Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head.
It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.
I said because she is a pessimist.
I once told a girl that her body was shaped like a ketchup bottle.
She took it as a condiment.
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
I finally found a genie in a bottle! So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish...
He replied, "oui shall sí."
On average how much should you spend on a bottle of wine ?
Oooooh!! About 10 minutes.
Those small packets of ketchup are here because the big bottles didn't know what a condiment.
My doctor told me to drink two bottles of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath
so someone threw a bottle of mayo at me, ...
My brother and I both picked up bottles of mouthwash on the same grocery trip...
I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.
If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....
A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine...
I said, "Oooh!! About 15 minutes. "
Why do they condition hospital I.V. bottles?
Because everyone loves smooth saline!
I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wife’s water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...
This is the straw that broke the Camelback
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink...
I am now in hospital, waiting to be seen.
I feel bad for fizzy drink bottles
Their life is soda pressing.
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...
I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.
How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?
I had my pastor bless a bottle of mercury for me.
I love my Christian Heavy Metal.
I accidentally drank a whole bottle of invisible ink last night
If only you could see me now
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
Why do the British leave out the ‘t’ in ‘bottle’?
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle
I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
whispers I think it's becoming scentient
Betcha $5 I can move that bottle with my mind...
"No way, dad!"
knocks bottle over with hands My mind controls my hands. Now where's my $5?!
I once dated a bottle of lemonade
She really Schwepped me off my feet.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Tennis player Sampras needed rice wine and sent me to buy a bottle without giving me cash...
For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
What do you get if you fill a shampoo bottle with chocolate sauce?
*holds water bottle* You see this? *drops water bottle*
I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.
He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.
The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? £50, that is all."
The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills
Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
I was hit by a bottle of Omega-3 capsules
Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
Why do they condition all of the I.V. bottles at the hospital?
Everyone loves smooth saline!
I went to the bottle shop the other day on my bicycle...
bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off my bike, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the whiskey and then rode home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home!
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega-3 and it hit my forehead
I have super fish oil injuries.
Someone threw a bottle of mayo at me!
I was like what the Helman!!!
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