My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
Don't you dare CONSOLE my family
My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness?
I said "NO, We all seem to enjoy it. "
My mother told me she was abandoning the family to go across the world and study yoga. I had only one thing to say to her:
I proudly exclaimed to my family, "As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass!"
"I just wanted to make that clear!"
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.
That's just not how I roll.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!
Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?
Gingersnap
Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?
Snickerdoodle
Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?
Shortbread
Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?
Angel food
Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?
Peach cobbler
Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?
Baked Alaska
Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?
German chocolate
Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?
Lemon bars
Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?
Fondant
Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?
Sherbet
I made Himalayan rabbit stew for supper tonight for my family
I found Himalayan on the side of the road on my way home
My family suffers from chronic diarrhea
I was the only one in the family who believed in my brother to become a ninja, so when my dad said „he will never make it“
I was sitting at a red light with my family, and I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
After running it for nearly 30 years, my dad just sold our family owned Jewish deli.
I can't believe he gave up the lox, stocks and barrel.
Today I finally told my family about my hot dog addiction
It was really hard but I managed to mustard all the courage to do so
I just found out one of my family members is addicted to Viagra
It’s been pretty hard times.
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.
It's just water under the fridge.
I was showing our new car to our family. And my daughter asked "Cargo space ? "
I don’t know what’s wrong with my family.
They haven’t spoken to me all year!
There was a joke I wanted to share with my family but I can’t find it on here..
I looked up my family tree.
I have been making pencil sketches of my family and it's not exciting at all
Back to the drawing, bored
I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one
It was our last resort...
My family asked me to stop telling them Thanksgiving jokes
But I told them I couldn’t quit cold turkey
Took my family of 12 out for a coffee today.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
my dad made a dad joke in the family group chat...
Dad: Where do penguins keep their money?
Me: their wallets
Dad: A snow bank!
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
My whole family mocked me when my French bakery went bankrupt
How dare they laugh at my pain.
My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now...
My sister's family lost their only income when his husband got fired from his job making shoes, baguettes and sausages.
He was their sole bread wiener.
I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.
Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Alcoholics don’t run in my family
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
I surprised my family today by changing careers to become a mirror cleaner.
It was something I could always see myself doing.
Lately my family have been telling me I need new glasses
But I really don't see the problem
My whole family witnessed me going to jail
We have to play something other than monopoly next time
I was surprised to learn my family had never heard of the patron Saint of e-mails
So I had to tell them about Saint Francis of A CC
Some people exploared some caves of my family
My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.
I showed ten puns to my family to make them laugh
Had to tell my family we can't take the boat to the lake cause my truck broke down. Fortunately, avocado.
My wife accused me of hating her family
I told her, "your mother-in-law is way better than mine!"
My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness?
I said, "NO, We all seem to enjoy it."
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
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