A teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “Hijkm” she says “I’m sorry, I’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. A girl raises her hand and says...
“That’s me, and it’s pronounced Noelle”
I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.
A pianist cuts his hand on the notes B, D, and F#. He goes to the doctor and tells him this.
The doctor says The damage looks to B minor.
I lost 3 fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
She said "maybe but I wouldn't count on it".
"How do you want to die?" She asked, standing over me with the weapon in her hand. "Making love." I replied.
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids. Billy walks on stage and asks him, “can you help me with my hearing?”. The Pope says “Yes” and puts his hand on Billy’s ears and prays. He removes his hands and asks, “How is your hearing now?”
Billy says, “I don’t know, it’s not until next Wednesday… “
Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down Calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.
Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."
So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ" The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?" Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."
My wife asked for me to hand her her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She's still not talking to me.
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life?
I think mailmen should have to do a dance when they hand you your mail.
A correspon-dance, if you will.
My daughter ran to me crying that she burned her hand and dinner.
I dried her eyes and sprinkled thyme on her hand and dinner. She looked at me with a confused face. I said thyme heals everything.
CPS is at my door now.
I asked my bro to hand me what looked like a small leaflet he was holding.
a carpenter gets his ear sliced off on the job site. all his co-workers are desperately searching for it and finally after an hour of looking he hears a guy shout "I've found it!" as he races up to hand it to him he says...
Nah that's not mine. My ear had a pencil behind it
You gotta hand it to short people...
...otherwise, they can't reach it.
True Story: Overheard my hardware store guy saying "I unloaded that whole pallet of mortar by hand. My back hurts!" To which I replied
"What seems to be the mortar?"
I got one laugh out of three others there.
I feel like I need to sneeze! Quick can you hand me
I was going in for surgery to remove a cyst in my hand yesterday, and I asked one of the nurses if I'd be able to play piano after recovery.
She said yes!
I replied: "That's great, I've never been able to play before!"
The eyeroll I got back made me think she was thinking back over the Hippocratic oath to determine whether she could smother me with a pillow or not.
what happened to the pirate's hand after he was in a bar fight?
He had Blistering Bar Knuckles.
You've gotta hand it to lazy people
They're not gonna get up and get it themselves, after all
I heard that Sean Connery once pulled the razor out of a man’s hand, who was shredding a large pile of cash to bits
I guess he wanted to shave a dollar
I used to be addicted to hand sanitizer.
Proud Dad moment here: I was changing out a light fixture in the front hall and asked my 16yo son to hand me a pair of pliers
As he gave them to me, he said “Sure Dad — many hands make light work.”
It takes me a while to post because I lost my hand in an accident
I'm sure there's a joke in there but I can't put my finger on it.
My 5yo came up to me and said "Dad, what you get when you tie a fruit to your hand and punch an enemy?"
Going along with it, I said "Hmm. I'm not sure. What?"
He yelled"A FRUIT PUNCH!" And punched me in the groin with no fruit tied to his hand.
More of a joke on Dad than a Dad joke.
Found out today that my hand can fit inside my wife's gloves, all the way down to the palm...
We just don't share similar inch wrists.
A boy goes to ask a man for his daughter’s hand marriage…
A boy goes to ask a man for his daughter’s hand marriage.
The man asks “Which one do you want? The smaller one or the bigger one?”
The boy says “Why does she have one small hand and one big hand?”
The ladies confuse me. On one hand they want me to be courteous.
But they always frown when I hold the revolving door for them.
You really have to hand it to organ donors.
I told my son to hand over his phone and play with his toy bricks.
But he didn't want to Lego
Over the weekend, I watched a documentary on the proper way to hold hand tools...
Do you know why the airplane chef wasn't allowed to bring his hand mixer onto the plane?
Because it was a flight whisk
My new hand truck can lift up to 1000lbs
I call it a Dolly PartTON.
Man, the US Marine Corps really screwed up when they named their hand to hand fighting style the 'Marine Corps Martial Arts Program'.
They could have named it Semper Fu.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
On the one hand, 2021 has turned out to be better than 2020…. But, on the other hand,…
When my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party ....
It was at that moment I realised that he was the favourite twin.
I'm going to open a pizza joint where they shake a box a bit before they hand it to you.
I'll call it Little Seizures.
You really gotta hand it to short people.
Mainly because they can't reach it.
I can count on one hand how many times I've been to chernobyl
I've visited that place seven times
You've got to hand it to short people...
You really gotta hand it to short people…
…because they can’t get it themselves.
You gotta hand it to short people
because they can't reach it
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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