A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies may be delivered by storks.....

... but the heavier ones need a crane .

πŸ‘︎ 190
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My sister just delivered a baby...

I knew she had it in her.

πŸ‘︎ 193
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the letter be delivered?

It was written on stationary paper.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Amazon delivered my new Ninja professional blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...

It keeps giving me mixed results.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss was surprised that pc screens were delivered before headsets...

Me : "it's because light travels faster than sound"

I'm only 20 please help

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/heey_its_Ben
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How do Russians get their groceries delivered?

With Putincart

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yotaman88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to get a Pizza delivered

Then I realized Pizzas don't have livers.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I let my out of town girlfriend know her vegetable service delivered a package today and I had some bad news.

She asked what had happened to it,

I told her the box had a leek in it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CptnBo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 328
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Amazon has started a new service where you will get custom made shirts delivered within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Wolverine delivered tons of gifts on Christmas

People called him Santa Claws

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sinish_anand
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother wanted cold hard cash for Christmas. I think I delivered well
πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NJ2244
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
They delivered materials for our new roof today. I looked out the window, confused. Said to my son, β€œhuh, that’s weird. There are several pallets out there. He asked why that’s weird.

I was just expecting a shingle pallet

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.

It's about thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eth0null
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A man ordered a glass of water at a fancy restaurant. It cost him 10 dollars. When the waiter delivered it, he asked the waiter why it was so expensive.

The waiter responds β€œIt’s tap quality”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chubbypants3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The wrong poster was delivered

It's an imposter!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/only_be_santa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...

He sleighed Christmas this year.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FriendOfDrBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.

It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HoraceSchemer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I just delivered my home shoe polishing service to the most beautiful lady I have ever seen!

Right away, I took a shine to her!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I had some liver delivered

And received an empty box

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacsBinder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch...he delivered!

https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D4rkr4in
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?

Hail Caesar

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trev2-D2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I hope it’s delivered safely
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bcmx25
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today...

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
We all think that e-commerce is such a new concept, but babies have always been delivered.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!

It's best to just pick them up.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mib_sum1ls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Hot posts delivered some fire today. Literally.
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/annerssbanannerss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I’d need to call the doctor that helped delivered me just to tell him...

β€œThanks for helping me out.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pgtart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the new subscription service, that Gary Lineker has launched? 28 portions of green tea delivered monthly.

It’s called Matcha the Day

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time the mail gets delivered, I break down crying.

I really should speak to a therapist about my post-traumatic stress disorder.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FederalX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!

Home is where the heart is.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I delivered to a pet crematorium for the first time yesterday.

The place smelled like hotdogs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrOddYazz
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Apparently you can now place an order with your local bakery and have it delivered to you via drone...

Sounds like pie in the sky to me.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour

I guess you could say that there's...

white mail privilege

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PinguTheBrave
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork

Bigger babies need a crane

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Orion_Levy2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork....

But, the heavier ones need a crane.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork...

but the heavier ones need a crane.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hoodwILL
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork

but the heavier ones need a crane.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Small babies are delivered by storks but,

Large babies are delivered by cranes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
small babies may be delivered by a stork

but larger babies are delivered by a crane

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyTheShyGuy
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that small babies are delivered by storks, but....

Large babies are delivered by cranes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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