It was quite the brew-haha.
He’s a small arms dealer.
My friend: you’re loading
Me: you’re loading!
Friend: you want to say that again?
Me: no...I was going to make a computer joke, but I froze.
..I'm not good with slapstick humour.
I was working nightshift at McDonalds and a dad and his son wanted some ice cream, chocolate, specifically. The machine wasnt acting right so I interjected and said, "the chocolate ice cream works, it's just acting funny" and the dad swoops in and asks, "does it tell jokes?
And then back into hand.
And I imagine you wouldn't have much left if you'd foot the bill for infringement of copy'right'.
But i scrotum all up
http://m.imgur.com/gallery/6SdMTOF
... Mini-Soda Vikings, everyone.
"Put your hand on the window."
Do so
"Can you feel the pain?"
"What?"
"The window pane."
It's a real knee slapper!
Omg it was so amazing. The dad was like "my new daughter take your hands and place them face up. my son, my friend my boy, take your hands and place them face down. Now look into each others eyes and take in this moment, as it the last time....... that you will have the upper hand."
I started screaming immediately I loved it so much. Everyone at our table went gung ho for it we were dying. Groans and sighs were heard but I was screaming. SO DAMN GOOD
Me: How did you do that?
Dad: I just lay down on the ground and made a noise like a carrot.
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
That’s not a good sign.
They asked me to please Hold. 💎🤲
I haven't touched it in years.
My hand.
I guess I have to keep holding it.
is killing a friend homiecide
I can always count on them!
On the other hand i am ok
He got it at a second hand store...
Unless you Count Dracula.
My foot.
Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I learned next to nothing.
So that I can tell jokes nobody has ever heard.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.
Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.
What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Can someone tell me why my post was removed?
I'm a bit annoyed about this as it caused my fence to fall over
I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
Now I’m clean
Sign language
My response: "144? That's a gross"
It was hard to differentiate between them.
While handing out my teams paycheck stubs at work I told everyone to "Enjoy your checks while they last, you won't be getting paid for the rest of the year!"
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Single-handedly.
I love and hate myself for it.
My kid walks in says "Dad, I don't feel good" I rub her back and say "You feel fine to me." She groaned and rolled her eyes just like I used to. I laughed just like he did. I am shamefully proud of myself.
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
But so far, I'm stumped.
