As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head

It's awful to see someone you love mugged.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
In an unexpected turn of events my apathetic Muslim friend just opened an eye hospital

He calls it "Asif Eye Care".

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shoor_veer
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet."

Kids meals only $150.

πŸ‘︎ 486
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
They opened a haunted house at my local theme park...

I heard business is boo-ming

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I knocked on the fridge door before I opened it .

I could hear the salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redsteelgonnawin
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear Dave Grohl opened a to-go Greek restaurant?

It’s called There Goes My Gyro

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Imnotarobot12764
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A lobster and a shrimp opened a highly expensive pufferfish shop.

I guess selfish shellfish sell swell fish.

πŸ‘︎ 318
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
You hear about the retiree who opened a bar for lonely roofers?

It was a shingles bar...

πŸ₯Έ

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncleherpie
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A new pub opened up that allows minors over the age of twelve.

It's a pro-teen bar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a thesaurus but when I opened it all the pages were blank

I had no words to describe how angry I was

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simszter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A new Egyptian undertakers have opened up in town. Their motto....

"Satisfaction Guaranteed....Or Your Mummy Back."

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Curt Cobain say when he opened a 13 year old bottle of vodka?

Smells like teen spirit

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alain389
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A new restaurant opened in my town called The Moon

The food is terrific but there's no atmosphere.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quantity_Weary
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard they opened a new restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest

Careful though, the steaks are high

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mohammad5271
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the frog say when he opened an app on his phone in the library?

"Reddit."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Subway just opened a golf course

I hear it’s subpar..

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jmfinfrock
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I opened my wallet and got confused when I only saw paper bills..

It doesn't make any cents.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/borsken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend opened a strip club called the G.Spot...

It closed after a week as most men couldn't find it.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 237
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I just opened a package from my dad which contained canned ham.

He told me it was his first attempt at spam mail.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFutonEng
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
When the elevator doors opened for me to enter, everyone was asleep inside...

Must be that Ambien music that they play

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Captain Kirks wife has just opened a new lingerie shop.

Its called Shatner Knickers.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out.

Must be from my Uncle Ben.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pengu_62
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A new bakery opened up downtown

Great service but the food was crummy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Haunting_Crow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
The new Lego store recently opened up

People lined up for blocks

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaulbylausis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Opened the electric bill and the Wife can't understand why i'm on the floor laughing.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JJJoyce
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I opened an illegal distillery in North Korea

It was a whisky business

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomecorearts
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I have opened my very own pizza restaurant.

I will be rolling in dough in no time.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-NightAnimal-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?

"Don't look! I'm dressing!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
New microbrewery opened up next door to me, but I'm getting an itchy feeling about it

It's run by bearded artisants.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lecraic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I opened my radiator to find a lone insect, wearing sunglasses and a leather jecket. It said. "ayyyy!"

It was a cool ant.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...

I said: β€œIf you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yurgenbeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..

So I decided to call a toe-truck.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaPlymouth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.

I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A sinkhole just opened up in our high Street.

The police are looking into it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend opened a tea store. He told me that every time he stocks the bottled tea products, they sell out within hours...

Business has been Brisk, baby!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I just opened up a Native American themed restaurant...

Does anyone in here know any good Sioux-chefs that need a job?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qwopcircles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend opened a seafood restaurant...

He named it β€œCCCCCCC”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I opened a restaurant for dwarves and little people.

It wasn’t such a tall order

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the boxer that opened a salon?

He called it Bob and Weave.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MmmVomit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
This restaurant I went to opened to 100% capacity the other day.

People are dying to get in.

And I am getting sick of it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend opened a club called β€œThe G-Spot”

But it closed after a week, because most men couldn’t find it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaden_strommer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?

"Don't look! I'm dressing!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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