House Paint Puns

it was an emulsional time for me.

I went back to the fuchsia

He's actually pretty good! He made a great job of the landing.

I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, “why didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, “don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”

Them: “You’ve factored in all the labour, but what about the paint?” Me: “It’s on the house”

It was inn-appropriate.

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing😬👍

It must be a home for violet offenders.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

"Paint my house"

Address.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

A man was a painter, he sold paint and also painted houses for people. However, he liked to water down the paint and thin it. He would cheat his customers by forcing them to buy more paint than they needed due to the low quality.

One day, while up on a ladder painting a house with his thinned paint a bolt of lightning struck at him and he fell to the ground.

He heard a deep booming voice from heaven yell "repaint and thin no more!"

I had painted the wood part of their pump house a couple days ago. Today I came back to finish up the trim etc. he didn't have the same kind of paint as I had used before.

Me-"what if they're different shades?"

Him-"it's fine, it'll be all white!"

We are re-staining the banister in our house to match our new floors. So my girlfriend asked what the process is. The employee starts going on how we need to first use stripper to remove the paint. My girlfriend asked how much are strippers. I quickly responded well it depends on how nice, what time of day and where you go to get your stripper. Everyone had a good laugh my girlfriend was not amused.

So my sister dad and I were sanding and then painting the exterior of our house. My sister and I were sanding while my dad painted what we had already sanded. Then we hear the unmistakable dad-chuckle and he said, " I should set you two on fire so then you'd be BURNING SANDERS"

So I get dropped off at home by my girlfriend, and as I walk to the house I see my Dad doing some bodywork on the car.

Me: Hey Dad, how's it going?

Dad: Pretty good, you? Just doing a bit of painting

Me: How many coats have you put on?

Dad: I'm wearing a t-shirt

Me: ...

Can you Dad joke someone you're a guardian to?

Anyway

A friend has been doing some house decorating recently, I just had following Skype conversation with her daughter (my ward)

Her : Gonna do some painting with Mum in a minute

Me : I'd use a brush

My aunt's bathroom is shaped like a hallway, long and narrow. I found out when she moved into her house, her dad told her she should repaint the bathroom with silver paint. When she asked him why, he said, "Well then you could call it the Long John Silver."

My husband to my daughter not five minutes ago.

I went to buy some house paints the other day... I had a mixture of emulsions.

Somebody, please help me.

Last night my dad was showing me a gift he picked up for our annual white elephant gift exchange with the family at my grandparents house. It was a large wooden Reindeer, with Christmas light and decorations painted on it, and huge, baby-like eyes. This is how the conversation went. Dad: "I don't think it's too bad. It's kind of different, but not a bad present." Me: "It was a good gift, I don't think it's bad at all. It's enDEERing!" He smiles, gives me an overdramatic groan and eye-roll, and then high-fives me. I love my dad.

So I went to my neighbour, who was an old lady. I said to her : Would you like some help around the house

She said : Oh yes, you can paint my porch

I came back to her 2 hours later and then said: Well, I’m done, but just to let you know, it’s a BMW, not a Porsche.