I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night...

The bill was huge.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.

He said no, this is light.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Margaret said she once fell into a large vat of detergent at the factory she worked...

She was Marge in All.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was eating some cheese and salami on crackers. She accidentally cut off a very large piece of the Salami. I told her it was a muenster. She just stared at me flatly so I apologized.

I told her I was sorry for such a cheesy joke.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyranous13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Cop: I think the suspects are at large.

Starbucks Barista: Huh?

Cop: The suspects are at Venti.

Barista: Oh my God!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Small Medium at Large youtube.com/watch?v=HuHyQ…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/polydicks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
The worlds largest bounce house is now touring the U.S.A. At 10,000 square feet, the house is large enough to live in.

The rent is pretty expensive but that's mostly due to inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masterof80smetal
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I work in the appliance department at a large retailer and we were working on a truck delivery.

On one of our pallettes was a 12" sub that was meant for the car electronics department.

I look to my co-workers and say "Maybe we should refrigerate it.".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a large brown mole on my forearm - do I need to get it looked at?

http://imgur.com/gallery/vNoFX

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socaddict
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2016
🚨︎ report
My pen pal in Jordan has a job at a horror house. He dresses up as a large beetle and chases people.

He’s a scarab.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToroZuzuX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad got a job as a loan officer at a large bank

He's a pretty big loner now

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Protoss_Pylon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2016
🚨︎ report
A midget who was a fortune teller robbed a bank

The call went out that a small medium was at large

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EndymionMM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a little person psychic on the run from the cops?

A small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spaceman-Mars
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Three sheep

A chef entered his kitchen one day struggling with holding onto a large pumpkin. He noticed three male sheep standing next to his oven. One of them had a collar on him with the letter β€œA” written on it. The second had a collar with β€œB” and the third had β€œC.” The chef didn’t know what to do with the sheep, and they were standing in front of the only place he could put the pumpkin down. He put the pumpkin on the first sheep’s head and nothing happened. He then put it on the second sheep’s head and again, nothing happened. He then put it on the third sheep’s head, and immediately the sheep started cooking a gourmet meal and swearing at anyone who passed by him.

That’s what happens when you put a gourd on ram C in the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A man and a women order a McDonalds

The man orders a Big Mac and a large fries. His wife orders a single cheeseburger. When the woman finishes her burger she glances at her husband. He has finished his burger and is moving onto the fries.

Still hungry, she looks at the fries and asks, 'Do you mind if I have a couple?'

He sighs and says, 'I suppose so,'

So she reaches over and takes a handful. The husband turns to her and asks, 'Is that a German couple?'

Confused, she responds, 'What is a German couple?'

He says, 'nein' as he slides his food out of her reach.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joe4nna
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 217
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A psychic dwarf broke out of prison the other day, what did the headlines say?

There’s small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/50pciggy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A dwarf psychic robbed a bank today.

The news reported that there's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that broke out of jail?

Police are saying there is a small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rosiekaykay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions β€œso what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

β€œActually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SidB_22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A short psychic has been on a killing spree

The headlines read "A small medium is at large"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dannydog73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you see the headline about the psychic midget who escaped from prison???

Small Medium at Large.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cordur-Oy-Jones
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A midget psychic broke out of jail.

It’s a small medium at large situation.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did you call a midget psychic on the run from the law?

A small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpep0469
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a midget psychic on the loose?

A small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodyMorgan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That-Big-Man-J
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A dwarf clairvoyant just escaped prison

Police say there is a small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashh640
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a three foot psychic that escaped prison ?

A small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a psychic dwarf who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Dets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fortune telling dwarf who escapes from prison?

A small medium at large!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.

He was a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mintyporkchop
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Psychic Dwarf that recently escapes from a federal prison?

A small medium at large!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you all hear about the midget, psychic that robbed a bank?

He's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dwarf clairvoiyant who just escaped jail?

A small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Midget psychic was in trouble with the law

He was small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/379447984
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a midget psychic that's escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rathabro
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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