If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.

It was shelf defense.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylejay915
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘︎ 403
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear

Address

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.

That way, I always make a grand entrance.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build its house

igloos it together

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?

Mumbai.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iOSSwiftDeveloper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6

I told him kindergarten

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a murder outside my house today...

All the crows were just sitting in my tree...

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?

After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.

My son sighs and says, "the living room."

High five buddy, you got me.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ex_oh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.

Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatProtomolecule
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course! Houses can't jump.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperGrandPatzer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I was experimenting with the power grid of my house

The results were shocking

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
"I caught two men in balaclavas breaking into my house last night," said my friend. "But they got away sadly."

"How do you know they were sad if they were wearing balaclavas?" I asked.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about covering the outside of my house in unhatched chickens

My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/degggendorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moist_Mandibles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson

πŸ‘︎ 366
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I entered a house yesterday...

and one of the furniture was very nice to me. It turned out to be hospitable.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lunarlnd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens to Werewolf's house when its the full moon?

It becomes a warehouse.

Credit to Haldzur, the newest dad in our party.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eagle_Vision_13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
It made me sick that my chimney started falling off the house.

Luckily I caught the flue

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I bet my 4 kids $5 I could jump higher than my house

I won $20

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Mad house
πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaryOverMatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What do houses like to wear?

Address

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gaborocha
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My local Waffle House has a new insurance plan.

They're now covered and smothered.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdas1996
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did Tiger Woods' house burn down?

Because he got rid of all his hose.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said if I cleaned the house the reward would be sex.

My goodness, I wonder who with.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.

I said, β€œOi, what’s your game?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.

It's a hostal takeover.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archaelleon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What is a thief’s house made out of?

Steal.

Courtesy of my daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbrad682
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyrizzle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the house itchy?

Because it has shingles.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FierieFairie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Gingerbread house for Christmas
πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelvinnnnnnn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My real estate agent lied.. he said my house had 1000 carpet area

I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there ..

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Interesting fact: elephants can jump higher than a house.

Because houses can't jump very high.

(My stepson told me a dad joke)

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingofthecairn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
my friend richard bought a new house today

if you ask me its kinda a dick move

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/epicgamer927
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The Trump White House is so polite these days.

Everyone there is saying β€œPardon me” all the time now.

πŸ‘︎ 305
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πŸ‘€︎ u/world-shaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why won’t Trump be able enter the White House on January 21st?

It’s forbiden

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly

Communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear ?

Address.

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sayan_dutta7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But, it was arson.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/At_atLaS123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear?

Address

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report

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