My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t even well rounded.
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.
But all I could find were Finnish Hymms.
A son went to the stockyards to buy a cow for his father. After a furious bidding round, he finally bought one....
However, after handing over his cash, he was only left with 10 cents. He didn't have enough money to catch a bus home. So he went to the telegram office. He asked the lady how much it was to send a telegram home. 10 cents a word she said.
Well, what one word could he send home to his father to explain the situation?
"Comfortable"
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
Why did the snail buy a Tesla Model S?
To drive it around and make people say "look at that S car go!"
Jeweler said I could buy two crucifixes for the price of one.
Where do the sith buy their stuff
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
.....you have more bath room, but less bathroom.
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.
All I could find were Finnish Hymns.
(crosspost from r/jokes, sorry if you've reddit before)
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn’t a fjord a new one.
My dad went to the store to buy milk, i said “sure, old man” and he said “im not good at comebacks”
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Breaking News. Total caos and panic as Germans are flooding supermarkets to buy sausages and cheese
That’s a wurst kase scenario
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper
And now I'm paying for it.
What do Egyptian bus drivers buy when they crash?
Where do vampires buy their art supplies?
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?
So that he could design his own website.
I went shopping at Coles to buy Mayonnaise, but they said it was illegal to buy without cabbage and carrots.
Where is the cheapest place to buy ham?
I went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized I picked 7 up
Don't buy foie gras when you go shopping!
It's always best de-livered.
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
Why would I buy flowers when I don't like them!
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says “you must be single” and I respond with “how did you know?”
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
The best way to buy a mirror...
I tried to convince one of my co workers to buy the first round of drinks after our shift...
He said no, but it was worth a shot.
If you are feeling lonely during the Covid lockdown, why not buy some shares?
It’s always nice to have a bit of company.
My wife said I never buy her flowers...
..., to be honest I never knew she is selling them.
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"
What's the hardest foot to buy a shoe for?
What tea do rich people buy?
"How comes you never buy her flowers?"
"I never knew she sold them!"
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