I’ve been constipated for a while now
Same shit different year I guess
Man I have made a joke on this subreddit for a while....
Since last year, in fact.
There's no justification for holding a knife while flirting
Not even if it's a boning knife.
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
While traveling internationally , I purchased a new car made in Prague for pretty cheap...
When I first started it, the Czech engine light came on!
The doctor was taking a while so he said: Sorry for the wait
I respond: no problem I’m patient
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
This was on my mind for a while after being a candidate for so many job openings.
Went to pop a couple anti-inflammatory pills while getting ready for work and wife asks which brand I wanted
I said, “I’m taking Advil before Aleeve”
A child was slightly injured while digging for gold
Not to worry, only Minor Miner Injuries
I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break
I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.
I got arrested for taking a video while cutting down trees
Now facing charges for illegal vlogging.
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire
Hooked me up for a while.
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.
Due to the state of the pandemic I decided to move to my house boat for a while
I haven't heard from my italian friend for a while now
I'm starting to think he pasta away
While I was walking the dog, our 4 yo was harassing my wife for a treat. She texted “She’s trying to get a popsicle out of me.”
I responded “But you’re not a freezer.”
I could feel the eye roll down the street.
I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes.
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...
Slap them and say "Here's your change"
What do you use to call for help while on a boat?
I may not be a dad for a while, but I’m getting some good practice in.
While passing a "Lots for Sale" sign...
My dad asks "They have lots of what for sale?" with a shit-eating grin.
I was so disappointed, I moped for a while.
What do you call pneumonia that’s been around for a while
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
A queen went travelling to a foreign land. She asked her two ladies in waiting to clean for each other while she was gone, so they wouldn't be out of practice when she got back. When she returned, the two had fallen in love and gotten married.
They were maid for each other.
Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.
People will be lined up for blocks.
I told my wife that I was going out for a while. She asked me how long I would be gone. I said,
How did the dagger feel after exercising for the first time in a long while?
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
I’ve been in quarantine for a while now
I’m almost a quarantadult.
A man caught a deadly virus while waiting for his flight at the airport
Dr Seuss was recently convicted for shoving a man on to a mountain of corn, and stomping him to death, then shooting him twice, all while wearing women’s clothes.
sadly this is the 3rd case this week of a pop pop crop-top crop top pop hop
A baker was preparing the dough for a loaf of his famous bread, while his son watched.
He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, “This bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, “Dad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, “It’s better to halve it and not knead it.”
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Had a lawn mowing run for a while but had to let it go...
...I just couldn’t cut it 🤨
Been meaning to post this for a while
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."
Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks movies has been using methamphetamine for a while apparently.
I thought he was just a quack addict.
What do you call a teenager that's been standing in the same spot for a while?
We get to foster a shelter dog for a while to fill the place of our beloved late dog.
We'll just call it a subwoofer.
I saw a sign while driving that said "Watch for Children."
Sounds like a fair trade.
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