As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head
It's awful to see someone you love mugged.
In an unexpected turn of events my apathetic Muslim friend just opened an eye hospital
He calls it "Asif Eye Care".
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet."
They opened a haunted house at my local theme park...
I heard business is boo-ming
I knocked on the fridge door before I opened it .
I could hear the salad dressing.
Did you hear Dave Grohl opened a to-go Greek restaurant?
It’s called There Goes My Gyro
A lobster and a shrimp opened a highly expensive pufferfish shop.
I guess selfish shellfish sell swell fish.
You hear about the retiree who opened a bar for lonely roofers?
It was a shingles bar...
🥸
A new pub opened up that allows minors over the age of twelve.
I bought a thesaurus but when I opened it all the pages were blank
I had no words to describe how angry I was
A new Egyptian undertakers have opened up in town. Their motto....
"Satisfaction Guaranteed....Or Your Mummy Back."
What did Curt Cobain say when he opened a 13 year old bottle of vodka?
A new restaurant opened in my town called The Moon
The food is terrific but there's no atmosphere.
I heard they opened a new restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest
Careful though, the steaks are high
What did the frog say when he opened an app on his phone in the library?
Subway just opened a golf course
I opened my wallet and got confused when I only saw paper bills..
It doesn't make any cents.
A friend opened a strip club called the G.Spot...
It closed after a week as most men couldn't find it.
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I just opened a package from my dad which contained canned ham.
He told me it was his first attempt at spam mail.
When the elevator doors opened for me to enter, everyone was asleep inside...
Must be that Ambien music that they play
Captain Kirks wife has just opened a new lingerie shop.
Its called Shatner Knickers.
Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out.
Must be from my Uncle Ben.
A new bakery opened up downtown
Great service but the food was crummy.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
The new Lego store recently opened up
People lined up for blocks
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Opened the electric bill and the Wife can't understand why i'm on the floor laughing.
I opened an illegal distillery in North Korea
Today I have opened my very own pizza restaurant.
I will be rolling in dough in no time.
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
New microbrewery opened up next door to me, but I'm getting an itchy feeling about it
It's run by bearded artisants.
I opened my radiator to find a lone insect, wearing sunglasses and a leather jecket. It said. "ayyyy!"
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: “If you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
A sinkhole just opened up in our high Street.
The police are looking into it.
My friend opened a tea store. He told me that every time he stocks the bottled tea products, they sell out within hours...
Business has been Brisk, baby!
I just opened up a Native American themed restaurant...
Does anyone in here know any good Sioux-chefs that need a job?
My friend opened a seafood restaurant...
I opened a restaurant for dwarves and little people.
It wasn’t such a tall order
Did you hear about the boxer that opened a salon?
He called it Bob and Weave.
This restaurant I went to opened to 100% capacity the other day.
People are dying to get in.
And I am getting sick of it.
My friend opened a club called “The G-Spot”
But it closed after a week, because most men couldn’t find it.
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
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