Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
My family suffers from chronic diarrhea
My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness?
I said, "NO, We all seem to enjoy it."
I just found out one of my family members is addicted to Viagra
It’s been pretty hard times.
I was showing our new car to our family. And my daughter asked "Cargo space ? "
Today I finally told my family about my hot dog addiction
It was really hard but I managed to mustard all the courage to do so
There was a joke I wanted to share with my family but I can’t find it on here..
I don’t know what’s wrong with my family.
They haven’t spoken to me all year!
I looked up my family tree.
I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.
It's just water under the fridge.
I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one
It was our last resort...
I have been making pencil sketches of my family and it's not exciting at all
Back to the drawing, bored
Took my family of 12 out for a coffee today.
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
My family asked me to stop telling them Thanksgiving jokes
But I told them I couldn’t quit cold turkey
my dad made a dad joke in the family group chat...
Dad: Where do penguins keep their money?
Me: their wallets
Dad: A snow bank!
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
My sister's family lost their only income when his husband got fired from his job making shoes, baguettes and sausages.
He was their sole bread wiener.
My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now...
My whole family mocked me when my French bakery went bankrupt
How dare they laugh at my pain.
I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.
Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
I can out of the closet to my family.
They were relieved that they finally found me after a week.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I surprised my family today by changing careers to become a mirror cleaner.
It was something I could always see myself doing.
My whole family witnessed me going to jail
We have to play something other than monopoly next time
Alcoholics don’t run in my family
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
Some people exploared some caves of my family
I was surprised to learn my family had never heard of the patron Saint of e-mails
So I had to tell them about Saint Francis of A CC
Lately my family have been telling me I need new glasses
But I really don't see the problem
I showed ten puns to my family to make them laugh
My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.
Bob:.. I went to see my doctor about having a vasectomy Jack:.. " That's a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"
Bob:..."Yes, they're in favor of it, 14 to 3..."
Had to tell my family we can't take the boat to the lake cause my truck broke down. Fortunately, avocado.
My family was doing the dinner dishes together and our mum was washing the dishes in the sink. She asked “could you guys load the dishwasher please?”
So my dad brought her a glass of wine.
My family tell me not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take
I played monopoly with my family last night and managed to capture every railroad
Everybody thought the game was a real trainwreck
My three most favorite things ever are eating my family
My family has been getting stir crazy. So we decided to take our son to the local zoo. Problem is, it’s a small zoo. They only have one animal. It’s a dog.
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
My name is Jay and we are an Icelandish family. My wife and I could never come up with a name for our son.
I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good.
They are all laughtose intolerant.
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I said, “Absolutely not! No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact..."
"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine!"
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
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