My hands turned to sugar.
My Grandad always used to say ‘many hands make light work’
Awesome Grandad, rubbish Electrician
By buddies and I were drinking beer and cracking jokes, but things started to get out of hand.
It was quite the brew-haha.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
You gotta hand it to short people.
Because they cant reach it.
I tried to take my dog out of her crate and she peed on my hands
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
A father hands a burger to his son before vanishing
Before he leaves, the father says, “It’s a bison burger”
My dad asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party...
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
I'm going to open a pizza joint where they shake a box a bit before they hand it to you.
I'll call it Little Seizures.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
A pirate wanted to celebrate his captain’s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, “Arrr! That was a costly mistake...”
“We lost a lot of doubloons.”
Looks like I have to muck thyme on my hands!
Just going to have to wash my hands off this one!
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...
Sadly due to a neurological condition, I have a permanent hand tremor..
Good side is that when I do a handshake, I do it literally.
(Condition is inoperable brain tumour)
You really gotta hand it to short people...
...they usually can't reach it anyways.
She get her hand dirty to save us all !!
As I was walking down the street, I noted a man with a large pole in his hand and stopped to ask, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"
His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
"I've come here to hand over this abandoned cygnet that I rescued and raised"
Animal shelter: "Nice swan".
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. “13?”, the scientist asks, “I wanted a dozen!”
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.
Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.
I used to be a pro at washing my hands.
But now I'm all washed up.
Oven mitts make hands immune to heat.
At least to a certain degree.
(first post here. thought of this while making a hot pocket)
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Someone tried to hand me a baby the other day...
“No thanks,” I said, “I am a vegetarian!”
What do you call a man covered in blue paint with a wrench taped to his hand?
I once attempted to hold a scarecrow’s hand
But found myself grasping at straws.
I used to understand politics like the back of my hand
But now I dont know my left from my right
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
Players just can’t seem to keep their hands off this new board game..
Today I went up to my coworker with a sample jar in each hand
And I said hey check this out, jar jar clinks and I clinked them together.
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.
I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”
As part of my community service, I had to hand out cans of pineapple to needy families...
What do you call a boomerang that won’t return to your hand?
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.
You’ve really gotta hand it to short people.....
Because they usually can’t reach it anyways.
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
You’ve really gotta hand it to short people,
Because they usually can’t reach it anyway.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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