My wifeβs mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didnβt even know she sold flowers
π︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 25 2020
I donβt get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it arenβt even well rounded.
π︎ 342
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
Heβs my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.
But all I could find were Finnish Hymms.
π︎ 70
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
Why did the snail buy a Tesla Model S?
To drive it around and make people say "look at that S car go!"
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 17 2020
Jeweler said I could buy two crucifixes for the price of one.
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Where do the sith buy their stuff
π︎ 19
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︎ Nov 03 2020
The day my daughter turns 18, Iβm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
βWell, I guess now you really areβ¦ independent"
π︎ 58
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
.....you have more bath room, but less bathroom.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.
All I could find were Finnish Hymns.
(crosspost from r/jokes, sorry if you've reddit before)
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldnβt a fjord a new one.
π︎ 413
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
My dad went to the store to buy milk, i said βsure, old manβ and he said βim not good at comebacksβ
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
π︎ 83
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Breaking News. Total caos and panic as Germans are flooding supermarkets to buy sausages and cheese
Thatβs a wurst kase scenario
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 06 2020
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldnβt work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 17k
π
︎ May 06 2020
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper
And now I'm paying for it.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
What do Egyptian bus drivers buy when they crash?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
Where do vampires buy their art supplies?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that Iβm an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
π︎ 36
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
I want to buy a modest farm house.
3 bed, 2 bath. Nothing over the top.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?
So that he could design his own website.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
I went shopping at Coles to buy Mayonnaise, but they said it was illegal to buy without cabbage and carrots.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
Where is the cheapest place to buy ham?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
I went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized I picked 7 up
π︎ 28
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
Don't buy foie gras when you go shopping!
It's always best de-livered.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
Why would I buy flowers when I don't like them!
π︎ 30
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says βyou must be singleβ and I respond with βhow did you know?β
She responded, β because you are ugly!β
π︎ 207
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
The best way to buy a mirror...
π︎ 23
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
I tried to convince one of my co workers to buy the first round of drinks after our shift...
He said no, but it was worth a shot.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
If you are feeling lonely during the Covid lockdown, why not buy some shares?
Itβs always nice to have a bit of company.
π︎ 168
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
My wife said I never buy her flowers...
..., to be honest I never knew she is selling them.
π︎ 34
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︎ Oct 09 2020
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"
π︎ 405
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
What's the hardest foot to buy a shoe for?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
What tea do rich people buy?
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Apr 05 2020
"How comes you never buy her flowers?"
"I never knew she sold them!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
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