her the handburger? 🍔
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK.
Happy Fathers Day everybody
There are relatively few films with Dracula in them. On the other hand, films without Dracula...
My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
A pirate wanted to celebrate his captain’s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, “Arrr! That was a costly mistake...”
“We lost a lot of doubloons.”
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
The longest hand on a clock is always the oldest
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I can count on one hand how many times I've visited Chernobyl
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
Dad: “I like to have my shoes match my pants. For instance, my brown shoes go well with my blue pants and my black shoes go well with my gray pants. My stripper heels on the other hand...”
“...don’t go with anything.”
My dad never makes “dad jokes” but, he actually said this yesterday and I’m so proud.
I’m debating whether to write “YES” on my left hand and “NO” on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
My teenage daughter showed me a small bump on her hand and asked what it was...
I told her I thought it was a bug bite and she asked 'But where did I get bitten?' and I said 'On your hand.'
:D
She even laughed! True story!
On the other hand....
Your fingers are different.
On the other hand,
you have different fingers.
I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand.
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
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