The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Why did the farmer buy a cow and a duck? π¨βπΎππ¦
He wanted milk and quackers!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed.( Made by my 5 year old niece)
You buy it from the cat-alogue
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
Heβs my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
I donβt get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it arenβt even well rounded.
π︎ 354
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.
It was the Final Frontier
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
π︎ 59
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
I gave some dude the money I'd saved to to buy bushes to line my property. I'd introduce you, but
my hedge fund manager hates reddit.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 17k
π
︎ May 06 2020
I saw a guy walk into a store and buy 5 smoke machines, so I called the cops.
He must be in some extreme mist group.
π︎ 129
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
Why did the distance runner buy a new pair of shoes?
It would be helpful in the long run.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldnβt a fjord a new one.
π︎ 413
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
The day my daughter turns 18, Iβm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
βWell, I guess now you really areβ¦ independent"
π︎ 58
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Where do the sith buy their stuff
π︎ 22
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
Why did the sailor not buy the dvd?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Why did the snail buy a Tesla Model S?
To drive it around and make people say "look at that S car go!"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
I went to the store to buy chicken broth...
but they said they were out of stock.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Jeweler said I could buy two crucifixes for the price of one.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
For my next car, Iβm going to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
π︎ 83
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says βyou must be singleβ and I respond with βhow did you know?β
She responded, β because you are ugly!β
π︎ 209
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
My dad went to the store to buy milk, i said βsure, old manβ and he said βim not good at comebacksβ
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldnβt work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that Iβm an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
π︎ 40
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
If you are feeling lonely during the Covid lockdown, why not buy some shares?
Itβs always nice to have a bit of company.
π︎ 166
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
The best way to buy a mirror...
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
I went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized I picked 7 up
π︎ 28
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
Where is the cheapest place to buy ham?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
I was only going to buy one budgie, but in the end I got two.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I tried to convince one of my co workers to buy the first round of drinks after our shift...
He said no, but it was worth a shot.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
My wife said sheβll buy her next phone by how bright the display is....
But I think thatβs just nit-picking
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
What's the hardest foot to buy a shoe for?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
I got banned from the buy sell trade group for this but it was worth it.
imgur.com/jrZ6LX8
π︎ 406
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
I was going to buy my kid this winter coat we saw at the mall, but I couldn't afford it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
Just saw a video of a guy sending his daughter into the store to buy winter air for their car tires.
Any other good jokes like that to play on my family?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
Why did the air conditioner didn't buy tickets to the Metallica concert?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
I wanted to buy the perfect Vincent Van Gogh costume for a Halloween party, but I couldn't find one.
They were all ear-regular.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
The password is βyou need to buy a drink firstβ for people who donβt get it
π︎ 86
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Sep 09 2019
βDad, we hate when you do the grocery shopping because you always buy the cheapest lunch meat you can find.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
There once was a man who would buy tons of buckets of roofing sealant, change the label then resell them.
Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?
"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
Why did the viking buy an old boat ?
He couldn't a fjord a new one
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
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