No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
Want people to show up? Bring food.
Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy
I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year
What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?
Nitrogen, sulfur, Fluorine, and tungsten, cause they are NSFW.
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market
I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.
My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.
Thought I only had to take a piss, so I didn’t bring my phone.
I didn’t sign up for this shit.
Don't bring cheese to a sword fight.
But if you do, make sure it's extra sharp.
In an attempt to bring great pleasure to myself, I'll post controversial topics in white supremacist groups in the attempt to get funny reactions out of them.
Why should you bring a pencil sharpener to every class?
So you always get the point!
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
I trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.
I should bring it to a Finnish soon.
I don't think she brings a lot to the table.
If I could just bring one thing with me to a remote deserted Island..
..then I probably wouldn't bother going.
Today's the day I bring my Son to weekly speech therapy..
.. easier done than said.
I went to circus school but forgot to bring supplies.
I left my three-ring binder at home.
I had to reschedule a work meeting today to bring my son to the orthodontist. My coworker said she was thinking the same thing because she has to visit the dentist.
I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.
What did the cop say to his urologist when asked “what brings you in today?”
I had to bring a smashed boomerang back to Walmart yesterday.
Fantastic returns policy.
If i’m scared to go on a flight, i always bring a bomb.
Because what’s the chance of being 2 bombs on 1 flight?
What did the KKK member bring to the pot luck?
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
I wasn’t allowed to bring my board game onto the aeroplane as a carry on luggage.
They said that The Risk was too big.
My grandfather claims that he had to walk 10 miles to bring water back to his village.
I think that’s a bit far fetched.
My wife asked why I didn't bring a facemask to the grocery store.
I told her I didn't think Covid.
As we turned down the street I told my kids to bring batteries.
I then pointed to the “no outlet” sign.
A suspicious looking spacecraft landed on Earth to bring back to life ray-finned fish. But one spacecraft wasn't sufficient, so more arrived.
I think it was extra to restore eels
Why did the groomsman bring chicken to the wedding?
Because he was the breast man
I’m ready to bring my injectable coronavirus cleansers and gamma-ray beds to market
This is going to make a killing
At the therapist’s office, I asked my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?”
I couldn’t bring myself to cross the street
It never did anything to me
When I was on Naked and Afraid, I went out gathering food. I was able to find 2 small slugs to bring back to camp...
It was slimy pickings for dinner that evening.
To all the women who have given birth to bring life into the world:
Thank you for your cervix.
A globe-trotting vulture tried to bring his breakfast and lunch onto the plane
"I'm sorry, sir, you're only authorized ONE carrion."
There's a type of mushroom I bring everywhere, to dinner parties, bball games, work, they easily fit in my pocket
They're called portablebellos.
Had this thought today and had to bring it to life
I’ve trained my dog to bring me red wine.
I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.
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