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I need help for a project! What are your best puns that have anything to do with wood?
Examples:
"Can I axe you a question?"
"I wood stay longer, but I have to leaf now"
EDIT: another one: "birch please!"
She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
Did he ride it? No. It wooden start
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Whittle by whittle
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡
but I am going to branch off to different jokes and leaf you alone.
To make matters worse, it is covered with a dark circular imperfection in the wood grain. I won't accept this - knot on my watch.
One says, “We’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
“Doesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
“What do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
“I mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
"This is a stick up!"
We are now a heavy metal church.
We will be introducing Black Sabbath to our worship set soon.
Because it’s a non-stick pan...
The lumberjack responded, “And you will dialogue.”
Bored.
He has hives.
It means my illegal logging business is a success
A dear hunter.
Bark! Bark!
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
“Not too sure. Let me check the logs.”
It was unbearable to watch
Oops, wrong place for this post
Because it wooden go.
She wanted to open a shavings account.
Forest
Hot saws.
I said, “Faux sho.”
Knotty pine
In my defence I only intended to rough him up a little bit
They're all bark and no bite.
and I like my Corona without Lyme.
I thought to myself, that'd hurt, wooden tit?
Because they always bring their trunks.
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.
For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.
But i didn't think it wood work.
They take the psycho path.
Cause of death ruled Axe-idental
After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.
.. Would they be called Kenny Log Inns?
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
Planck, but not by much.
You could carve large ones or small ones, any size you want. Wooden tit be nice?
They're sappy.
-credit to u/poopondogs
Creole-sote
It was a lumber jack
iWood
He said, “Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
Suddenly one of them spots tracks.
"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.
"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.
They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.
Oh, that hewn manatee!
A man once built a bike all of wood. Wooden frame, wooden wheels, wooden motor, even wooden gas tank.
Did he ever ride it? No, because it wooden start!
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
How is pizza going to get a job now?
I used a non-stick pan.
"This is a stick up!"
I saw it with my own eyes
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
