First Cousin Puns

For both, it’s all relative.

Dad: [Continuing a story] He was my mother's brother's son... What does that make him?

My wife: That makes him your first cousin.

Dad: Yeah, but, he had a twin.

My wife: So? They were both your first cousins.

Dad: Yeah but one of them had to be born first, one of them had to be born second.

We were chatting with a couple of people in the backgarden when a random cat jumped into our garden. He seemed skiddish at first but after trying for a few minutes I got to pet it before it ran off. Walking back, my cousin exclaims: "How did you do that!?" To which I said: "Because I speak cat!". She looked confused for a second, then answered (she lives in Barcelona): "Oh, you speak catalonian too!?"

Maybe you guys won't laugh, but I was crying for 2 minutes straight.

My cousin brought his girlfriend, Victoria, to our family get-together for the first time. We're sitting around the dinner table and my dad goes, "So I gotta ask. Victoria, what's your secret?"

My girlfriend's cousin was visiting for the first time in six years and the following conversation happened:

Girlfriend: "I'm in college right now." Cousin: "Oh, what for?" Girlfriend's dad: "To learn..."

His deadpan delivery of his line like there was really no other possible answer completely sold it.

My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.

Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.

My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.

At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!

We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.

Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!

Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.

My wife is currently pregnant with our first so I've been practicing.

My cousin, his friend and I were target shooting yesterday and swapping stories.

My cousin asks his friend, "Do you remember that time we shot the fence and it came back?" (He meant a ricochet.)

I responded with, "Wow, then it must have really loved you."

Cousin: Hey, where's the nutella?

Me: Shouldn't you use the Oldtella first?

It’s all relative.