Off Year Puns

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

Never to be heard from again.

I'm quitting cold-turkey.

Since then, I haven't looked back.

It's a whiskey business, after all.

Even their cakes are in tiers.

God I miss him .

I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.

So he can say he now has 2020 vision.

She responded: ”I no chiwwy, I Madison.”

I almost died choking on pancake. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered.

So, in true dad spirit, I asked my daughter if she'd heard about the man raised by horses.

After I delivered the "difficult childhood, but a stable environment" punchline, she groaned and said, "I thought you were going to say he was your neigh-bour."

She learns fast.

that way I always start the new year off on the right foot

Water you doing?

He called it the Earnest Lemming-Way.

A classic!

*son falls on butt "Owww!" "Your ok buddy let me see... *looks at son's butt OH NO, THERE'S A CRACK IN IT!"

Now he's worried his butt is broken.

You'd think it'd be gone off by now, but it's in mint condition

"How was school?"

"We had gym."

"Gym who?"

We were sitting down to dinner and one of our cats was meowing for attention. He said: "C'mon butterscotch, you gotta be kitten me".

I was so proud of meow boy.

Friends and family seeing my new hair cut for the first time have all asked me the same question:

"Oh, you cut your hair off?"

"No", I respond. I let them struggle with an internal dilemma, doubting reality, wondering if they were losing touch life, until I finally respond, "My hairdresser cut it off."

My friends were playing a game during new years celebrations and I was watching. One of my friends began adopting a strategy I've become infamous for.

Friend getting mad: Paul, do you see this? He's pretty much being you.

Me: I'm appalled.

While eating at a Chinese restaurant with my family:

Me: grab eggroll Sister: You need any duck sauce? Me: No, I don't have any quackers. Family: laughs Dad: shaking head in shame

I made my dad groan at a dad joke!!!!

Even their cakes are in tiers

…never to be heard from again…

never to be heard from again.