Please root for my girlfriend's pun.
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
I told my girlfriend I was making a car out of spaghetti.
She told me to grow up and stop being an idiot. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
What's something you should never say to a blind girlfriend?
I think we should see other people.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole a wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Was watching Arrested Development the other day and my girlfriend made a groaner of a dad joke.
Lucille: “I have to get Dusty ice cream.”
GF: “Dusty ice cream doesn’t sound very good”
What did the tree say to his tree girlfriend
I wood do anything for you
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my girlfriend some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
My deaf girlfriend just told me that “we need to talk”.
My girlfriend said I'm pretty
Well, she actually said, "You're pretty annoying", but I choose to focus on the positive things.
What did the mushroom say when his girlfriend dumped him?
Come on, why babe? I’m a fungi
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
My girlfriend told me that a very thick letter had arrived for me.
I replied, 'of course it's thick. Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'.
I’m thinking of marrying my Quidditch playing girlfriend.
20 years ago, my girlfriend’s parking brake went out
Our relationship went downhill fast.
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
MY GIRLFRIENDS DOG DIED SO I GOT HER AN IDENTICAL ONE
SHE WAS LIVID AND SCREAMED WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH TWO DEAD DOGS !
Current status.. single
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
Came in from the cold and my girlfriend said “Your eyelashes are icicles!”
I said “and my balls are testicles”
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What do you call a sleeping girlfriend?
Anything you want, she can't hear you!
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
She’ll come crawling back soon enough
why did the magician's girlfriend break up with him?
Cause he never revealed any of his secrets.
Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
My girlfriend said if I don’t marry her then she’ll destroy my hearing
It’s a wife or deaf situation
Credit for idea: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/l5550w/my_girlfriend_says_if_we_dont_get_married_soon/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high...
My wife is okay with the fact that I still live with my ex-girlfriend.
She doesn't like me calling her that, however.
My Russian girlfriend broke up with me
She said "I'm Finnish with you!"
Why did the oyster's girlfriend dump him?
He was shellfish in the seabed
No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.
I met my girlfriend at the cash register.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
I was eating mixed nuts with my girlfriend
... when one accidentally fell out of my mouth and into the nut bowl. My girlfriend then asked: "So if I find a wet nut in there, I'm just supposed to act ca-shew?"
Yeah, I'm definitely putting a ring on her.
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
What did the osteologist say to his girlfriend?
My girlfriend was sad, so I asked her who my favorite singer is and then placed my head on her chest
I told her Michael Boob-lay
She wasn’t as sad anymore (or much sadder since she realized how dumb the person she’s dating is). Happy new year everybody
My girlfriend said I need to stop taking things too literally
I asked her, "Who's Literally?"
My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.
Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.
My girlfriend told me"I'm pregnant"
With years of waiting I finally said "Hay pregnant I'm dad"
"No, no you are not" she responded
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.
The bitch took all the other box sets.
My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
It's not like I did something
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
I stole my girlfriend’s wheelchair, guess who came crawling back.
I hope the people who saw this have a wonderful day!
My girlfriend recently dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back
My deaf girlfriend just told me “We need to talk.”
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