Can I be candid?

Maybe if you were choppeded into smaller pieces.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Ripped a candid one today

I went to a grocery store down the street for the sole purpose of getting a big bag of Chex mix. The cashier rang me up and said,

β€œYou want a bag for that Chex mix?”

I replied, β€œthat’s okay. It’s already in a bag”

He either didn’t get it or didn’t think it was funny but I was very pleased with myself.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boy_Wonder22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/portleycrue12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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A True Dark Horse Candidate [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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The guy who mans the fishing rods on my boat tried to convince me to vote for a candidate. I fired him.

Pole workers aren't allowed to do that!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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This was on my mind for a while after being a candidate for so many job openings.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pallabpain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Why do Libras always vote for Democratic candidates?

They’re all Libra-rals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mercolorecords
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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My friend is running for treasurer and needs to make an eight second video for the video announcing the candidates, any good quick money puns for that?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onherejustforfun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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Even though Antarctica has 0 infected with Covid-19, they're believed to be among the candidates to win the race for a vaccine

They're in pole position

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πŸ‘€︎ u/__KOBAKOBAKOBA__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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If a paid political message uses a pun to assail a candidate’s character...

Is it an Ad Homonym attack?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneSidedDice
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Candidates for the president of the Evolution Society said that the anonymous votes were fudged...

But the committee assured them it was just natural selection!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Two blokes go for a job. Before they can get the job they are asked some questions.

One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions. Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers? So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen. I would go half blind. If i poke you right eye what would happen. I would go fully blind. Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in. As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind. Thanks mate and goes to see the boss. Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen. I would go half blind. Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen. I would go fully blind. The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out. He said thats obvious.

My cap would fall over my eyes!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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That's actually one way to weed out Candidates.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChiefSahib
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning.

He’s remarkable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notyou61
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
When the gubernatorial candidate was killed by a boulder, his only opponent won the election by a landslide.
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it...

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farbegn
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I found the best candidate to chop tomatoes for us.

He made the cut!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keyclimber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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Pun overload
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acezjo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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Why is a computer scientist similar to a person who enjoys the music of a former democratic presidential candidate who really liked the environment?

They both enjoy Al Gore rhythms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willthetortoise
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
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πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PVTPistol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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My Republican mom's voting for the Irish candidate...

Marc O'Rubio.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2016
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What do you call it when Trump gets the majority of delegates and still loses the nomination from a contested convention?

Unpresidented.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vetokend
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Matthew McConaughey would almost certainly win if he ran for president.

It would be hard to beat the first candidate to get an endorsement from Lincoln.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anoopmeef
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I believe the 2020 election will come down to one deciding factor:

which candidate has the best vision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thndrslapmagraw
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My boss made a good dad joke today...

So there I was working on a small project; I make signs and was working on something for a local election candidate. The client wanted small plastic fans with a pic of her on sticks for her upcoming rally. 300 of them. Our plotter wasn't able to trace them out so I'm hand cutting 300 plastic pieces. My boss walks in, and I say "Man this is gonna take all day." and he replies "Well, looks like you got your work cut out for you today." And walks off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jin_Gitaxias
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Today I got my dad and a job promotion.

>Me: Dad, I just got a new job and the only applicants were me, myself, and I.

>Dad: So you were the best candidate.

>Me: Well no, Me and Myself declined the job, so of course I took it.

I am to young to be a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krustic13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Hanging out in a public lounge in my residence hall when suddenly...

A good friend of mine walked in and told me that he had to study for an algorithms final exam in the morning.

I responded that I heard that class wasn't very difficult, isn't that just a class where former presidential candidate Al Gore shows up and lays down some beats for a few minutes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fergmasterflash
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
🚨︎ report

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