My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers

I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pawpaw69420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.

I mean, the arguments for it aren’t even well rounded.

πŸ‘︎ 342
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.

I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iron__giant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.

But all I could find were Finnish Hymms.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honeygar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand shop.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the snail buy a Tesla Model S?

To drive it around and make people say "look at that S car go!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Jeweler said I could buy two crucifixes for the price of one.

I was double-crossed.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IncredDeadVipet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do the sith buy their stuff

The Darth Mall

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Balorclub35
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

β€œWell, I guess now you really are… independent"

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
When you buy a bigger bathtub....

.....you have more bath room, but less bathroom.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.

All I could find were Finnish Hymns.

(crosspost from r/jokes, sorry if you've reddit before)

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeoplesHero87
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?

The Basque Pro Shop

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mapguy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?

He couldn’t a fjord a new one.

πŸ‘︎ 413
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad went to the store to buy milk, i said β€œsure, old man” and he said β€œim not good at comebacks”

I never saw him again

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking News. Total caos and panic as Germans are flooding supermarkets to buy sausages and cheese

That’s a wurst kase scenario

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabio2598
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work

Should have seen her face when I drove pasta

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigg_UN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper

And now I'm paying for it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lod254
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Egyptian bus drivers buy when they crash?

ANUBUS

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/obenssonosias
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do vampires buy their art supplies?

Pencilvania

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/batfloke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.

Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deathorcharcoal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to buy a modest farm house.

3 bed, 2 bath. Nothing over the top.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Huge_bobs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?

So that he could design his own website.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I went shopping at Coles to buy Mayonnaise, but they said it was illegal to buy without cabbage and carrots.

It’s Coleslaw

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Where is the cheapest place to buy ham?

Hamazon

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I picked 7 up

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adam14brfc
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't buy foie gras when you go shopping!

It's always best de-livered.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.

It will be my Civic duty.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why would I buy flowers when I don't like them!
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says β€œyou must be single” and I respond with β€œhow did you know?”

She responded, β€œ because you are ugly!”

πŸ‘︎ 207
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The best way to buy a mirror...

Self checkout.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arc-ion
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to convince one of my co workers to buy the first round of drinks after our shift...

He said no, but it was worth a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingmanEXE
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are feeling lonely during the Covid lockdown, why not buy some shares?

It’s always nice to have a bit of company.

πŸ‘︎ 168
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said I never buy her flowers...

..., to be honest I never knew she is selling them.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PatriotASR
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"

He's a small arms dealer

πŸ‘︎ 405
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the hardest foot to buy a shoe for?

A square foot

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNefelivata
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What tea do rich people buy?

Property

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chichard1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
"How comes you never buy her flowers?"

"I never knew she sold them!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.