What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
π︎ 1k
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︎ Mar 09 2021
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
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︎ Mar 10 2021
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
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︎ Mar 14 2021
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?
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︎ Mar 10 2021
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Handing this off to r/historymemes for a Belgian Congo comment chain
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.
Hes quite the whisk taker
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︎ Mar 07 2021
why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
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︎ Mar 02 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Bear Hands
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︎ Mar 01 2021
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
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︎ Mar 06 2021
The wizard in my campaign just got handed a whole bunch of random, unlabeled Sesame Street videos.
He's going to learn how to count or spell.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
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︎ Mar 06 2021
You gotta hand it to dwarves...
...because, sometimes they can't reach.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I handed my son his pencil, he said "that's my number 2"
I asked him "where's your number 1?"
He said "in the toilet"
I'm so proud!
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 11 2021
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.
Iβm struggling to grasp the importance of this.
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Which hand do you wipe with?
'Cause, I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 25 2021
My son asked me if a T-Rex could clap its hands.
"No, son, they're extinct."
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︎ Feb 22 2021
I like to hold hands at the movies.
Which always seems to startle strangers.
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 02 2021
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Mar 10 2021
You really have to hand it to short people
Because they can't reach it themselves
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Sep 25 2020
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
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︎ Dec 17 2020
So anyways the barista Taylor goes to hand me my drink....
And I said "thanks a latte."
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 14 2021
How many bones are in a hand?
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Why do people in N/A stand in circles and hold hands???
Because they dont do Lines anymore.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought βThis isnβt for me.β
π︎ 38
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︎ Feb 22 2021
If your dog shakes hands with your enemy, has he committed a foe paw?
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Why can't Barbarians keep their hands off their axes?
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 27 2021
A blind man was handed a job offer but he denied it.
He said he isn't looking forward to work with them.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 05 2021
I just called GameStop Customer Service...
They asked me to please Hold. ππ€²
π︎ 19k
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︎ Feb 03 2021
You know, you have to hand it...
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Marriage is like a hand grenade....
Remove the ring and the house is gone.
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 14 2021
An Italian man loses his hands from bike accident. What did his parents ask the doctor?
βWill my son able to speak again?β
π︎ 21
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.
Now itβs a Sub Machine Gun
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︎ Jan 27 2021
My Grandad always used to say βmany hands make light workβ
Awesome Grandad, rubbish Electrician
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︎ Feb 20 2021
By buddies and I were drinking beer and cracking jokes, but things started to get out of hand.
It was quite the brew-haha.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 19 2021
If killing a man is homicide
is killing a friend homiecide
π︎ 245
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Guys, I have been thinking about selling my Theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Feb 07 2021
What's the undisputed ruler of all hand tools?
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...
I guess I have to keep holding it.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My son just handed me a coaster from a packet of Rolos
My quick reply of it being coaster celebrate was totally wasted on him, being only a toddler.
So remember, doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. When you're a dad, life is like a rolo coaster.
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︎ Feb 22 2021
This is real lee getting out of hand
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 27 2020
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
π︎ 155
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︎ Mar 11 2021
As I handed my dad his 53rd birthday card, he said,
"You know, 1 would have been fine"
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︎ Mar 19 2021
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 11 2021
Guess what my Dad said when I handed him his 55th birthday card
He said βThanks Son, but one would be enoughβ
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︎ Mar 21 2021
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 13 2021
You really got to hand it to short people...
Mainly because they can't reach it themselves.
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︎ Feb 27 2021
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